Grace... in Heaven

May 8th, 2011... a different kind of Mother's Day.

2011-05-08T11:14:00.008-05:00

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck

I sit here right now with many emotions flying through me........ Grace, sorrow, pain, gratitude, disappointment, joy, bittersweet, hurt, brokenness, humbleness, a longing for peace, and Faith .
It's Sunday morning, Mother's Day... not exactly where I want to be, but a good second choice. It's a morning for reflection and memories.
I told myself that I would be honest in my thoughts on here today, because if I really want to help someone else... someone who has lost their child and family, sugarcoating things just won't do.
I would rather be at Church this morning, but I couldn't. Because it's Mother's Day... I just didn't want to put myself in that position. If I could have sat in a room to the side, so that no one would have stared at the person who was falling apart it front of them.. maybe I would have. So I am having a "mini Church" here in my own bedroom. So far, so good.

I have had many emails lately, from people who followed or read my blog... just checking in on us. Saying they are thinking about me, and just wondering how I am. Thank you for that, and it is partly the reason I decided to post again. Another reason, is to reflect... and to maybe try and come full circle (if that's possible). It's not easy, and I have had some difficult times lately... but I have decided to go back and read my blog from the beginning. I never have gone back and read any of my previous posts, because it's like living it all over again. I do think that I have come to that time where I am ready to try.
I was honest and open with what I posted when I lost Kinsey, and also through Grayson's life and loss. I couldn't think of a better way to see who I was then, and who I am now. I remember searching through endless blogs after I lost Kinsey ... looking for anyone who had lost their baby, and lived through it. Then there was Grayson... I searched and read so many different blogs about Mothers with Trisomy 18 babies. Even with my professional background being a nurse in Pediatric Intensive Care, I wanted to just find someone who had been through what I was about to... and it helped. Not that it made it any easier, but I just felt that I wasn't crazy with some of the thoughts and emotions I was having... I wasn't alone. No matter how hard my friends and family tried to put themselves in my position, they just couldn't. I loved them all for trying, and I could not have survived and be where I am now without them. But I also just needed to be in contact with someone else that had "been there".

This is my way of "being there" for someone who may need it. I have come a long way from who and where I was. Not that I am "over" anything (I hate that term), I never will be....I know that very well now. You just learn to be a different person than you were before, call it survival if you will. I can say gladly, that I am now back working in Pediatrics... in a different way, but I'm there... and it is a good thing. I get to be a part in the healing of so many children, and see them go home and live happy lives.
Losing my children was a loss in many different aspects. I lost my children, lost my future with them, and my career. I left the PICU a few months after Kinsey, because it was just too hard. To be there around the babies all the time, and see all the things I have seen. I have fought alot of bitterness, and can't say truthfully that I still don't fight it. It's a constant struggle with all I witness in this life. Mothers who just don't care about their children, who won't take care of them... who allow them to be abused, or abuse them themselves with drugs etc... Yet, THEY can have a child and bring home a healthy baby. Yep, there it is.... bitterness. I still struggle, but I am human.

I have had many changes in my life since last years Mother's Day... not all of them good. I will not go into personal issues about Taylor and I, but for those of you who have read our blog and gotten to "know us"... I feel I should say that we are no longer together. I think I have to say that on here to keep with the honesty, however that is all I will say. We will always share creating the two most beautiful children I have ever seen.
I moved back to Mississippi, and have started a different life with an incredible job... old friends (who I had missed), and a few amazing new ones. Most everyone in my family is here as well.

Yesterday I went home to see my own Mother... and had lunch with family. Including my Grandmother, and my Aunt. Three incredibly strong women who have been Godly influences in my life. Then I went to the Church Cemetery... spent an hour alone in prayer and reflection on holy ground with my children. Took flowers and sat in the grass listening to music. It was beautiful outside, and peaceful.

Lord, they are truly Yours. I only had them but for a little while, and it was way too short. I have been told that I am strong, but I don't really feel like it. I really don't know how I am still able to wake up everyday and just live. I just do. Some days are worse than others. I still feel like I am missing something, and I am. You lose a part of yourself... and you don't get it back. I won't act on here like I have this great faith and am at peace because I know God. I would be lying... because I struggle. Alot. I am constantly searching.
I have feelings of anger, and I question why. How could I not? I try to tell myself, that there are things beyond my comprehension. There has to be a reason, right?
And if taking away the pain meant losing all the memories... I would chose to keep the pain, and the memories.

I do believe in God. And I know He has placed certain people in my life to help me through to where I am today.... and with recent clarity, that's how I see Christ's presence in my life right now. In my family that has been there every second. In my friends who have carried me when I couldn't carry myself, and in a surprise in the mailbox this morning. That is Christ in my life. These recent days I have struggled to see or hear Him... and asked for a sign. I got one, I just had to "open my eyes".

To know that is who my children are with... it is something I can not even attempt to put into words. I know they are perfect and safe, but don't think it doesn't make me miss them any less. I think about how old they would be, and what they would be doing. I think about it everyday. Kinsey would be almost 3 years old, and Grayson almost 2. Whenever I see children that age, I think about them.
I hope that I can make them proud when they look down on me. I will try not to feel sorry for myself (although sometimes I can't help it), and I will be proud that my children did more than I will ever be able to in this life. They ministered to so many. And if they make even one mother or father realize how much they have.... with healthy children, and a marriage that is still intact... Then I will thank God for that.

I do want to say Happy Mother's Day to my Mother, and to those I know who are Mothers.... I love you all.

There is no greater love than between a mother and child.....and no greater grief.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away. I was blessed to have them live in me, and for what time I did get with them, even though it just wasn't long enough. Grant me the strength to live and honor You and them, however that may be.

Godspeed.

Kinsey's 2nd Birthday

2010-07-28T21:58:00.010-05:00

Happy Birthday Kinsey Grace. 2 years, it's so hard to believe. Still seems like yesterday when I held you. We miss you every second of every day, always will.

Ladybugs and Butterflies. I got to see both today. Thank you for that Kinsey.

I love you.

This very hour

2010-07-12T20:42:00.003-05:00

One year ago, during this very hour... we let him go.
He left us for a better place, Heaven... and to be with his big sister.
It's unexplainable. The pain, the void... the way you miss him. The way we miss them both. But I know this; Heaven is a much sweeter place now (if thats possible), and I can't wait to be there.

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "amen" wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Happy 1st Birthday Gray Man.....

2010-07-07T21:36:00.004-05:00

It seems like yesterday when we were holding you. We miss you more than we could ever try to explain... Happy Birthday Little Man.

Godspeed Little Man.

We love you...

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-09T09:42:00.003-05:00

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
WE are here in Heaven.
we cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!"
-unknown

November

2009-11-15T16:50:00.004-06:00

It's been too long since my last post... I have no excuses really, just have been trying to take things a day at a time and have been pretty poor at updating.

Sometimes it takes so much out of me to post something... I need to try to do better, so I will start that now. The last post I had was about Infant & Pregnancy Remembrance Day. I have a good story about that. I worked that day, and I usually don't get home from work until around 8pm. (Yuk, I know... but at least I'm off night shift). I got home and Taylor was already there and had lit 2 candles for us.

It got to be later in the night, and I was taking Macey out to potty before going to bed...and as I walked out of the front door to take her out, I saw 2 candles. They were lit and sitting on the front porch. Very very sweet of someone to do this... although Taylor joked that our house could have burned down had we not seen them! Not really, they were in a safe spot and in glass jars.

I have asked around to a few people, and I have had no confessions. I have a pretty good feeling it was someone in our neighborhood (we have a gated neighborhood), because they would have had to come in the gate.

Thank you to whoever put the candles out front. It was such a sweet thing to do, and Taylor and I both were very touched.

It's November already, and alot has happened since Oct 15th. I had another birthday on November 5th. I will refrain on the age I turned.... its just not Southern for a lady to tell her age. My plan is just to NEVER look my age.

Also, one of my best friends in this world had a baby boy. He is healthy and normal and alive...and for that I am so thankful. Congratulations Sara & Wade. ( http://wattshometeam.blogspot.com/ )

I was very stressed about him being born, whether Sara realized it or not. I hope to be able to meet him sometime soon. We also have some really good friends here in Little Rock who were blessed enough to have a healthy baby boy back a few months ago. His name is Owen. Taylor and I have not met him yet, even though they only live about 15 minutes away. I have felt a little guilty about not seeing him yet, but I just wasn't ready. Now that he is a little older, I may be able to meet him. It just would have been too hard right at first... with him being a newborn, would have been way too close to Grayson. Our friends understand, and I am so glad that they do. I guess that's why they are "friends"...because they look after our feelings as well. It has been really hard on me watching everyone else have healthy babies and start their families... I just keep trying to believe that God has a plan for us. I don't know what it is, but I really hope it consists of healthy children to call our own. Whether that be by birth or adoption... I just don't know.

Taylor and I have been having some pretty low key days lately. We have both been working extra... him more than me. He gets more chances at it to be fair, and he has taken advantage of it. I have worked a few extra myself, and have just really been staying busy.

Football season has really helped us to keep our minds occupied. We are so into football... college and NFL, and Fantasy Football as well. I'm more the pure football fan, while Taylor is a little more into the Fantasy Football thing. We are sitting here watching the Dallas Cowboys play the Green Bay Packers as I type. The Saints won again today... thank God! They gave us a scare though. They don't need to do that again.

This coming weekend we will be going to our first football game of the year. Mississippi State plays Arkansas here in Little Rock Saturday. We will be tailgating and then going to the game... and I will be one the only State fans going. There will be another couple of State fans... but I will definitely be outnumbered. We played horrible against Alabama yesterday... so I HOPE that we come back and take Arkansas out this Saturday! I will have the cowbell ready.

I am off to clean my truck for while its still pretty outside. I want to have it ready for tailgating.

p.s. I have something new for the blog coming up soon thanks to a friend... I'll let you know when it happens.

Until next post...

Godspeed.

High School Reunions & Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2009-10-14T16:27:00.007-05:00

It's been quite some time since I last posted on here... I have let time get away. I have had a few different people mention that I have not had any recent posts... so I needed to get on here and stop procrastinating.

We have done alot, and nothing all at the same time lately. Most of our time has been spent working alot, extra shifts...especially Taylor. Sometimes he works too much.

We have been to Hattiesburg, Ms to see family, been to the Mississippi Coast...and Taylor went to New Orleans for the first game of the season of the Saints. He had a blast thanks to my cousin Chad and my Uncle Virgil... I'm still surprised they all made it home in one piece.

After that trip we were at home a few weeks until this past weekend.

We went to Brookhaven for my 20th Class Reunion... okay, I know that I just told off on how old I am... but who cares. We had a good time (at least I did), and I was told how awesome a wife I am by some of the guys I went to school with because I told Taylor to leave and go to my parents to watch the second half of the LSU vs Florida game. Too bad LSU couldn't win it.

We also got to see Grayson's memorial stone this weekend. It came in this past week and it looks great. Thanks to Brookhaven Monument for doing such a great job and for being such great people. They did everything they could to get it there for us by this weekend, and I appreciate that so much. I will post pictures soon. It is very similar to Kinsey's with a few personal changes for Gray.

Grayson also got more mail! I will definitely be putting a post on this weekend about all the mail he has received in his P.O. Box. It has been so great, thanks to all of you.

Tomorrow is a big day for us that not alot of people even know about. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th. A day to remember our children. I encourage all of you to wear something Blue or Pink tomorrow for the day. I keep a pink and blue ribbon on my work badge all the time...and it will have even more of a special meaning tomorrow.

Thank you all for your recent comments... they still mean so much to us. I know that most people have gone back to their normal lives with their families and children... but just remember that there are some of us who can't do that. This is our life now, only memories of the past.

If you can, Please light a candle tomorrow night during the 7 o'clock hour. It represents our children that are no longer with us. They will be watching from above, and they need to see as many candles lit as possible.

International Wave of Light
The International Wave of Light sees participants participating from around the world starting at 1900 hours on October 15 in all time zones.
Participants begin lighting their candles at 1900 hours and burn their candle for a period of at least one hour. The Result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of the children who pass away during pregnancy and shortly after birth.
Candles can be lighted individually or in groups, in your home or in a community setting. Wherever you are, you will be joining an international wave of light in memory of all the children who have passed away during pregnancy and shortly after birth.

Godspeed.

GrayMan's P.O. Box ...and a Poem

2009-09-09T14:38:00.004-05:00

I had a question to whether or not Gray's P.O. Box was still working... The answer is Yes. I believe we will have it for 6 months. Gray's Grandpa and Uncle work at the Post Office, so they check it from time to time.
The address again is:

Grayson Thomas Thompson
P.O. Box 4025
Brookhaven , Ms 39603

I plan on putting in a post soon to show all the things Gray has received in his P.O. Box. I have meant to do this numerous times, and just haven't yet. It's pretty emotional to go through everything.. but we are so grateful for all we received for him. Thank you to all of you who sent a card or a package. Hopefully I will get it on here next week after our trip.

Also I wanted to post a Poem that was written for Grayson and Kinsey. It was written by my cousin Angie in Brookhaven. She sent it to me this morning. It made me tear up and smile at the same time. I though it was very sweet of her to write... and so touching that she still has my babies on her mind. Thank you Angie. We all love you.

