Friday, August 28, 2009

One week down

I made it through my first week of work. It was a big step for me. It was funny how much I forgot while I was off. I walked in the door and honestly had to think for a minute about what all I used to do to get ready for the day. Good thing it was really slow that morning...
By the time it picked up, I was pretty much back in the swing of things. It took me a little while, but by the end of the day I was back to normal I believe.
Our Dallas trip was a good one, we had a good time with friends...and Macey had a good time too. The other big thing I started Monday besides work was a DIET. It was probably a good thing that we took the Dallas trip, I was definately not looking forward to starting a diet, but the Dallas trip helped with that just a bit. I ate so much in Dallas that I didn't mind it that much! I had three meals while we were there, and they were all Mexican. It was SO good. The diet I started was Nutrisystem ... we will see how things go. Its Friday, and I think I have had a good week. I haven't even cheated!
I sure hope that I am able to do the Nutrisystem thing... its not cheap, but if it works...then its worth it. I actually am on the Flex Program, which gives me the weekends to do my own foods. It was a little cheaper that way. If Marie Osmand and Dan Marino can do it, then so can I!
Work did keep me busy this week, I guess that's a good thing. I have had a pretty good week, I have had a few moments. Today however, I lost it just a bit. I blame it on WalMart... why is it that everyone shopping in WalMart has a baby with them? I had started to become better with it, but today was just a little much. I think it was just that the babies I saw today reminded me so much of mine. I saw a little girl with red hair... she was around a year old, the same age Kinsey would have been. It really got to me.
Its just things like that ... they really get to me. It just makes me wonder what she would have been like right now. How big would she have been? I'm sure she would have been a mess...and so much fun. I think that seeing other babies sometimes just reminds me of what I am missing. That's the hardest part.
I know my children are in a place they would never want to leave... it just doesn't help me from missing them.
I'm not really sure what we have planned for the weekend, Taylor is still at work. We will watch some pre-season Football I'm sure.... Next weekend College Football will start, which anyone that knows me knows that I am REALLY into Football. College and Pro. It will give my mind something else to focus on... sounds silly, but it really will. I just wish that I was able to hold GrayMan for his first football game. I read a comment today on the Trisomy 18 board, one of the babies born around the same time as Gray is still alive. He actually turned 2 months old today. I won't try to lie and pretend that I'm not jealous... I would give anything to have Grayson here with us still. I know that its not possible. Doesn't make me not wish it were.
I better turn off the computer and start getting something ready for dinner. For Taylor at least that is... My dinner is in a box in the pantry! It really is pretty convenient. I have been cleaning up, ...and don't laugh...watching Golden Girls. I don't know why I watch that show so much. Its mindless and silly, maybe that's why I like it. I bet I have seen every episode at least twice...pitiful isn't it.
I hope all of you have a good weekend. I don't know what all our weekend has in store, but
I know that my children will be looking over us.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My last week off

Its been a busy day for me... Nothing major, just work here at the house. This is my last week off work. I will have taken off 7 weeks. It's hard to believe it has been that long since I had GrayMan. It seems like yesterday. I miss him just as much as the day he left us to go Home to Christ. We still haven't been able to put up all of GrayMan's things. I have put some of his things in their room, but there are still some things in the bedroom and living room. I just can't put them up yet. We still have the "Pack & Play" in the corner of the living room. Its just is comforting in some way.

Taylor has been working alot the past couple of weeks, overtime hours. We needed the money, and the hours were he sucked it up and did it. I hate that he has worked so much lately...but I love him for it too. He always gives me a hard time when he has worked overtime. He likes to say he is "providing" for this family... He always makes me laugh when he says that. Tonight he is beat. He goes in early tomorrow...and then off the weekend.

We are making a short trip to Dallas this weekend. He is in another Fantasy Football league (I'm not in this one) and they are having a live draft that he wants to go to. SO.... that means we leave after he gets off work tomorrow.

While he is doing the draft, I plan on having a day out with my friends Kenny and Sallie Ann. I'm sure that there will be some Mexican food in that equation somewhere. I'm looking forward to hanging out with them again. They always are able to put me in a better mood.

After that, I'm sure that there will be dinner at Cuba Libre Saturday night... that place is soooo good. This weekend will also be the end of my eating binges... I start my diet on Monday. Not looking forward to it.

We will have to come back early on Sunday, so it will be a really short trip... we won't get to see hardly anyone we are friends with while we are there because of me having to come back and start work on Monday.