IN THE LAP OF JESUS

Kinsey Grace
Grayson Thomas

Forever in contentment in His arms abide
Little smiles and hugs, to Him belong survive

Their hearts with us we carry until the day of peace
When we together reign with God and them to be

Peace be still my little ones not long will we be
With you in His presence, again will we see

The love for you we’ll carry deep down in our being
To walk with you in silence, our souls embrace such feeling

Till then to you my Kinsey, with pick cheeks so whimsy
Hold God’s hand and follow His plan till I will see you plenty

To you my Gray Man, He too has a plan, my sweet Angel in the sky
From monkeys, dragonflies and ladybugs to all the butterflies

We Love You and we cherish you, in Him our faith abides

Kinsey Grace Thompson
Grayson Thomas Thompson

“To you we say GODSPEED”

We’ll live on earth and follow GOD’s plan to be with you indeed.

Life, Football and Getting Away

2009-09-08T13:05:00.011-05:00

I I have been back at work for 3 weeks now, things have been going okay. It has been pretty busy at times, but it keeps my mind from wandering.

We haven't really done alot lately either, just work and hang out at home on the weekends. We have had Taylor's Uncle Greg visit a few times. He works all over the place and travel I-30 on the way from Texas to Mississippi and stops to stay the night sometimes. It has been good for Taylor to have him around, and he always seems to make me laugh. He is the same Uncle who gave me the James Avery charms that I wear all the time. The ones with Kinsey and Grayson's names engraved on the back of them. They wear the same charms as well, which is such a good thought for me.

I got to show off my new coffee maker to him. Taylor bought me a Keurig Coffee maker as a surprise, and for anyone who isn't sure what this is... look it up. It is one of the best gifts he has given me ( aside from Gray and Kinsey that is). It makes a cup in about 30 seconds, and is so convenient. Greg was so taken with it, I believe he is about to buy one as well.

Thursday we will be headed to Hattiesburg, MS to visit with family. My Aunt Judy (my Daddy's sister) lives there with all of her family, and we have been looking forward to this trip. A trip to Conastoga Steak House will be involved (and NO that's not on the Nutrisystem Plan...I'll have to splurge just a little), as well as Golf & Football.

Taylor will be playing golf with my Uncle and cousin... they are all crazy competitive, so if they all make it home without getting into a fist fight they will be doing good! They will have a good time I'm sure. I'm sure we will all get to hang out and watch football together, and Taylor gets to go to the Saints opening day game with my cousin Chad. For all of you who know me personally...you know how big a deal this is for me to pass up seeing the Saints play so that Taylor can go. That's true love. He had better appreciate it! Chad only has one extra ticket. He has season tickets in the End Zone...right down on the field. I'm jealous.

We will get to stay there with them until Monday, and then head back to Arkansas. My parents will be there for a day or two as well, so it will be good to see everybody.

Not much else happening in our lives right now. We have just been working, trying to save money again... and I have still been on the "diet". It's hard to have willpower when you have eaten anything you wanted for 2 years! I think I have lost about 7 lbs so far, and I am sticking with it. The Nutrisystem thing has gone well so far. A few meals have been good, a few have been bad..but I'm managing. At least I have weeded out the bad meals now, and will only have to order the ones I know I like. I just need to start exercising now. At least the weather is at the point now where it is starting to be nice.

Good Southern Football Weather.

And speaking of Football, thank God its finally back. It's my favorite time of year.

We had our Family Fantasy Football League Draft on Labor Day, it should be an interesting year. This is the most teams we have ever had, 14. I even got a new friend to join this year. Nicole, she is Elias' Mom...and she is from CT. Elias had Trisomy 18 as well, and was born just a few weeks before Grayson. We like to think that they are friends up there. It has been good to talk to someone else who is going through something similar, but it sure is a bad way to meet.

Gray and Elias will be keeping up with our teams I'm sure.

Things have been hard on me lately, so football is at least it is a good outlet for me. I have had a hard time lately, the realization of it all. That things are back to just the two of us again, without our little man or Kinsey. It's so surreal. I can't explain it to anyone that hasn't been through this... it's a feeling I can't even explain. Maybe empty is a good word for it, but that wouldn't even begin to explain. I just keep getting up in the morning, and keep getting dressed, and keep breathing... I really don't know any other way to deal with things. Losing two babies had changed me for certain, I'm not the same person anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong... I'm not totally different, but there is definitely a difference between the Kristi of now and the one from pre July 2008. So for now, I will just keep going and keep praying...

Saying all this actually just reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies. Do you remember which movie this was from?

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

I think I will always think about how things used to be, I just hope that one day the thoughts get less painful.

One last thing before I end this post...

The most interesting thing that happened to us over the weekend had to do with this picture.

Taylor found this in our Laundry basket in our master bathroom this weekend. I don't see how it didn't bite him! Yes, I said in our laundry basket which is in our bathroom...which is connected to our bedroom! I have no idea how it got there. I just know that it was MEAN. I also know now that it was a Rat Snake, which is not poisonous... but we didn't know that at the time.

We managed to trap it with a garden hoe and a shovel and drop it in this bucket. It was quite an experience.

I'm still a little freaked out! I went through the whole bathroom and bedroom with a flashlight and a hoe! I REALLY hope that's the last snake I see INSIDE my house. Outside, I can deal with it.. but not inside.

I'm sure our babies got a kick out of that one, watching us catch a snake in the bathroom...

Godspeed.

One week down

2009-08-28T17:27:00.004-05:00

I made it through my first week of work. It was a big step for me. It was funny how much I forgot while I was off. I walked in the door and honestly had to think for a minute about what all I used to do to get ready for the day. Good thing it was really slow that morning...

By the time it picked up, I was pretty much back in the swing of things. It took me a little while, but by the end of the day I was back to normal I believe.

Our Dallas trip was a good one, we had a good time with friends...and Macey had a good time too. The other big thing I started Monday besides work was a DIET. It was probably a good thing that we took the Dallas trip, I was definately not looking forward to starting a diet, but the Dallas trip helped with that just a bit. I ate so much in Dallas that I didn't mind it that much! I had three meals while we were there, and they were all Mexican. It was SO good. The diet I started was Nutrisystem ... we will see how things go. Its Friday, and I think I have had a good week. I haven't even cheated!

I sure hope that I am able to do the Nutrisystem thing... its not cheap, but if it works...then its worth it. I actually am on the Flex Program, which gives me the weekends to do my own foods. It was a little cheaper that way. If Marie Osmand and Dan Marino can do it, then so can I!

Work did keep me busy this week, I guess that's a good thing. I have had a pretty good week, I have had a few moments. Today however, I lost it just a bit. I blame it on WalMart... why is it that everyone shopping in WalMart has a baby with them? I had started to become better with it, but today was just a little much. I think it was just that the babies I saw today reminded me so much of mine. I saw a little girl with red hair... she was around a year old, the same age Kinsey would have been. It really got to me.

Its just things like that ... they really get to me. It just makes me wonder what she would have been like right now. How big would she have been? I'm sure she would have been a mess...and so much fun. I think that seeing other babies sometimes just reminds me of what I am missing. That's the hardest part.

I know my children are in a place they would never want to leave... it just doesn't help me from missing them.

I'm not really sure what we have planned for the weekend, Taylor is still at work. We will watch some pre-season Football I'm sure.... Next weekend College Football will start, which anyone that knows me knows that I am REALLY into Football. College and Pro. It will give my mind something else to focus on... sounds silly, but it really will. I just wish that I was able to hold GrayMan for his first football game. I read a comment today on the Trisomy 18 board, one of the babies born around the same time as Gray is still alive. He actually turned 2 months old today. I won't try to lie and pretend that I'm not jealous... I would give anything to have Grayson here with us still. I know that its not possible. Doesn't make me not wish it were.

I better turn off the computer and start getting something ready for dinner. For Taylor at least that is... My dinner is in a box in the pantry! It really is pretty convenient. I have been cleaning up, ...and don't laugh...watching Golden Girls. I don't know why I watch that show so much. Its mindless and silly, maybe that's why I like it. I bet I have seen every episode at least twice...pitiful isn't it.

I hope all of you have a good weekend. I don't know what all our weekend has in store, but

I know that my children will be looking over us.

Godspeed.

My last week off

2009-08-20T19:23:00.006-05:00

Its been a busy day for me... Nothing major, just work here at the house. This is my last week off work. I will have taken off 7 weeks. It's hard to believe it has been that long since I had GrayMan. It seems like yesterday. I miss him just as much as the day he left us to go Home to Christ. We still haven't been able to put up all of GrayMan's things. I have put some of his things in their room, but there are still some things in the bedroom and living room. I just can't put them up yet. We still have the "Pack & Play" in the corner of the living room. Its just is comforting in some way.

Taylor has been working alot the past couple of weeks, overtime hours. We needed the money, and the hours were available...so he sucked it up and did it. I hate that he has worked so much lately...but I love him for it too. He always gives me a hard time when he has worked overtime. He likes to say he is "providing" for this family... He always makes me laugh when he says that. Tonight he is beat. He goes in early tomorrow...and then off the weekend.

We are making a short trip to Dallas this weekend. He is in another Fantasy Football league (I'm not in this one) and they are having a live draft that he wants to go to. SO.... that means we leave after he gets off work tomorrow.

While he is doing the draft, I plan on having a day out with my friends Kenny and Sallie Ann. I'm sure that there will be some Mexican food in that equation somewhere. I'm looking forward to hanging out with them again. They always are able to put me in a better mood.

After that, I'm sure that there will be dinner at Cuba Libre Saturday night... that place is soooo good. This weekend will also be the end of my eating binges... I start my diet on Monday. Not looking forward to it.

We will have to come back early on Sunday, so it will be a really short trip... we won't get to see hardly anyone we are friends with while we are there because of me having to come back and start work on Monday.

I can't say that I am "ready" to go back to work... but I don't know if you are ever "ready". I do know that I am glad to be going back to work where I am employed now. It would be harder to go back to work knowing that I had to take care of a child in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. I gave that 12 years of my life...and I am just fine working at a no direct patient care nursing job right now. I miss the people I worked with, but I know that they are all happy that I'm doing something else thats good for me. I am also blessed enough to work with another amazing group of people. The nurses I am working with have been so great and so supportive of us.

It's quite ironic that the group I work for now are appropriately named "ANGELS".

Taylor and I have a couple that we are good friends with here in Little Rock. Ryan and Amber. They went home from the hospital today with a healthy baby boy. I am SO thankful that their new baby is normal and healthy, I prayed he would be. At the same time it is bittersweet...its so hard to deal with all of the emotions. Taylor and I are happy for them, and will hopefully be seeing them sometime soon. It will just take us some time. I know that our friends understand that this is hard on us. It just really beings up alot of emotions. It makes us miss Gray and Kinsey even more. Even talking about them going home with the baby today made me cry.
I know that Kinsey and Grayson will be watching over their new baby boy... and they want us to meet him. Like I said before, it will just take some time.

I am headed back into the laundry room to finish up things for the Dallas trip. Even a short weekend trip can be such a beating having to pack. Of course we have to pack things for Macey too. She is looking forward to seeing her "Uncle Kenny" again!

P.S. I don't know how I almost forgot to mention this....
Taylor was at work yesterday in the hospital and felt something on his arm. He looked down and kind of flinched because he didn't know what it was. Guess what it was... A LADYBUG. Yep, a ladybug inside the hospital. And it landed on him. What are the odds of that??
We know who it was saying "hello".

Godspeed.

More Birthday Pictures

2009-08-14T23:20:00.015-05:00

I wanted to add the rest of the pictures from Kinsey's Birthday. These are the pictures that were taken by my family in Brookhaven.

My Mom did what I wasn't able to do... take balloons and flowers to the cemetary.

Kinsey's Birthday was July 28th of course, and I was here in Little Rock. Taylor was supposed to start to work that next day, so we couldn't really drive to Mississippi.

Thank God for my Mom.

She got balloons and the flowers that we wanted (Stargazer Lillies of course), as well as making a homemade wreath for Kinsey. It had butterflies and ladybugs, as well a little doll. It also had a couple of little things for GrayMan...a few Monkeys and cars. You know they would have played with each others toys...and probably fought over them!

Thank you Mama for doing the things that I'm not able to do, and thank you for just being my Mom...and a great Mimi to my babies. I wish you had been able to spoil them more here in this life, but I know that one day when we are with them again...you will really SPOIL them.

Thank you for being there for us whenever we need you.

I love you.

My Grandma went with my Mom to help her get everything out there for Kinsey and Gray. And of course they had to get a picture of each other for me while they were out there. I'm so glad she got to meet and hold Grayson.

Thank you Grandma.

Last but not least, the Monkey and Ladybug are still out there! To this day we have no idea who gave it to them, but we thank you...whoever you are.

Godspeed Kinsey and GrayMan.

FINALLY....Pictures and Video from Kinsey's 1st Birthday

2009-08-14T21:18:00.002-05:00

It took forever, but I finally have the pictures and video from Kinsey's Birthday on the blog.

Let's just say that Brooks and Macey didn't really like the Balloons...

In case you didn't catch what Taylor said in the video, the tree I am in front of is a tree that we planted in memory of Kinsey last fall. Its a Sugar Maple tree that turns bright orange-red in the fall...really pretty. We thought the Sugar Maple was a great choice because of the color... Kinsey's bright red hair helped in that decision.

Godspeed.

Keeping busy, and seeing Signs

2009-08-12T13:26:00.006-05:00

I have been trying for days to edit a post. It has pictures of Kinsey's Birthday. This Internet connection is so annoying.
I also have a couple of pictures of some surprises that were given to us for GrayMan... whenever I can get them to load on here, I will post them. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later.

I am at home today, Taylor is back at work. I start back on August 24th. I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home. I have cleaned out 2 closets, working on the office...and then will find something else to clean. I have cooked two new dishes...(which Taylor loved) and will be trying a few more new things. I also am still working on Thank You cards. I have so many to write, I have just been doing a little at a time. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied somewhat... but I never really have Gray and Kinsey off my mind.

I have heard from so many people that compliment me on my strength and faith...
I don't really know if that's the correct way to put things. I don't feel strong right now.
I pray, and I have my Faith...but its hard to not have questions for God. I will always wonder why Gray and Kinsey...why Taylor and I? Why were we chosen to deal with all of this pain and hurt? All we wanted was to have a healthy child to bring home. To start a family.
Will we have that one day?
I see so many women at work (in the hospital) and on TV that treat their babies so badly! Drinking and doing crack or meth while they are pregnant and breastfeeding. Abusing and neglecting their babies and children. All the while, they were able to have a healthy baby to bring home...and they treat them like that! They should be so grateful for what they have! It's enough to make me insane and furious at the same time. SO... don't think I don't have my moments. It's really easy to be bitter... but it's really difficult to be positive. That's where keeping busy helps. Idle minds are the easiest to stray. I constantly pray and ask Christ to give us strength to keep going. That's really all I know to do right now.

Honestly, we haven't even begun to talk about the future. I don't think its fair to our babies to go that route right now. Taylor and I need to have some time together, and to visit family...and that's what we have planned.
One day though we will talk about our future. What will it be? and where will it lead? I don't know. We do want a family... we just aren't sure where to go from here. We have so much to give, and just would love to have babies to raise here on this earth.

Seeing Taylor with Gray was such an amazing site. The look on Taylor's face when Gray was born...and the way he looked holding him, it was just perfect. I will never forget that, I know Taylor won't either. He is a great Daddy to both of our babies. Thank you Taylor for being such a good Daddy for them...and for being here for me. He is a strong guy, and I am lucky to have him as my husband.
I will always just wish to have Grayson and Kinsey back with us... although I know that will never be. They are in a place they would never want to leave. Thank You God. I know they want us to add to the family, they will be watching over us always. I just pray that God wants that for us as well.

SIGNS
People talk about signs. Signs from beyond that make you think of someone who is no longer on earth. I like to think I have seen some of those lately... I know I have.
I always think of Ladybugs and Butterflies when I think of Kinsey. And it isn't just Monkeys that remind me of Gray. For some reason Blue Butterflies and Dragonflies remind me of GrayMan too.
Is it just a coincidence that we have been swarmed by dragonflies lately?? Honestly I have seen hundreds here at our house and around town this past week. They are out in swarms... it's amazing! Taylor and I love it. He was cutting the grass last weekend...(with a push mower nonetheless. Our riding mower is broken...AGAIN)... and was literally walking through a hundred dragonflies!
Another thing that amazed me last week was this: I was sitting on the front porch talking to my Mom and Aunt Judy. I had been watching this Blue Butterfly fly around on the front porch and in the flower beds. Of course it reminded me of Gray. Then in a split second it landed on my left cheek! Just for a second...almost like a kiss. I believe it was from my Little Man.
I may be crazy, but when has a butterfly ever landed on my face?

Godspeed.

One Month Ago

2009-08-07T13:58:00.007-05:00

One month ago we were anxious.
One month ago we were scared.
One month ago we were blessed.
One month ago we were thankful.
One month ago we were happy.
One month ago... Grayson was born.

Hard to believe that it has been one month since that day. It was such an amazing day. I do believe it was given to us all by Christ.
Grayson touched so many people and continues to do so. Kinsey has done the same.
Our children have done what we could have never done...
I believe it was their purpose, it was their reason for life...and their reason for leaving us here.

I won't even try to lie and say that I am "okay". I'm not. I'm Broken. I'm in a place that I wish on no one. But I am thankful for having known them.
I am grateful that I am able to remember Gray's sounds, and smells, and his touch. I can still feel the top of his head when I would kiss him. Sounds crazy, but I can.
I pray that I never forget that.

After losing Kinsey, we were also broken. Grayson helped us to mend. Don't get me wrong, I will never "get over" losing her...but he gave us a focus. A new life to watch over, and he helped us. I pray that we were able to help him, even just a tiny bit as much as he did for us.
As a nurse, it killed me that I wasn't able to "fix" him. That I wasn't able to do all I wanted to do. I'm sure Taylor felt the same.
We couldn't save our babies...but I believe they have saved us. I also believe that they have saved a few others...some that I don't even know.
For that, we are grateful.

I don't think I could put into words how much all the support, prayers and comments have meant to us. They have kept us going...
As I said before, Gray gave us a child to look over after losing Kinsey. But now, its just us. There is no one but each other to look after...

I'm not sure where to go from here, what road to take. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if Taylor knows either.

But we will keep breathing, and keep taking one step at a time. That's all I know to do. I have no other answers.

I watched the slide show of Grayson at 12:08pm today. It just seemed appropriate.

http://www.crystalgoss.com/#/graysonthomas/

Godspeed Little Man.

p.s. Thank you to the staff of Paul Michael Company in Lake Village, AR. My Mom and Aunt were here visiting and helping us. They were on the way home to Mississippi and stopped at Paul Michael to shop. When they went to start the car again to go home...it wouldn't start. The staff there helped them to go to an Auto Parts store, so they could buy a new battery. Then one of the staff members even put the battery in for them. We really appreciate their help. God has a way of looking over us in many different ways.

Plus I know that they had 2 Guardian Angels watching over them.

Just a poem that speaks to me...

2009-08-07T10:51:00.001-05:00

“I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine." God said.
"For you to love while he lives, and mourn for when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.”

“I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane, I have selected you.
Now you will give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, to take him back again?”

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we’ve planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

--Edgar Guest

Pictures and Videos

2009-07-29T16:19:00.018-05:00

I have wanted to post a few pictures and videos, but our internet connection hasn't been cooperating... I know they will be put together all in one post, but hopefully I can keep them all in order.

so finally, here they are:

First of all, these are a few pictures from Gray's "Celebration of Life".

There were a few friends asking to see what we did at the end of his service... so here are a couple of videos.

I also thought I would show something that was done for us by our Church Family at Johnson Grove. We had the idea to make an area at the cemetary where people could sit and arrange their flowers, or just sit and think and pray. My Grandma had some benches she gave us, and my family took them out to the cemetary. The enterence gate is directley behind Kinsey's (and now Grayson too) stone... the benches were placed in the corner to the right when you walk in the gate. We wanted to put a cement slab down, and a marker to honor the memory of our children.

My parents had mentioned this to some people at church... to see how they liked the idea. We were planning on waiting until later in the year to have the slab poured under the benches.

To show how great our Church Family is...

My Grandma and Aunt had gone to the cemetary while my parents were in Arkansas with us. They called us and said that someone had poured the cement under the benches...and it looked great! They even put washed rock in the cement and white rocks all around the edges... it is truly a beautiful area now.

God has blessed us with so many good people in our lives. We can never repay all the love and support that has been shown to us all.

The area was beautiful at Grayson's "Celebration", and we owe it all to our family at Johnson Grove. Thank you all so very much.

Taylor and I took Ladybug's to the church for Gray and Kinsey before we left Mississippi. We couldn't even think of leaving without delivering Ladybugs. I believe GrayMan likes them too.

When we went to Dallas, we let a Monkey Balloon go for Gray and Kinsey. We were at Kenny's place and he got to be there with us to let them go. It was a pretty windy day in Dallas that day, and they really just took off. There is something so relaxing and beautiful watching those balloons climb out of sight....

Taylor made a video of us releasing the balloons... only problem is that he did the video sideways. There may be a way to rotate it, but if there is...I can't figure it out. I opted to put the video on here anyway. Sorry its sideways!

Happy Birthday Kinsey Grace

2009-07-28T23:00:00.004-05:00

Today has been an emotional day for me. It wasn't the way I had envisioned...we were supposed to have been watching Kinsey destroy her Birthday cake today. We had hoped to be throwing a Ladybug Birthday Party, but Taylor and I know more then anyone...things don't always happen the way you had hoped.
Just thinking how much things have changed in one year...its almost too much to take in. We have lost two children in one year's time. Unbelievable sometimes... doesn't even seem real, but we know it is.

I really didn't know how today would pan out. I do know that I would have loved to be in my hometown Brookhaven today. We couldn't though because we previously thought Taylor had to work today. To go to the church and the cemetary would have been ideal for me.

Luckily, his manager WAS able to give him the day off. I'm sure she had no idea how much she helped me today... Taylor and I were able to spend today together, and that meant so much to me. Otherwise I would have been alone all day today...thanks Ashley.

My Mom and Grandma went to the church this morning and took Kinsey's balloons and some flowers to the cemetery. Of course GrayMan got some balloons too. Thank you Mom and Grandma...and thanks Wanda for letting them use your camera. Hopefully I will have pictures soon of what they did for us all.
One thought that made me smile today was that they are together today. No matter how much I miss them and want them back here with us, I am comforted by the fact that they are together...and most of all with God.

Taylor and I stayed busy most of the day. We got so many great plants at Gray's service...and we still have many from Kinsey's service too. So...we went shopping for pots. We found some really good ones. We came home and potted the new plants, and repotted some others. I think they all turned out great. Taylor had some ideas about doing some different things to some of the plants, and I think they turned out great. Every time I see any of them, I think of my babies.

I wanted to post a few pictures of the plants, but my internet is terrible...Hughes Net. Horrible.
Maybe I can get them posted on here tomorrow.

We did have a little private Birthday for Kinsey here at home. Taylor and I got some pink Happy Birthday balloons. We attached them to one of Gray's monkey balloons...and added the note with the monkey on it. It also had a card I made for Kinsey's Birthday. Then we went in the backyard by Kinsey's tree...and let them go. It had rained all day, but stopped and began to be a pretty day. The balloons started off a little slow, but then really took off. They climbed so high that I lost sight of them.

Today was spent with Kinsey on my mind constantly, I miss her so much. While we were out I saw many reminders. Ladybugs (and butterflies) were everywhere... from the Flower pot that we found for the nursery, to the Ladybug stake that we came across for one of the plants. While in one store today I saw a baby being pushed in a grocery cart. A little red headed baby girl, I couldn't help but tear up. Reminders are everywhere everyday...especially today.

I know that Kinsey and Grayson are together today...and for that I am grateful. One day we will spend their Birthdays together...as a family.

Happy Birthday Kinsey Grace. We love you and miss you every second of every day....and we always will.

Godspeed.

Dallas, Friends, Food, Gray Man & Kinsey

2009-07-27T15:02:00.007-05:00

Taylor and I went to Dallas on Wednesday. We left that morning and made it in only 4 1/2 hours...Taylor was proud of that.

We went to just see friends and try to relax. We lived in Dallas for around 3 years, and still miss alot of things there. Especially the people and the FOOD.

We wanted to just get away, not that we even attempted to "get away" from our thoughts and memories...I never want to get away from those. But it was nice to see good friends and go to our favorite Dallas restaurants. Mainly Cuba Libre and La Hacienda Ranch.

We were able to see a few different friends. There are some that I want to thank...
Kenny, you are always great... we always feel very welcome at your Bed & Breakfast, Macey loved it there too. She said she misses running up and down the stairs. Hope you liked the cheesecake.
Julie, Brian, Lacy, Keith, Lauren etc... it was great to see all of you, and we had a good time playing shuffleboard.
Laurie, thank you for breakfast...and I had a great time just getting to hang out with you for breakfast Saturday morning. I miss seeing you.
Ryan and Emily... we had such a good time Saturday night. The surprise massages were amazing, and definitely a surprise. Playing Rook was really fun, even though the guys won the last round.
Dallas will always hold a special place in our hearts... even though we still hate the traffic.

We did some shopping, and I won't go into detail...but we bought a few gifts while we were there.
We also were able to let some balloons go for Grayson and Kinsey. We had a monkey balloon attached to some other colored balloons. We let them go at Kenny's place. They had the monkey on them from the Barrel of Monkeys...and the same card that was on the balloons we let go at Gray's service. It was a windy day...and they took off! They actually went so far up that we totally lost sight of them. Will we ever hear from any of them? Who knows, but we love letting those balloons go. I will attach some pictures and hopefully a video later.