I can't say that I am "ready" to go back to work... but I don't know if you are ever "ready". I do know that I am glad to be going back to work where I am employed now. It would be harder to go back to work knowing that I had to take care of a child in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. I gave that 12 years of my life...and I am just fine working at a no direct patient care nursing job right now. I miss the people I worked with, but I know that they are all happy that I'm doing something else thats good for me. I am also blessed enough to work with another amazing group of people. The nurses I am working with have been so great and so supportive of us.

It's quite ironic that the group I work for now are appropriately named "ANGELS".

Taylor and I have a couple that we are good friends with here in Little Rock. Ryan and Amber. They went home from the hospital today with a healthy baby boy. I am SO thankful that their new baby is normal and healthy, I prayed he would be. At the same time it is bittersweet...its so hard to deal with all of the emotions. Taylor and I are happy for them, and will hopefully be seeing them sometime soon. It will just take us some time. I know that our friends understand that this is hard on us. It just really beings up alot of emotions. It makes us miss Gray and Kinsey even more. Even talking about them going home with the baby today made me cry.
I know that Kinsey and Grayson will be watching over their new baby boy... and they want us to meet him. Like I said before, it will just take some time.

I am headed back into the laundry room to finish up things for the Dallas trip. Even a short weekend trip can be such a beating having to pack. Of course we have to pack things for Macey too. She is looking forward to seeing her "Uncle Kenny" again!

P.S. I don't know how I almost forgot to mention this....
Taylor was at work yesterday in the hospital and felt something on his arm. He looked down and kind of flinched because he didn't know what it was. Guess what it was... A LADYBUG. Yep, a ladybug inside the hospital. And it landed on him. What are the odds of that??
We know who it was saying "hello".


Friday, August 14, 2009

More Birthday Pictures

I wanted to add the rest of the pictures from Kinsey's Birthday. These are the pictures that were taken by my family in Brookhaven.

My Mom did what I wasn't able to do... take balloons and flowers to the cemetary.

Kinsey's Birthday was July 28th of course, and I was here in Little Rock. Taylor was supposed to start to work that next day, so we couldn't really drive to Mississippi.

Thank God for my Mom.

She got balloons and the flowers that we wanted (Stargazer Lillies of course), as well as making a homemade wreath for Kinsey. It had butterflies and ladybugs, as well a little doll. It also had a couple of little things for GrayMan...a few Monkeys and cars. You know they would have played with each others toys...and probably fought over them!

Thank you Mama for doing the things that I'm not able to do, and thank you for just being my Mom...and a great Mimi to my babies. I wish you had been able to spoil them more here in this life, but I know that one day when we are with them will really SPOIL them.

Thank you for being there for us whenever we need you.

I love you.
My Grandma went with my Mom to help her get everything out there for Kinsey and Gray. And of course they had to get a picture of each other for me while they were out there. I'm so glad she got to meet and hold Grayson.
Thank you Grandma.

Last but not least, the Monkey and Ladybug are still out there! To this day we have no idea who gave it to them, but we thank you...whoever you are.

Godspeed Kinsey and GrayMan.

FINALLY....Pictures and Video from Kinsey's 1st Birthday

It took forever, but I finally have the pictures and video from Kinsey's Birthday on the blog.

Let's just say that Brooks and Macey didn't really like the Balloons...

In case you didn't catch what Taylor said in the video, the tree I am in front of is a tree that we planted in memory of Kinsey last fall. Its a Sugar Maple tree that turns bright orange-red in the fall...really pretty. We thought the Sugar Maple was a great choice because of the color... Kinsey's bright red hair helped in that decision.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Keeping busy, and seeing Signs

I have been trying for days to edit a post. It has pictures of Kinsey's Birthday. This Internet connection is so annoying.
I also have a couple of pictures of some surprises that were given to us for GrayMan... whenever I can get them to load on here, I will post them. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later.

I am at home today, Taylor is back at work. I start back on August 24th. I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home. I have cleaned out 2 closets, working on the office...and then will find something else to clean. I have cooked two new dishes...(which Taylor loved) and will be trying a few more new things. I also am still working on Thank You cards. I have so many to write, I have just been doing a little at a time. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied somewhat... but I never really have Gray and Kinsey off my mind.

I have heard from so many people that compliment me on my strength and faith...
I don't really know if that's the correct way to put things. I don't feel strong right now.
I pray, and I have my Faith...but its hard to not have questions for God. I will always wonder why Gray and Kinsey...why Taylor and I? Why were we chosen to deal with all of this pain and hurt? All we wanted was to have a healthy child to bring home. To start a family.
Will we have that one day?
I see so many women at work (in the hospital) and on TV that treat their babies so badly! Drinking and doing crack or meth while they are pregnant and breastfeeding. Abusing and neglecting their babies and children. All the while, they were able to have a healthy baby to bring home...and they treat them like that! They should be so grateful for what they have! It's enough to make me insane and furious at the same time. SO... don't think I don't have my moments. It's really easy to be bitter... but it's really difficult to be positive. That's where keeping busy helps. Idle minds are the easiest to stray. I constantly pray and ask Christ to give us strength to keep going. That's really all I know to do right now.