We came back home yesterday, and its good to be back home. Like I said before, there are things here that I see and still cause me to become upset...but I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. I will always have those wonderful memories. I would give anything to have Gray and Kinsey back, but I know its not possible. I just have to take it one day at a time...and just keep breathing. With God's help, I hope to survive.
I definitely don't fear death anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to leave... but when the time comes, I will get to hold my children again. To meet God, and to see GrayMan and Kinsey.... there will be NOTHING greater than that.

Tomorrow is a big day for us. Tomorrow is Kinsey's 1st Birthday. July 28, 2009. Not the way I wanted it to be, but Taylor and I will do something special for her together. She also has Gray with her now, and I know that they will be together tomorrow and for all eternity. For that I am thankful...and blessed. Thanks be to God.

Godspeed.

Back at Home... without our Little Man (July 20th, 2009)

2009-07-21T16:13:00.007-05:00

Taylor and I made it back to Arkansas yesterday. It wasn't a bad drive, but it does get long. Our Jack Russell Macey made the trip with us. We stopped a few times to walk around and got home around 3pm.

Walking in the house was pretty emotional for me. Lots of Gray Man memories. I love the memories though... I am so thankful that I have them. But it does not take away the hurt. I miss him so much... his smell, his sounds, the feel of him laying on my chest....and of course I miss kissing him on top of the head. That was one of my favorite things to do.

It all hits you in the face when you come in the house and see his things. I didn't want anything put up before we left here though. I wanted all of his things exactly where I left them. I wanted to be the one to pick up after him, his Mom. I think the thing that affected me the most was seeing his bed, his little Snuggle Nest. Gray slept between Taylor and I, in our bed. It was a special little bed made so that we could do that. He loved it.. it had a heartbeat sound, and music..as well as a little nightlight. Seeing that still in the middle of the bed was very emotional for me. Honestly, I wanted to just leave it there. However, I knew that I couldn't leave it there forever. No matter how much I wanted to do that.

Of course when Grayson was here, I really never slept. The only time I slept was when I accidentally dozed off for a few minutes at a time. I think it was just a Higher Power helping me to stay awake...because Gray needed me there. I just wanted to do everything I could for him while he was here. I wanted to know that I didn't miss any time with him.

I just want him back so badly. I got the chance to do with him what I missed with Kinsey. In a way, it brought back all the hurt from losing her...I really got to experience what I missed with her. I got to know Grayson, to see his little personality. I remember his smell, his sounds....all things that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Taylor and I both got to know our Little GrayMan... and it was such a blessing to us.

Taylor did such a great job here on the blog while I was not able to post. I spent every second with Gray, so he took over things. It helped him more than I think he ever thought it would. He really was touched by every one's expressions of support for us.

I saw so many compliments for him in his posts... I don't know if I can be as good as he was! He did a great job keeping everyone updated, and touched so many people by his post for Gray.

We are both still overwhelmed by all of the support and love and prayers we have received from all over the world.

When I started this blog, it was basically to keep family and friends updated. We never could have dreamed how many people and lives our children have touched. They have done more in their short lives than Taylor and I have been able to do our whole time here on this earth. It gives me some sense of comfort...knowing that they have touched so many.

I can't thank you all enough...from the bottom of my heart. All of the comments we have received have helped to keep us going. They have helped our hearts. We have such a long journey to take, such a long time to start healing. We will NEVER get over this...its not something you ever "get over", and we don't want to. We just have to learn how to keep living.

I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I pray that God will show me the way.

All I know to do right now is take things an hour, a day at a time. I just want them both back so badly... it physically hurts.

I know that they don't want to come back...even though we want them to be here with us. I can only pray that God's Grace will help us to be with them again one day. It is the main thing I strive for...to someday after this life, be reunited with our children.

In the words of "Mercy Me"...I've never been more Homesick, than now.

Godspeed.

Headed home.

2009-07-19T20:35:00.002-05:00

Kristi and I are headed home tomorrow. The plan is to wake up early tomorrow so we can pick up Brooks; the weimerainer, before the vet closes. We are going to go visit the cemetary before we leave in the morning. There's still a lot of fresh flowers out there as well as some of Gray Man's stuffed monkeys. Kristi's ordered more lady bugs... we let them go this evening for Kinsey and Grayson.

I hinted in an earlier post about a suprise I had been planning for Gray's celebration. We decided to let the grandparents and uncles pick their favorite monkey; we picked our favorite as well, but we didn't tell them why they were picking one of little man's monkeys. I made cards that Wanda got laminated that had our blog address as well as a note that had his P.O. box address. Attached was a little plastic monkey from the barrel of monkeys game. The note and monkey were tied together and attached to balloons that were in turn tied to each of the 5 monkeys; each representing a day in Gray's life.

After the service, Brother Davis asked for the family members to retrieve the monkey they picked. We walked across the road to the grave site and Brother Otis talked about how monkeys became such a large part of Gray's birthdays. He then read the note attached to the monkeys. The notes ask that anyone who finds it to please return it and the plastic monkey to the P.O. box as well as posting on the blog. After the balloons were detached from each of Gray's monkeys everyone said, "Godspeed, Little Man" and the balloons were released. It was great to watch them take off and fly away.

We hope that someone finds the card and monkey. Getting one of those in Grayson's P.O. Box would be amazing. Everytime we go on vacation or go somewhere we plan on releasing more balloons with the monkey and note attached. Kinsey gets lady bugs and butterflies so we knew we wanted to do something for him as well. It will make checking his mailbox even more exciting!

Brookhaven Monument is finalizing the plan for his head stone. We spent a few hours with Kevin, Linda, and Penny a couple days ago working on the design. It will look very similar to Kinsey's stone, but will have more of a little man feel to it. Penny came up with a great idea to replace the flowers; it's going to look great. While we were working on the design I was introduced to a Brookhaven icon... Dude's. The biscuits were GREAT!! Thank you Linda for the Diet Dr Pepper and Dude's. That was kind of like drinking a Slim Fast while eating doughnuts I guess, but it sure was good.

It doesn't look like we will be home long. We plan on heading to Dallas to see some of our dearest friends. There will be a lot of laying around, more eating poorly, and some catching up with old friends. No planning anything, no worries about timelines, and no early mornings. It will probably mean a break from the blog as well. It has definitely helped us both and after reading all the comments our story has definitely touched a lot of lives. It will only be a short break though. Kristi will more than likely pick up from here and keep everyone updated. Thanks to everyone for the flowers, monkeys, cards and prayers. Godspeed!

Gray Man's program for his Celebration

2009-07-17T15:20:00.005-05:00

I wanted to post a program from Gray's "Celebration" tomorrow. There are so many people who want to be here with us, but are unable to do so. We are going to try and video some of the graveside service and hopefully post up the video. Kristi and I have something planned that really means a lot to us and will hopefully be a lasting memory to those who will be involved.

As one of the previous posts stated... I have run out of time. Gray Man received 4 packages today!! I wanted to take pictures of his "gifts", but I just don't have the time. Visitation starts soon. Thanks to all who sent packages. Gray got a picture frame from Kristi's high school friend Darlene, that says "My Little Monkey", which we have put a picture of him in and will be sitting our for the visitation. He also received a great card from the Smiths in South Carolina. There's also a little monkey with a birthday hat on from the Burkes in Connecticut. Another monkey came from Katie in Illinois... he came to us from the Encouragement Foundation in Arkansas. His name is Ned and he has quite a hairdo! Aunt Gwen sent some pretty amazing drawings... cough, cough. Just kidding Gwen, the drawings are way better than mine would have been. It seems she has a Mother's Rose bush planned for Kristi when we get home. Thanks to everyone. Wish I had time to write more.

Running out of time

2009-07-16T14:33:00.002-05:00

We are feverishly trying to get everything done that we have invisioned for Gray Man's celebration. Today involved getting all the music together, sorting through over a thousand pictures, printing and picking up pictures at Walgreens, working on the big surprise, and dressing Little Man for his last party.

Amazingly we received a song Kristi really wanted for Saturday just as we were leaving to bring all the music to the funeral home. We burned the CD really quick and headed out the door. Now we have "I Will Carry You" as the prelude for his celebration. Thank you Angie!

Something I haven't thought much about, but will be very apparent tomorrow is how poorly I've been eating. Family and friends haven been supplying all our meals. Of course there are piles of cookies and cakes sitting in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure I have Coke and tea running through my veins. So much for my one Diet Dr. Pepper a day... that flew out the window on 7-7-09. Once the dust settles I'll get back on track. Until then I may have to use the old rubber band on the pants button trick

The mystery monkey at Kinsey's grave remains a mystery. There are so many wonderful people who have touched our lives and so many that have been touched by Gray Man's story. Sometimes things are better left a mystery; one of the times you can make up your own story or imagine what far off place he came from. Whoever you are, thank you.

A surprise at Kinsey's grave...

2009-07-15T21:41:00.005-05:00

Kristi and I went to Johnson Grove to make sure the slide show would play for Grayson's service on Saturday. After making sure everything was going to work we decided to go visit Kinsey's grave. I pulled the truck up as close as I could get and left the headlights on. Kristi grabbed a flashlight and we walked up to find a huge surprise.

This monkey was huddled up next to her headstone clutching a ladybug. It's hard to see because our flashlight was pretty pitiful. We figured her mom would take credit when we made it back to the house, but she didn't know about it. For now he is a mystery monkey! Thank you whoever delivered him to keep Kinsey company until Saturday.

We also got to see the seating area that was made by some of the Johnson Grove Church members. There are two benches placed on a washed stone concrete pad. It looks really very nice. There wasn't a place to sit at the cemetery before, but now there is a great area by the entrance closest to Kinsey's site. Thanks to those who supplied the concrete and took the time to fix a seating area.

Gray Man's services are set now. Visitation will be held Friday July 17th at Riverwood Family Funeral Services in Bogue Chitto, MS from 5 p.m. until 7 p.m. His celebration of life will be held at Saturday July 18th at Johnson Grove Church of Christ in Bogue Chitto, MS at 1 p.m. There is still much planning to be done, but the times are now set. Thanks again for all the support and prayers.

The time is ticking by...

2009-07-15T12:09:00.002-05:00

Time seems to be flying by. There's so many things to be done and loose ends to tie up. One of the hardest parts of planning for Kinsey was picking out her grave marker. The same has to be done with the Gray Man. I'm sure we will pick the same type of stone and we have already picked out what will go on the back of the stone. Kinsey has ladybugs and butterflies engraved in her stone along with a cross and some flowers on the front. I imagine we will put the same cross, but we haven't decided about the flowers.

Saying I've had plenty of time to think and plan is quite an understatement. I don't do well sitting idle without a project or something to work on... so my brain has been working overtime. I've got a few things planned for Gray's funeral. Only a few people know what I have planned so I hope to keep it a surprise. Here's a hint; it involves LOTS of "barrels of monkeys", some air time, the US postal service, and a few thoughtfully selected monkeys that were Gray's. I'll leave it at that in order to keep it under wraps.

It was not an easy task to find "barrels of monkeys". Had we not needed any they would have been all over the place. We enlisted the help of a few different people in 3 different states! Apparently the only city they aren't popular in is Hazlehurst, Mississippi. Thank you Wanda for calling tirelessly until you found them.

It's 12:08. We miss you Grayson.

2009-07-14T12:07:00.004-05:00

I sure wish we were celebrating another birthday for Gray. It's tough trying to plan his services, but it has to be done. We sure want it to be more of a celebration of life than a "funeral". Crystal overnighted all of the pictures she took at the hospital. My estimate of how many pictures we have was a bit low. Crystal took almost 600 pictures! One of our projects today is to go through them and decide which ones we want for Gray man's service.

Although we knew that Grayson's chances of being with us for a while were slim, it's been very hard on both Kristi and I. Today would make 1 week old. The process for me has been blunted somewhat because of all the support and prayers. It's been extremely therapeutic to type and keep everyone updated through Kinsey's blog. I can reach hundreds of people without having to explain things over and over. We get immediate feedback from all of "your" wonderful comments. Thanks to everyone for all the support. We are surrounded by family again... I guess I should say we continue to be surrounded. We were only alone when we asked to be.

The details of Little Man's services are still being finalized. We have decided not to have a "private" service for those who have asked. Visitation will more than likely be Friday from 5pm to 7pm at Riverwood Family Funeral Service in Brookhaven Mississippi. The funeral will be on Saturday; possibly in the afternoon. If Kristi's family church; Johnson Grove Church of Christ, is available that afternoon we hope to have his service there. The cemetery is next door to the church. Grayson will be buried next to Kinsey with a spot on either side of them when our time comes.

We love you Grayson and Kinsey.

Gray Man is in Mississippi, and he has his own P.O. Box

2009-07-13T20:54:00.006-05:00

Unfortunately all of today's events seem all to familiar. Grayson made the same trip that Kinsey made last year. We made it to Riverwood Funeral Home late this evening and met with Clay McMorris. Last year he helped us out so much with Kinsey. Every time I thought of something we wanted for Kinsey's service he was two steps ahead of me. We didn't want or wait for a thing. Gray Man is in very good hands with Clay.

The trip was a long one. It took us about 6 and a half hours to get here. Bizkit hadn't had a lot of time to read comments on Kinsey's blog, so she read all of the last comments out loud. It took us a few hours just to read all the comments... at that time there were over 160 on the last update. There were a few pauses for tears here and there. So to answer a question from one of Gray Man's fans... I've read every comment. It may take Bizkit a while, but she intends to do the same.

A few people have asked if there is a place they could send a card and some even asked if there was somewhere they could send a monkey for the Gray Man. We set up a P.O. box in Brookhaven where we will be for the week. Kristi's dad and uncle both work at the post office and will be able to pick up any of Gray's mail. Although Kristi and I will only be here for the week, Grayson "Monkey Man" Thompson's P.O. box will be manned for 6 months by his Grandpa and his Uncle Mark.

Grayson Thomas Thompson
P.O. Box 4025
Brookhaven, MS 39603

Our plan is not really set from here. We plan on having services for Gray on Saturday to give our families time to get here. There's a few loose ends we have to tie up and a lot of picture printing to be done. There's a little redheaded angel we plan on visiting frequently while we are here as well.

I'm so used to posting pictures of Grayson I almost can't post without a picture. This on always makes me smile when I see it. I took this a couple days after we got home last year from Kinsey's funeral. For those who may not know, I bought Macey for Bizkit on the way home from Mississippi to help her occupy the time. Everytime people look at this picture they tell me how cute she is and want to know how I got her to wave for the camera. The truth is I was a terrible "Dad" to Macey when I took the picture. She was actually stepping through the railing and ended up a foot below in the flower bed. So there you have it, enjoy the picture and try to imagine that some folks actually thought I could get a 12 week old Jack Russell puppy to wave for pictures!

Grayson went to be with Kinsey

2009-07-12T23:58:00.002-05:00

Little Gray Man passed away tonight about 830 pm. He was so tired. We wanted so much for him to make it to see more monkeys, but that was no life to live. He was loved and gave us so much to remember. I know we have over 1000 pictures of him.

He is gone now. Hospice and the coroner have been to the house. Arkansas Central Mortuary Service just picked Little Man up. It was hard to let him go even though we both know he is really already gone. He is in a better place now.

This is all too familiar for us unfortunately. Our plan is to pick Grayson up tomorrow and drive back to Mississippi the same way we did with Kinsey. Gray will be buried right next to Kinsey at Johnson Grove Church of Christ in Bogue Chitto, MS. I always thought it would be me and Bizkit on either side of Kinsey, but it looks like we will have two children between us. We miss him so much.

God speed, Little Man
Sweet dreams, Little Man

Oh OUR love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

5 wonderful days

2009-07-12T11:26:00.008-05:00

We've made it to 5 days with Grayson. He is truly a miracle baby. Our time with him has been the best time of our lives. His cry is getting stronger, he is tolerating 20 cc of feedings now, and he is even trying to lift up his little head. I never thought any of that would happen.

Little man's 5 day party was pretty laid back. Mornings have not been his favorite. Seems the past couple days he's been really fussy between 9 and 12. It usually subsides, but this morning was a little worse. When he cries he doesn't breathe well and his color goes from pink to purple. The defects in his heart can attest for a lot of his oxygen problems, but it doesn't help Mommy and Daddy much when he's in the middle of a fussy spell.

Here's to you Grayson. You made 5 days longer than most said you would. Keep proving everyone wrong. Keep being an exception to the rule. Keep people guessing as to how you do what you do. Keep on kickin buddy. We love you!

Gray Man gets 2 monkeys today... No real explanation for that, but he deserves it. He gets the last monkey... I mean Minkey, from Jennifer and Ashley's midnight monkey run and he also gets another sock monkey from his Aunts Kim, Lisa, and Snady. That's right it's Aunt Snady, not Aunt Sandy. It's a long story and you would just have to know her... She would probably say it should be Aunt Skimmy rather than Aunt Kim as well. Either way, we love them as much as they love the little man. Happy 5 days with more to come.

Day 4 surprise party

2009-07-11T23:58:00.003-05:00

Here is the video from Grayson's 4 day party. Lots of folks have been making fun of my pitiful birthday signs, so I decided to step it up a little. Take it up a notch if you will. Know my problem is going to be topping it each day. It's gonna be tough.

Is there a Gorilla in the room?

2009-07-11T22:18:00.003-05:00

This is an oldie but a goodie. This monkey dates back to 1991. It was a special gift when Linda moved to Louisiana to keep her company. Now his job is to look after Grayson.

This monkey just showed up this evening bearing gifts. He brought us dinner. Thanks Shannon.

Gray is doing well this evening. We are headed to bed after all the big fights are over. We're sorry Alan didn't win his big fight... well let's rephrase that, it's too bad he was robbed in a split decision. That guys eye looked like Gray Mans when he was born.

Hopefully our night will be as good as the later half of the day.

Gray has Monkey Butt

2009-07-11T20:57:00.004-05:00

Seems Grayson even has monkey evening attire. I sure wish the picture of his outfit would come up... it would explain the title a little better.

I must admit this is the most I said monkey and not minkey. We've always called them minkeys for some reason. Who knows why. Since I'm giving up secrets I might as well tell y'all that I never call my wife by her real name; Kristi. I've called her Bizkit since before we were married. SSSSHHHH don't tell her I told you.

Anyway, hopefully Gray's new pictures will come up. So you can see how good he is doing this evening. We went back down to 2L on his o2 and he seems really calm. He has spent most of the day laying on mine or BIZKIT's chest. I'm not sure who likes it more, me or him. I can rub on his little chicken legs and play with his feet.

We are all gearing up to watch Grayson's cousin in one of his biggest fights yet. Grayman's cousin fights in the UFC. His name is Alan Belcher. He's had a good number of fights in the UFC so far and has done well. Gray sent him a text message earlier and gave him a little message from one fighter to another. Good luck Alan!

Our wonderful internet service...

2009-07-11T13:31:00.002-05:00

I can tell you there is no hope of getting a picture of Grayson's party much less a video on Youtube. Our wonderful satellite internet is running at a snails pace. Just know that Gray Man had a great surprise and my sign for his 4 day party was much BIGGER and better than his first 3.

Grayson hasn't left our bedroom today and probably will not. His oxygen sats have been mid to low 80's for most of the day. He's been tolerating his feedings, but for some reason he is worn slap out. Don't get me wrong though, he is still as cute as ever. We've increased his O2 to 3 liters via his nasal cannula, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. Dr Hall told us we could go up to 5 liters on him if we needed to, but it already seems like it's blowing so hard in his little nostrils. As long as he is comfortable we are ok.

It's Monkey time!

2009-07-11T11:12:00.008-05:00

Monkey Man as one of Grayson's fans calls him just turned 4 days old! We are so proud of our little monkey man. The last few hours have been really tough. We are just going to enjoy him and celebrate life right now. It's tough to do sometimes, but we know what Gray Man's fate is. He's here for a purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled he will get to play with Kinsey.

Today we had a special birthday party for Grayson. Kristi didn't even know what we were doing. She took a video that we will hopefully put on youtube soon so everyone can see Gray Man's party.

Happy 4 day Birthday Little Monkey Man.

A special thanks to Mark from Pediatric Specialists. He brought us a compressed oxygen tank with 100 1lbs of oxygen. Gray has his own oxygen bar now! The new tank is not dependent on electricity and we can fill his new portable tank straight from the big stand up. Mark told us the tank should last about a week. We can't thank him enough. Little man said we could pay him with anything but monkeys!

He's still here!

2009-07-11T08:45:00.004-05:00

Mommas eyes never left the Gray man last night. She didn't get a wink of sleep, but he sure did. He seems to do so much better at night, not sure if it's the activity of the day time or what. We've even hit another milestone. He is tolerating 15 ml of feeding! 20 ml is his goal, but we never thought it would get that far. No residuals whatsoever for the past 2 feedings. I just know that he will get so much stronger if he can take more food.

I had to call Pediatric Specialties this morning because our portable oxygen tank is almost empty. We still have the machine that makes oxygen for him, but it only goes to 2 liters a minute. When he was doing badly we had to bump him up to 3 liters on his portable tank. It really only last a couple of hours at that setting. Hopefully they can bring us a new tank today, but the office is closed. Someone is supposed to be calling me back. We won't think about needing more oxygen right now though.

Grayson says Good Morning and thanks for the prayers. Another monkey is just a few hours away.

Little Man is tired...

2009-07-10T22:25:00.002-05:00

The past few hours with Gray man has been a real roller coaster. He almost went to be with Kinsey. His breathing got pretty labored and his heart rate dropped low enough that it wouldn't register on his monitor. His mom and I held him tight, told him we loved him and that it was ok for him to go see Kinsey. All the family came in and gave him kisses goodbye. Lots of tears were shed. Everyone left the three of us in our bedroom and we just laid together.

It seems Grayson really wants to get another monkey though. After a few hours of cuddling him and praying over him he is doing a little better. His breathing is not as labored and his heart rate has been stable for an hour or so. He does have some fever; 101.2. Some of the blankets came off and Gray got to show off his pipes and his sexy legs. I told his Aunt Wanda the only difference in his chicken legs and mine is hair!

It's about bed time, but we won't be getting much sleep. Please pray for the little man. Hopefully there will be good news in the morning and another monkey picture at 1208.

The support has been amazing. Thanks to everyone.

2009-07-10T16:26:00.003-05:00

I want to take a minute to thank some folks by name and others we don't even know. I will apologize now for messing up some of the names, but you know who you are. We have been getting daily visits from our special hospice nurses since the Gray man made it home. It's fairly easy to remember their names because they are Becky and Becky. They have been great to us. Anything we have needed and some things we didn't even really know we might need, they take care of it. One mention of maybe having a sat monitor at the house and later that evening we had it. As concerned as everyone is for little man, the Becky's are also concerned about us and make sure we are OK as well. It's funny that they are fellow nurses, but in a completely different specialty. Their world is so different than the work world I've always known. They are special people and see things everyday that would emotionally cripple most.

Brad, a chaplain with hospice came out and met with us yesterday. It is such a small world... he knows some of the same folks we do. He prayed with us and had such kind words.

We also got a visit today from Dr. Wyatt and Dr Robertson from Hospice as well. They assure us that everyone is a phone call away and to let them know if there is anything we or Grayson needs. Jackie, a social worker with hospice, also came out to check on Kristi and I as well. They are such a great support system. All of them are a phone call away.

That brings me to thanking Kim, Leslie, and Adam. They came to visit today on their way home. I grew up with them and they are a huge part of my life. Kim and Adam's mom, Mona, died last year 4 weeks to the day of Kinsey's death. She never got to hold Kinsey and we sure hate that she's not here to hold Grayson. I can tell you she would be sitting on my couch holding him while telling me it only takes 13 seconds to heat up my chocolate chip pie in the microwave. She was a wonderful mother to me as well during my life and I wish she were still here with us. She is rocking Kinsey in heaven waiting on the Gray man to fill her other arm. We miss you Mona!

A huge thanks to all of Kristi's family who have spent countless hours making phone calls, cooking food, running people around here and there, and getting us everything we need. We are glad to hear that Peyton made it back safe to Panama City. She has been a rock for Kristi and we can't thank her enough. Thanks as well to my Dad and Linda for all of their support, time, and everything else they have helped us with. They have helped in ways that most will never know. Without such a great support system we would be destined for failure in a quick way. Thanks as well to all the people commenting on the blog posts. I cry everytime I read the posts to Kristi while she is feeding Grayson. I even start crying when I read "You don't know me but". There are so many people who don't even know us or our family who post. Every post means the world to us. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.

We would also like to thank Dr. Paul Wendel for everything he has done for us. He always has the right words for every situation. Grayson was his first baptism; congratulations Dr Wendel. He is a blessing to all his patients, we think the world of him. His nurse practitioner Stephanie as well, we are glad to call her our friend. We've called and texted her many times for help when we didn't know who else to call. The neonatologist Whit Hall is an amazing man. We've had to call his cell phone a couple times to ask questions about Grayson and he is so kind. He told Kristi to call him any time; day or night. Heather... you look amazing in the slideshow. I'm glad we talked you into getting in the pictures. Heather was Kristi's nurse during delivery... she kept our room free of prying eyes and even residents. She does amazing work and I'm glad Kristi can call her a friend. A big thanks to Treasure as well. She was our nurse during admission. Everyone in the Angels Call Center that work with Kristi and to those from the Heart who thought of us and brought food. And to everyone else we forgot to mention... you will not be forgotten.

We continue to hope that the Gray Man will touch as many people as possible and help in a way we don't quite know yet. He has had so many visitors from family to friends to nurses and even strangers. There is something to learn from all of them and hopefully Grayson touches them all. He's quite the superstar these days. I told Kim, Leslie and the Beckys that Grayson is possibly the most photographed child ever. We love you Grayson and can't wait to give you another monkey!

Grayson's 3rd day Birthday

2009-07-10T12:37:00.004-05:00

Grayson celebrated his 3rd day with us today at 1208. His Great Grandparents from Brookhaven Mississippi made it here to see him. Thank you Uncle Mark, Aunt Wanda, and Peyton for all the help. As smoothly as some things have gone there's been a few bumps in the road from airports all the way down to broken down vehicles! Mark and Wanda have spent more time on the road than most truck drivers here lately shuttling folks around so Kristi and I can spend more time with the Gray man.