Honestly, we haven't even begun to talk about the future. I don't think its fair to our babies to go that route right now. Taylor and I need to have some time together, and to visit family...and that's what we have planned.
One day though we will talk about our future. What will it be? and where will it lead? I don't know. We do want a family... we just aren't sure where to go from here. We have so much to give, and just would love to have babies to raise here on this earth.

Seeing Taylor with Gray was such an amazing site. The look on Taylor's face when Gray was born...and the way he looked holding him, it was just perfect. I will never forget that, I know Taylor won't either. He is a great Daddy to both of our babies. Thank you Taylor for being such a good Daddy for them...and for being here for me. He is a strong guy, and I am lucky to have him as my husband.
I will always just wish to have Grayson and Kinsey back with us... although I know that will never be. They are in a place they would never want to leave. Thank You God. I know they want us to add to the family, they will be watching over us always. I just pray that God wants that for us as well.

People talk about signs. Signs from beyond that make you think of someone who is no longer on earth. I like to think I have seen some of those lately... I know I have.
I always think of Ladybugs and Butterflies when I think of Kinsey. And it isn't just Monkeys that remind me of Gray. For some reason Blue Butterflies and Dragonflies remind me of GrayMan too.
Is it just a coincidence that we have been swarmed by dragonflies lately?? Honestly I have seen hundreds here at our house and around town this past week. They are out in swarms... it's amazing! Taylor and I love it. He was cutting the grass last weekend...(with a push mower nonetheless. Our riding mower is broken...AGAIN)... and was literally walking through a hundred dragonflies!
Another thing that amazed me last week was this: I was sitting on the front porch talking to my Mom and Aunt Judy. I had been watching this Blue Butterfly fly around on the front porch and in the flower beds. Of course it reminded me of Gray. Then in a split second it landed on my left cheek! Just for a second...almost like a kiss. I believe it was from my Little Man.
I may be crazy, but when has a butterfly ever landed on my face?


Friday, August 7, 2009

One Month Ago

One month ago we were anxious.
One month ago we were scared.
One month ago we were blessed.
One month ago we were thankful.
One month ago we were happy.
One month ago... Grayson was born.

Hard to believe that it has been one month since that day. It was such an amazing day. I do believe it was given to us all by Christ.
Grayson touched so many people and continues to do so. Kinsey has done the same.
Our children have done what we could have never done...
I believe it was their purpose, it was their reason for life...and their reason for leaving us here.

I won't even try to lie and say that I am "okay". I'm not. I'm Broken. I'm in a place that I wish on no one. But I am thankful for having known them.
I am grateful that I am able to remember Gray's sounds, and smells, and his touch. I can still feel the top of his head when I would kiss him. Sounds crazy, but I can.
I pray that I never forget that.

After losing Kinsey, we were also broken. Grayson helped us to mend. Don't get me wrong, I will never "get over" losing her...but he gave us a focus. A new life to watch over, and he helped us. I pray that we were able to help him, even just a tiny bit as much as he did for us.
As a nurse, it killed me that I wasn't able to "fix" him. That I wasn't able to do all I wanted to do. I'm sure Taylor felt the same.
We couldn't save our babies...but I believe they have saved us. I also believe that they have saved a few others...some that I don't even know.
For that, we are grateful.

I don't think I could put into words how much all the support, prayers and comments have meant to us. They have kept us going...
As I said before, Gray gave us a child to look over after losing Kinsey. But now, its just us. There is no one but each other to look after...

I'm not sure where to go from here, what road to take. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if Taylor knows either.

But we will keep breathing, and keep taking one step at a time. That's all I know to do. I have no other answers.

I watched the slide show of Grayson at 12:08pm today. It just seemed appropriate.

Godspeed Little Man.

p.s. Thank you to the staff of Paul Michael Company in Lake Village, AR. My Mom and Aunt were here visiting and helping us. They were on the way home to Mississippi and stopped at Paul Michael to shop. When they went to start the car again to go wouldn't start. The staff there helped them to go to an Auto Parts store, so they could buy a new battery. Then one of the staff members even put the battery in for them. We really appreciate their help. God has a way of looking over us in many different ways.

Plus I know that they had 2 Guardian Angels watching over them.

Just a poem that speaks to me...

“I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine." God said.
"For you to love while he lives, and mourn for when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.”

“I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane, I have selected you.
Now you will give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, to take him back again?”

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we’ve planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

--Edgar Guest