Another special thanks goes to Ashley and Jennifer. They made a "midnight monkey run" to get Grayson's presents for the next couple parties. We were running low on monkeys. I hope we have to add on another room to house to keep all the monkeys! Enjoy the pictures.

Gray man may look a little upset in his pictures. He wanted a piece of chocolate cake, but we told him it wouldn't go down his tube. Happy 3 day BDay Little Man!

Morning update

2009-07-10T09:40:00.005-05:00

Grayson had a pretty good night. Kristen from Pediatric Specialties brought us a sat monitor to hook him to so we kept him on the monitor all night. Right when we went to bed his sats were hanging around 78-82%. After he ate his sats started easing up into the low 90's. A few times last night he alarmed with a heart rate as low as 70... we roused him a little and he came back up to the 150's. I think he was probably pooping or something. Without the sat monitor we never would have known that he was doing it.
He is still in his little bed that stays between Kristi and I at night. Since he is sleeping so well Krisit is just sitting with him for a while. Gray man's birthday party will be in a few hours at 1208; I will post up a picture shortly after he gets his new Monkey.

Hang in there Gray Man 7-9-09

2009-07-09T13:37:00.003-05:00

Grayson slept well last night and is tolerating his feedings a little better. We were up... well I say we lightly. Let me rephrase a little... Kristi was up every 3 hours last night feeding the Gray Man. I'm pretty sure I missed one feeding, but I was on diaper duty while Kristi was feeding. It was a pretty good system. Grayson does not like a wet diaper. He cries immediately after his diaper is wet.

Little man scared us about 10 O'clock today. Kristi and I were feeding him in the bedroom and he quit breathing for a couple of minutes. Both of us nurses and we freaked out. All our training went out the window. We have no plans of reviving him when that time gets here, but we weren't ready for him to go. After turning up is oxygen and putting his pacifier in his mouth he finally came around and took a few good breaths. Again it was great to hear him cry!

We made it to 1208 again and Grayson had another little BDay party. He is 2 days old now and got another monkey present.

Happy 2nd Day BDay Grayson!!

As you can tell in this picture Little Man's color is so much better. His face is not quite as swollen and a lot of his purple color is going away.

For now everyone is up to speed on the little Gray man. I'd like to thank everyone for all their support; from friends, family, nurses, doctors, and even people we have never met before. Thank you for all the comments and prayers. This is an amazing experience. Grayson is teaching me so much about life and living. His mother is an amazing person and seeing her with him makes me cry. Thank you Grayson and Kristi for being so wonderful!

Grayson Thomas Day 2

2009-07-09T13:02:00.006-05:00

Grayson didn't have a very good night. He will not take a bottle so we had to have a tube placed through his nose into his stomach for feeding. He is not tolerating his feedings at all. For a baby his size he needs about 20 cc of formula every 3 hours. Unfortunately he is only keeping a few cc's down.

It's afternoon now and Grayson is doing OK. Dr Hall, a neonatologist, suggested we increase his oxygen from 1/2 liter to 1 liter. All of his breathing is unassisted, but without oxygen his o2 sats are 80%; which is not good. His color looks much better on the extra oxygen.

We keep hearing rumors that we might be able to go home today, but there is so much to get set up. It has always been our wish to take little man home no matter how sick he was. Home is a much better place for him than the hospital. Before we can leave we have to have oxygen at home and hospice needs to be set up. Every time I say Hospice thinking about our son it makes me cry. Hospice is supposed to be for someone who has lived their life not someone who is just beginning to live.

Kristi and I decided that we would celebrate everyday of Grayson's life as a birthday. We got this idea from Eliot's parents in 99 balloons. Eliot was a little boy with Trisomy 18 who lived for 99 days. His parents are amazing and did a wonderful video and posted it on youtube; 99 balloons. So everyday at 1208 pm Grayson gets a gift for his daily BDay... just so happens he is a huge fan of monkeys.

HAPPY 1 DAY BDAY GRAYSON. The Sock Monkey is your first monkey gift.

By late afternoonLittle Man started tolerating about half of his feedings. Word here is a hospice nurse from Arkansas Hospice will be to the hospital to get us set up and the folks with the oxygen will be here by 3.

After a few hours and a long long time pacing the floors.... GRAYSON THOMAS THOMPSON is going HOME!! We had our car seat test, hospice is set up, and we have a nifty little machine that will make all of Grayson's oxygen.

We made it home a little after 6pm. No matter what happens from here out, Grayson will live his last moments surrounded by family in our home. We are so proud of you Little Man!

July 7th 2009 Grayson Thomas Thompson is born!!

2009-07-09T12:47:00.004-05:00

We are so happy right now. Grayson was born today and we heard him cry. I never thought I would love to hear a baby crying, but I sure do love to hear him. Him crying means he is still with us. Against all odds Grayson not only made it to term, he made it to delivery and is still with us. Kristi is doing well... I'm having to type for Kristi and catch up the blog since she is not quite up to typing. Grayson came out face first so he is really bruised up. His little face looks like a grape. His eyes are swollen shut and his little face is PURPLE.

A professional photographer volunteered her time to take pictures for us. Her name is Crystal Goss and she is truly an amazing person. The pictures she took are absolutely perfect. I sure wish she had been there when Kinsey was born. We would like to share a slideshow with everyone that Crystal put together. The link is: http://www.crystalgoss.com/#/graysonthomas/
There aren't words to describe how grateful we are to Crystal for what she has given our family.

Grayson did well today. We are so proud of him.

Grayson's Birthday Tomorrow...

2009-07-06T13:50:00.003-05:00

I went to see my Doctor this morning, and our report was good. I will be admitted at 2 am, and then they will start my induction a few hours later. I am 75% Effaced and 3 cm dilated.
Weird time to be admitted to the hospital... it all has to do with timing though. We want our Doctors to be able to be there, and this is the best way to make it happen.
I wish that we had more of an idea of how Grayson will be when he is born, but my Doctor as well as us...just don't know. It's all up to God and Grayson, and we pray that it does go well. We pray for an easy delivery and that Grayson will be strong.
I am very nervous, and anxious...but excited at the same time. I look forward to meeting Grayson face to face, I pray that we get to bring him home and spoil him. I pray that he will do well during delivery and that God (and Kinsey) will be with him every second to give him strength.
We will have family there at the hospital with us tomorrow morning to help welcome him into the world. I of course don't know when I will be able to be back here to post anything. All of my focus will be on Grayson after tonight. I am still amazed by all of the people praying for us right now... I ask for continued prayers tonight and tomorrow. I hope that I can be as strong for Grayson as I want to be...and that he will get to come home.
Thank you all and God Bless.

4th of July 2009

2009-07-04T08:10:00.003-05:00

Grayson and have made it to the 4th... now to just make it through the rest of the weekend. I had family start to come in yesterday for the week. My parents and brother got here yesterday. My cousin Peyton is flying in from Panama City, Fl this morning...and she actually just landed in Atlanta.
Tomorrow we are expecting to have my Uncle and two Aunts, and another cousin arrive...then on Monday Taylor's Dad and Stepmom arrive. We wil have a house full of family here and God willing Grayson will get to meet them all.

We plan on having a lazy day today eating BBQ sandwiches (with cole slaw of course) and shooting fireworks tonight.
I want to say how much I appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers coming our way. To know that we have so many people from Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and all across the country praying for us is amazing. It's like I said before, a humbling experience and a blessing to know that Grayson ( and Kinsey) have made such an impression.
I have had so many comments on how strong I am during everything we have going on... but I don't feel that way. In fact the closer we get, the more nervous I get. All the strength I have doesn't come from me, I have prayed for all of it. If it were just me...I am too broken to deal with all we have coming up. All my strength right now comes from God, and it's all directed to Grayson right now.
I know that I want him to experience nothing but peace and strength and love...and God willing I will stay strong enough through Faith to be able to show him that.
There will be time for mourning...and God willing that will be a long time from now. Now is a time for Faith, Hope and Love.
I received a few Bible verses from someone who commented on my Blog. They hit home, and will be some that I have in my mind through this weekend and beyond.

"...I am He, He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalms 34:18

Happy 4th of July everyone... and remember all of those who keep us safe and free today.
God Bless all of our troops fighting for our freedom now, the ones who fought in the past...and the ones who died to keep us safe.

Ladybugs for Kinsey and Grayson's Garden

2009-07-03T19:07:00.005-05:00

Taylor and I have a Garden this year, and its actually growing. We have tons of green tomatoes, and a LOT of peppers. We also grew a zucchini that was 14 inches long and 13 inches in diameter!
I ordered some Ladybugs a few days ago, and last night Taylor, Grayson and I put them in their house...(that Taylor built by the way)...and we scattered them across the garden.
The ladybugs of course remind us of Kinsey, and I'm sure her little brother will like them too.

It's the day before the 4th of July, and Grayson and I are still hanging in there. Only a few more days God willing. I pray that Grayson gets to come home with and see the garden for himself... and of course the Ladybugs.

The ladybugs were all over us, and all over my bracelet. We had to get a picture of it. In case you can't make it out.... it says Kinsey & Grayson.

Humbling...

2009-07-02T12:37:00.004-05:00

I don't know what to say really, except that I am humbled by all of the comments and prayers that are being sent our way.
I had no idea about Kelly, or her prayer blog... but I am glad that I am a part of it.

Grayson's latest update is that as of last week he is up to 4lbs and 11oz. He may hit 5lbs before birth! I am done with work at this point, and I have to say I am glad... Even though we won't make any money while we are off having Grayson. I'm just tired. It's not something we can help, Taylor and I both started new jobs in March... so we don't have any medical or personal leave built up this time. We are lucky enough to both be nurses though, and to have been able to save a little in advance. We know that we will be okay though, and that God will provide for what we need.
We both have been lucky enough though to have new jobs, where the people are great and understanding of what we are having to face. Not to say that the people at our old jobs aren't great to... let me make sure and say that!

We have family coming here starting tomorrow to help out, and to be here to meet Grayson. If all goes as "planned", I will be able to make it through the holiday weekend and go into the hospital Monday night to start being induced.
The closer it gets, I have so many mixed emotions. Nervous, excitement, fear...just to mention a few. I just pray for peace and courage for myself and my husband, so we can be there for Grayson like we should. We just want him to survive delivery and be as healthy he can be at birth.
Of course we don't know what will happen, and that's one of the hardest parts of all this. Will Grayson survive delivery? Will he be able to breathe on his own after he is born? Will he be able to make it through the day...the night, the next day? Will we be able to bring him home?
So many questions... so many fears.
I just don't want to have to leave the hospital without our baby again. To bring him home would be such a blessing... that is one of my biggest prayers.
I know that God will be with us, and Kinsey will be watching over us as well.
Lord just please be with us and give us the strength and courage and peace to be able to get through this...and be the strongest parents for Grayson that we can be.

Grayson's Update for 6/8/09

2009-06-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

We had our latest visit to see our Doctor yesterday.
Grayson still looks okay on the ultrasound. He shows no signs of heart failure, and moves around a good bit. He is up to 4 lbs and 4 oz.

The situation we are in now is with me, not him. I have had a few small contractions, nothing regular though. But also my cervix has started thinning as shown by the ultrasound. That puts me not being able to do much anymore. Hopefully I have not dilated.

I will still be going to work, but only because I am not on my feet all the time anymore. My new job is at a desk, so its alot better on me. Plus it is at the hospital where we will deliver, so there is no better place to be.

It does make us very nervous and scared that I may not make it to my induction time at 38 weeks. I just want Grayson to have the best chance he can have....and that means trying to hold him in a while longer.
I want to have him keep growing and get a little bigger and stronger.

So this is where we are, basically not knowing when Grayson will be ready to make his entry. Its all up to him, God and my cervix.
Please pray that I can hold im in for a few more weeks, and that he will get stronger.
Please continue to pray that we can bring him home. Even for a little while. and that he will be comfortable.

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. We still need them evern more now than ever. We do know that Grayson has a Guadian Angel all his own. A little redheaded one named Kinsey, and I know she is with us all now.

God bless...
Love,
Kristi

Grayson's Update on 6/2/09

2009-06-30T13:42:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to send out an update on our Dr's appt this morning...
easier to tell everybody at once this way.

Grayson is now 3lbs and 4 oz. His heart still has a VSD/ASD (two small holes in his heart), but the function looks good and there are no signs of heart failure at this time. He is measuring a little small, about 2 weeks behind... but we knew that he would be smaller than normal.
He is moving around alot, and doing okay otherwise. Of course nothing has changed with his Trisomy 18 diagnosis... unfortunately. But we were glad to be able to see him on the ultrasound moving around with a strong heartbeat.

I had a few problems with some dizziness and just feeling a little funny over the last day or two, but that has all gone away. Dr. Wendel said just probably some issues with getting up too fast and my blood pressure dropping a bit. It was also up just a little the other day, but is now normal and I am feeling okay.
I am having to slow down on doing things (which is hard for me), and just try to take it easy.
I will be taking care of myself to give Grayson the best chance he has to be with us for awhile.
Of course there are no guarantees still on what will happen. Will he survive to term? Will he survive delivery? Will he be able to come home with us?
These are all questions that nag at me every second of every day...and the hardest thing is just not knowing the answers.
Taylor and I still are praying to just be able to have him with us for awhile and bring him home. We don't want to have to come home without our baby this time... even if we only have him for a short time at home. It would still be better that way. And of course the most important thing is that Grayson is comfortable.

We also spoke to a Neonatologist this morning, he will be at the delivery if at all possible. If not, one of his partners will be there. We wanted them involved just so that we can all be on the same page for what is best for Grayson. We don't want to put him through anything that he doesn't need to go through. We all agreed to do what is best for Grayson, no matter how hard it will be for us. He is the most important thing right now. This means there will be no ventilators or drastic measures done. There is no reason to put him through anything like that... I have seen too much of that over the years, and won't have anything happen to my son that isn't what should happen.

If things go as we hope they will, I will likely be induced around July 7th. Thats saying I do not go into labor before that time. We ask for prayers that I am able to keep him in until that time... It will be a much more controlled situation if I don't just go into labor. Also all of my Dr's will be able to be there with us.

Please just keep us in your prayers...we need them now more than ever.
and most of all, Pray for Grayson.
Love,
Kristi

A Long Pause....

2009-06-20T07:35:00.002-05:00

It's been a really long time since I have posted anything here. It's not because Kinsey hasn't been on my mind, let me assure that.
Taylor and I found out some news not long after we got home from the Ole Miss Football trip for my birthday. We found out that I was pregnant.
On my birthday I took a pregnancy test, and it was confirmed. We were both excited, sad, nervous, happy and scared to death at the same time.

All had gone well with the pregnancy until March. Everything seemed normal, and the baby looked good. We were still nervous and just praying everything would be okay with the birth of another child. I firmly believe that Kinsey didn't make it due to distress in labor...which SHOULD have been detected. There is no good reason she is not with us here today.
On March 5th we had a Level II ultrasound done. We knew something wasn't right by just the way the tech acted when we asked her questions. After she was done, our Dr. walked in. We have been through so much losing Kinsey...and we just wanted to have a normal healthy baby, however thats not what we were told.
The baby had 3 "markers". Choroid Plexus cysts on the brain, a Ventricle Septal Defect (hole in the heart), and femurs that measured a little short. The three of these together were a sign that there could be something wrong. We were given the option of an Amniocentesis, I wanted to think about it for awhile.
There was a good chance that the baby would have Down Syndrome, or another Trisomy disorder. Trisomy 18 or 13. Both of which are terminal.
To say we were devastated is an understatement. I decided later that day that I could not wait. We had to know as soon as possible if there was something wrong with our baby. I had the amnio done that afternoon.
We also found out something else that day.
We were not going to find out the sex this time of the baby, but once we knew there may be something wrong...we wanted to know.

It's a boy.

On Monday the 9th we were driving home from somewhere, when I got a call.
I knew that it was the results, and I knew they weren't good by the tone of the lady's voice.
Our baby was positive for Trisomy 18.

We were given all choices when we went back to see my MD. Choices like ending the pregnancy, or carrying to term. We felt we had no option. We carry him to term. I could never have lived with myself had I dont anything else. I do however find this to be a very personal decision when you know you are carrying a child who is terminal... It's just not an option I could have handled any other way. Taylor felt the same way.
One hour with our son would give us memories of a lifetime.
What we had to pray for now was that he just be comfortable, and that we could maybe get to have him for a little while.

This is the copy of a letter Taylor wrote when we found out about our baby boy... who by the way we have named Grayson Thomas. I named him the day we found out the results of the tests. He is named after his big sister Kinsey Grace. Appropriate I believe.

I am attaching the email now from Taylor:

Wanted you to know...
This is an extremely difficult email to type. I wish I could call all of our family and friends to tell everyone what is going on in our life right now, but I just can't. Many of you don't know that Kristi is pregnant because we wanted to wait to be sure everything was fine with our child before we told everyone. We we're hoping to be able to tell everyone that we are expecting a healthy child, but that is not the news we received.
Last week during our 20 week ultrasound we got some disturbing news. Our second child was noted to have a few "markers" that potentially indicated Down Syndrome. Kristi and I knew during the ultrasound that something was wrong when we asked if everything was normal; the ultrasound tech was a little distant and told us the Dr would have to talk with us about that. Of course we were concerned, worried, mad, and everything else all tied into one. When Dr. Wendel walked in, he talked to us about pregnancies that are not normal and gave us a few scenarios that pertain to our situation.
We know that our baby boy has a heart defect, cysts on his brain, and he is not developing like a normal child. Kristi and I decided to have an amniocentesis to confirm or exclude problems with our baby. Waiting on those results was extremely difficult for both of us. Unfortunately we got news yesterday that shocked us both. Our boy has a chromosome disorder called Trisomy 18. It is a rare genetic condition that can best be describe as a "fluke". The outcome for these children is extremely poor if they make it to term.
Dr Wendel and the genetic counselors told us that Kristi has about a 40-50% chance of having a miscarriage. If he is born at term his time with us will be short. Depending on the extent of his heart defect and the potential lung issues we may have as little as a few hours or potentially a couple of months.
We were given options of terminating the birth because of the severity of his condition. It's not an easy decision to make, but we made up our minds. We decided that an hour with our baby boy is something that we can cherish and remember for a lifetime. God willing he will be born and not suffer, but we don't know at this point. Our worry is that he could live his short time on earth in pain, but we will do everything within our power to make sure that doesn't happen.
I wish I could call everyone and tell you we are OK and that everything will be fine, but I can't do that right now. After Kinsey died, Dr Wendel told us that his goal is to get us home with a healthy baby. Unfortunately that is not going to happen. The waiting game is the hardest part. We don't know when the inevitable will happen, but we do know what the end result is. There is some solace in knowing this time I guess. Burying our second child is not going to be easy and the days between now and then are going to be filled with sorrow. All I can ask from all of you is to please pray for our son and for us as well.

Kristi and Taylor

Pictures of the Birthday Weekend

2008-11-18T20:53:00.012-06:00

I figured out a different way to get my pictures on the computer...so I finally got to post all of the Football Weekend pictures. We had a great time, and it was good to be with family for my birthday too. I couldn't have asked for a better suprise. Thank you all!!

My Mom, Aunt Wanda, Uncle Mark, Aunt Judy ,Uncle Virgil and Taylor and I in The Grove.

Me, Taylor and Patrick after the game.

Taylor had to put it on...

Patrick and his Mom

Mom & Daddy.

I don't think there are any words for this picture!

Patrick at Halftime... He is the Third from the left on the Front Row. He plays the Trumpet.

I also have a video I would love to get on here of him playing...and when I get it figured out, I'll post it.

I told Taylor I was going to post on here that he's not "perfect"! Everybody sends me comments about how great he is...

I'm lauging at him as I post this. He definately has his flaws! But I guess we all do. He did stay up all night the other night playing Playstation3, and thats happened more than once. He insanely competitive, but so am I (I'm sure Kinsey would have been more competitive than the two of us put together!).

He has quite a quick temper when he wants to....but usually settles down pretty quick. If I could just teach him how to cook and clean the house...I would be in business!

He is a great husband...one I can do things with, and one that I can just sit around and be bored with if we want. But one thing is definate... Kinsey would have had a great Daddy here on earth. Insanely protective, fun to do things with...and one that loved her more than I could have ever imagined I would see.

Taylor will be reading this I'm sure....since he just asked me why I was typing so much! But when he does, he will just see that after everything we have been through...I can't imagine ever not having him be the one by my side.

Birthday Wishes

2008-11-05T23:40:00.002-06:00

I turned 37 on November 5th...hard to believe. The birthday wish I want, I can not have. I will have it one day though, one day I will be with Kinsey again. I do still have hope for a family here on this earth, I know I already have one in Heaven waiting on me.

Taylor had a surprise planned for my birthday, and the only thing I knew was that it was relatively close to my hometown...because we went there first. We spent 2 days in Brookhaven, and the first place I went after seeing my parents was to the cemetary to see Kinsey's new stone. It was mixed emotions for both of us. It was the first time we had been able to go back since the services. I did alright I guess, but broke down when I got there. Just was so real and so striking to see her name on there.

It was just as we wanted though, it was beautiful. I'm sure she can see it and loves it too. Taylor and I went to the florist and bought some Stargazer Lillies to take with us (those are the flowers I painted in Kinsey's nursery). It was good to just go alone and give her the lillies.

And of course we also brought her some Ladybugs! Live ladybugs...and when we released them, they went everywhere! They were all over her flowers and her stone. It was amazing. Something so simple as ladybugs made me so happy. That in itself was a great birthday present. Taking our daughter her flowers and ladybugs.

I gave her my bracelet, and I put on another....I never take it off.

I know in my heart that she is not there, but its just good to be able to have a place to honor her. I'm also so grateful to my Mom and my Grandma for keeping flowers out there for Kinsey all the time. She has a beautiful view of our church...and of course the softball field where I spent many a summer on the pitchers mound.

On Friday afternoon I finally got to find out what my birthday surprise was... a college football game with my family there! I had a great time with everyone...and even got to see my cousin play in the band at halftime. I can't believe at least one person in my family didn't let it slip, they did good at keeping a secret for a very long time.

He took me to Batesville, Ms....and pulled into a hotel. At that point I knew we were going to an Ole Miss football game, because there isn't anything else to do in Batesville, Ms.

I went to school at Mississippi State...but grew up rooting for Ole Miss due to my Dad and his brother Mark mostly. I'm one of the weird Mississippi people who pulls for all the Mississippi teams...especially living in another state. Its more of a Mississippi thing than anything. Don't hold it against me my Mississippi State friends.....especially Kenny and Sallie Ann! One of my guesses of where Taylor was taking me was Starkville! But I knew shortly after arriving in Batesville why we were going to the Ole Miss vs Auburn game. My parents and my two aunts and uncles were there to surprise me and I had a great time. It was great to see my cousin play the trumpet before the game in The Grove and at Halftime.

I have some great pictures at the game...but I can't seem to find our card reader right now, so I'll just have to post them later. I pray we find that thing...it wasn't cheap!

The first night we were there we ate supper at a hole in the wall place in Como, Ms. Downtown Como....very small. The place was called the Como Steakhouse, and it was excellent! The steaks were Huge, and they grilled them on an open grill right behind our table. If you are ever in Como, Ms...I highly recommend it! We want to go back... The only drawback was that we were all so full after we left that we were pretty much nonfunctional the rest of the night.

The game was an early game at 11:30am...so we got to Oxford at around 9am. Had time to walk around and see Patrick play, then head to the game. The Rebels beat Auburn, it was a great game. Unfortunately the Bulldogs let Kentucky beat them the same day.

It was a great birthday surprise...with family and Taylor, and football. Not bad.

After the football weekend we headed back to Brookhaven and spent a couple of more days. I got to see my family a little more and have dinner at my Grandparents. They are in their 80's and going strong... I'm blessed to still have them in my life. They would have spoiled Kinsey horribly! But she would have already been rotten...

We drove back to Arkansas on Tuesday. I thank God for a safe trip for us all. I got back home to Macey and Brooks...they were wild when we picked them up.

And when I got to the house, I went in the nursery...the lillies were still blooming. I miss you all the time Kinsey.

Its been awhile...

2008-10-28T11:32:00.007-05:00

It has been awhile since my last post, and alot has happened since then....

I have to say that its been 3 months since I gave birth to Kinsey...and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes it dosen't seem real..kind of like a dream. We looked forward to meeting her for so long, and we still have everything here ready for her. Her room is just as it was, and I'm sure it will be for some time. Some people probably think that they wouldn't be able to go in her nursery, but although its hard sometimes....I feel close to her in there. I go in from time to time to just be alone and think of her, talk to her and pray. I know that she can hear and see me in there talking to her, and that one day...we will be together again. And she can tell me all about Heaven and what its been like for her there. Never knowing sin, never knowing pain, never knowing suffering....I can truly say and believe that although I would always rather have Kinsey here with me, that I am comforted by the thoughts of where she truly is this very second. There is nowhere else better than that.

Just to say a few things that have happened lately, I have finally started back at work. I actually went back on Oct. 4th...(my Mom's Bday), and this weekend was my 4th weekend to work. It was so hard to go back. I'm sure that any job is hard to go back to, but with my job....it was 10 times as hard. I am blessed though to work with some amazing people. A group of people that have been there for me when I needed them, and left me to myself when I needed that too. God truly blessed me with their friendship.

They all got together and gave me something that I never take off...a pair of ruby earrings ( July's Birthstone) to honor Kinsey. I can't thank them enough, and I want all of you that I work with that are reading this... to know how much I love you all, and how much your friendship and support have sustained me.

Being back at work and around children has been tough....sometimes a little more than I can take. But the ones at work with me have helped me to only take the patients that I am comfortable with, the bigger kids and teenagers. I think I do better with taking care of boys rather than girls as well. Just to have something totally different, so that I won't be able to tie my patient to my daughter. It will be some time before I can take care of an infant.

Its hard enough to be surrounded by rooms that are filled with babies that are sick and suffering, and by the families that are there. I can relate to them way too much now...I know what they are feeling, and its very draining. I am only working 2 twelve hour nights a week, and by the end of that second night...I'm done. Its not just a physical draining now, its emotional.

I was excited about finishing up this weekend at work...because I don't have to go back this coming weekend! Taylor and I are leaving on Wednesday to drive to Mississippi. My husband is not one to do suprises very often, so I'm trying to soak this one in. He is taking me somewhere this weekend for my birthday (which is the 5th of November)...and I have no idea where it is going to be. I can assume its close to home since we are able to go to Mississippi first, but thats all I know.

On Wednesday we are going to Jackson first, and I am going to get to see some old friends that I worked with in Jackson at UMC. I'm so excited to see them. They will always be my first group of PICU friends, and will always have a special place in my heart. They were there for me at Kinsey's services...and that meant so much to me. To look up and see them there was very comforting to me, and I hope that they all know that. I will never forget it.

My brother also lives in the Jackson area now, and we will be meeting up with him as well. It will be great to see him again too. After we leave Jackson, we will go to my parents in Brookhaven. We have not been able to go to the cemetary since we were last in Brookhaven...so that is one of the first places we will go. Her headstone is in now, and we are ready to see it. I have heard that it's exactly what we wanted. I know that Kinsey is not really there...but going there will be a time for us to pray and to be there for her. It's going to be hard to go there, but at the same time I can't wait to be there. My family has been going almost every day and keeping flowers there all the time...and of course Hobo is out there too.

There is something else that I have been meaning to post about...but just haven't yet. Taylor got me a Jack Russell puppy when we got back home to Arkansas. In a way she has been a Godsend to me. She gave me something to take care of and something to hold. There is nothing more empty than the arms of a Mother who has lost her child....and holding Macey has helped me. She of course is a puppy who has no idea of all we have been through, but she loves us unconditionally...and definately keeps us moving. It's true what they say about Jack Russell puppies being hyper! She is wild at times and lazy at others...but I have to say that she is definately high maintaince all the time! This weekend will be our first time without her...she has to spend the week at the Vet. Brooks will be there to keep her company...and I know that all the people who work at our Vets office are going to spoil her while we are gone, so I know she is in good hands...but we will miss her!

I wanted to take this time to again say thank you to all of you who have been there for Taylor and I, you all mean so much to us....and we will never forget it. I'm going to go and start packing for our trip!

I love you all....and God Bless.

Kinsey, we love you and miss you all the time.

Butterflies, Ladybugs and Hobo

2008-10-11T04:00:00.026-05:00

Its been days since my last post...not because I haven't been wanting to write, its just that sometimes its such an emotional toll and I just haven't been able to do it...I kind of have to prepare myself sometimes to post. Other times I don't, just changes day to day.

I have been wanting to post some pictures and talk a little about Kinsey's service....and about some things that happened in between. Some of you were there, and I am so grateful that you were. For those that were not able to be there, this will give you a little insight.

I can't tell you many people were there to support us and to see Kinsey. So many people and we appreciate and love every one of you. I know now thinking back that I was in a state of shock for days after I gave birth to Kinsey. I guess it was my body kicking in a sort of coping mechanism to save me....and I'm sure that all the medicine I was taking had a part in it as well.

I can remember talking to some people in Brookhaven at the services, and then there are other people that I know that I talked to...but for the life of me I can't remember it.

There was one thing in particular that happened to us, in one of the worst possible times. I think it was God's way of sending us a little comfort. It was something simple, yet it meant a lot to us. We were at my church, at the cemetary....doing something that I never even fathomed would happen. We were picking a place to bury Kinsey, it was so hard...so surreal.

As we were walking around the cemetary a little solid black Lab puppy walked up and started following us around. He was so cute, and Taylor and I both love dogs anyway. He stayed out there with us the whole time....and after we picked out a resting place we all stood in a circle and had a prayer. Guess who walked up and stood in the circle in during the prayer...yep, the little lab puppy.

We have since found out that he belongs to our friends Roger and Kathi who live right next door to the church. They named him Hobo. He got his name because he was a stray who just stumbled up one day and wouldn't leave...long story short, Hobo has been hit by a car twice and lived to tell about it. I believe that Hobo survived for a purpose, to give Taylor and I a little comfort that day when we needed it. We think of him as Kinsey's puppy...always visiting her and looking over things.

The day of Kinsey's service, Taylor did something for Kinsey and me that to this day will never forget. He somehow thought to order a box full of Butterflies! They were Monarch Butterflies....and after the last words were said at the cemetary that morning, we opened the box and let them go. They were so beautiful, and I know that Kinsey watched them all fly around. To this day and for the rest of my life, when I see a Butterfly...I will think of my Kinsey.

It goes back a long way for Taylor and I...but we have had this thing about Ladybugs. We even decorated Kinsey's nursery with ladybugs...its so pretty. Taylor ordered Ladybugs too...they just didn't get to us in time for the service. But that was okay, because they arrived a few days later.

After the services were done, and we went back home...Taylor and I decided to drive down to New Orleans just to get away and be alone. I definately was not physically able to do much, but we just wanted to go.
I am so glad we did, because it was really good for both of us. We stayed at the Omni Royal Orleans, only a couple of blocks from Jackson Square...and it was wonderful. It was August in N.O., so it was really HOT...but there was a storm in the Gulf (imagine that) so it was a little cooler that usual.
We spent most of our time walking around to shops and places to eat, just soaking up New Orleans. I would have loved to take Kinsey there, to the zoo and the aquarium....she would have loved it as much as we do I'm sure. I know though that she was there with us the whole time.

One thing that Taylor wanted to do was get a haircut and an old fashioned shave...with a straight razor! He had never been to an old time barber shop, so with the help of the Omni...I found him one. Ernie's... He loved it. Kinsey was laughing at him I'm sure.

The last night we were there Taylor took me on a private carriage ride through the city. I've been carriage rides in New Orleans before, but this was the first private one. The girl giving the carriage ride tour was great, and reminded me a lot of a good friend of mine from New Orleans...(Lisa).

Something I will always remember from this trip was visiting the St. Louis Cathedral in the Square. We went there every day and lit a candle for Kinsey each time we were there, saying a prayer for our daughter together. I will have that memory forever. St. Louis Cathedral is the oldest cathedral in North America, beautiful isn't it. A perfect place to light a candle for our daughter.

We stayed two nights in N.O. and then headed back to Brookhaven that morning. It was starting to get pretty hot down there... so after a breakfast of Cafe du Monde beignets and coffee we went home.

This was in no way a vacation...but a time to get away and be with each other and our thoughts and memories of our daughter, and it was a good decision to just get away.

When we got back to Brookhaven, of course the main place we wanted to go...was to the cemetary to be with Kinsey. We know that she is not really there, she is in Heaven above...but its the place now where we can go to be close to her.
Taylor had one more suprise for me when we got home. He had bought 1500 Ladybugs! You keep them in the refrigerator of all places until you wake them up to set them free. So my parents had ladybugs in the crisper for 2 days until we got home!
We went to the cemetary that evening as the sun was about to set. There were still so many flowers there..and of course Hobo.

We placed Ladybugs there with Kinsey...they were so pretty, they were crawling around the flowers and flying around. It was so amazing to do that for Kinsey, and for Taylor to get them for us. We also left a few Ladybugs at my parent's house in the garden...and then brought the rest to our garden in Arkansas. That way, we all have Ladybugs with us.

I will never look at a Ladybug or a Butterfly the same way again. I know that everytime I see one, its Kinsey telling me that she is okay...that she is watching over us and she always will be, until we can be with her again.

Anonymous

2008-09-30T12:52:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to say to please remember to sign your comments to us if you post it as anonymous...(especially if we know you personally)...so that we know who to thank or who to get back to. There was a great comment today from someone who just found out about Kinsey...but I don't know who it was because they forgot to sign. If you read this, please let me know who you are.
We have really loved all the comments...and they continue to lift me up.
God bless all of you.

The way to treat a Mother who is grieving

2008-09-22T23:37:00.004-05:00

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Remembering

2008-09-21T21:03:00.002-05:00

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

2008-09-21T12:42:00.014-05:00

"Lord, make something beautiful out of all this suffering...."

The lady singing in this video actually lost her infant son. They lost him to SIDS. The words in this song are amazing, and are an inspiration to me... Remember to stop the music in the playlist before watching.

Just Breathe....

2008-09-20T22:51:00.008-05:00

Its been awhile since I last posted anything here. I know that some friends have asked about me since there have been no updates lately....I'm surviving, I'm here..
Thats something I have thought about lately. What do I say when someone asks how I am? I'm not what I would call "okay"..... So, I decided to say that I'm surviving, I'm here. I'm getting up in the morning, getting dressed, putting on makeup and breathing.

I have two very good friends in Clinton, Mississippi that I used to work with at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. Their names are Russ and Julie. They have been married for some time now, and they are the couple that I took my first travel assignment with in St. Paul, Minnesota. Russ and Julie had a little girl named Sarah who was stillborn. It was a total shock to them...(sound familiar?)
They went to see their OB and had their bags packed for the hospital just in case. If she had been dilated any at all, her OB was going to induce. Julie's pregnancy had been fine without complications up to this point. When they got in the office they did an ultrasound...and could not find a heartbeat. They did induce Julie, but she and Russ didn't get to take their daughter home either.

When we were at home in Brookhaven at Kinsey's visitation Friday night, I looked up from the couch where I was sitting (right next to Kinsey)...and I saw Julie and Russ standing there. I had been thinking about them, and wanting to talk to them...but just figured that I would get to that much later down the road. I can't tell you how great it was to see them.

God works in ways we can never fathom. They didn't plan on being at Kinsey's visitation, they in fact had just heard about us. Julie's Mom lives in Brookhaven...and they just happened to be coming through town dropping off their dog at her Mom's house, while they went out of town. Mrs. Dolly (Julie's Mom) had read about Kinsey in the newspaper and told them about what had happened.
I don't think that they were just there by luck....I believe that God sent them there, it was just too coincidental. They have been a source of strength for me...and will continue to be I'm sure.

Russ said something to me that I will never forget. They knew how in pain I was, and how in shock I was...they had been there. He said, "Just Breathe...thats all you have to do, Just Breathe. " And he was right. Thats what I did. Thats what Taylor did. Thats what my family did. Thats all we had the strength to do.

I still don't really know how I have made it through these 7 1/2 weeks. It dosen't seem real sometimes. I can't say that I have made it through a day yet without crying...and thats okay with me. I'm just suprised that I have made it this far without totally going insane. Taylor and I have been able to have some time together, and I have also been able to have some time to myself. I needed the time alone and with Taylor...I didn't have the energy to do anything else.
It really has been a challenge to just do everyday things. For awhile I just didn't want to get up, or to talk. I had no interest in doing anything I usually enjoyed doing. All I wanted to do was sit there. I just wanted to be alone, or with Taylor...everything else just required to much effort.

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am right now. By God's Grace I am here and surviving. Taylor went back to work 2 weeks ago, it was hard for him but he has done okay. He tends to always be doing something when he is off work too, it keeps your mind busy.

This week I started doing things around the house. I'm feeling a little better physically and able to be more active...so it has been nice to just do things. We cleaned out our garage on Tuesday and spent the entire day outside with the dogs. The weather was great, and it just felt good to be outside. The rest of the week I found things to do. I even cleaned out closets... I took 3 bags of clothes to Goodwill yesterday.

I have this feeling that I need to be doing something, so I have kept myself busy with work around the house. But I know what the feeling is.... Its the feeling that I'm not doing something, that I'm missing something. I'm physically and emotionally feeling that I should be taking care of Kinsey right now. I should be taking care of our baby. Changing diapers, making bottles, washing onsies, watching Taylor play with his daughter...and learning to be a Mama. Thats what I'm missing. So I will keep trying to keep myself busy, we will keep ourselves going. We don't really know what else to do. I miss her just as much right now as the day I gave birth to her...if not more.

Everything we have done and planned for the last year was to get ready for her. She was our reason for planning and painting, and decorating, and shopping. We have a nursery in the house that is empty, it's just not right. Kinsey is always on my mind, every minute.

We have to continue to trust God and hold onto our faith and each other. Thats all I know to do. Thats what has gotten me this far. So I'm surviving...we both are. Are we "okay?"... I don't know. I know things will never be the same here, and I've come to realize that thats okay. I have a totally different perspective on grief than I used to have. Its not something that will ever go away, its something that actually becomes a part of you.

I've said before that Kinsey's death is not something that I will ever "get over"...I don't want to, but I do pray that I can become stronger. Stronger emotionally, and stonger in my Faith. I have always had the desire to be a better Christian...to have a home in Heaven one day with Jesus. I now have another reason to live life in the way that He would have me live it....to be with our daughter again.

Russ and Julie survived...and are a source of hope and strength to me...as are others who have survived losing a baby. They still love and miss Sarah everyday....they were blessed 7 months ago with another baby girl, and this time they got to take her home.

It will be 8 weeks to the day this Monday, and it still seems like yesterday. Kinsey...Mama and Daddy miss you and love you so much. Watch over us until we can be with you again.
Goodnight.

This song was written by Angie Smith, and the only way to hear it is by watching the video on YouTube. It is a song that has really helped me. I do believe that I was blessed by carrying Kinsey while she was here in this world...and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o&feature=related

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness But I know

That the silence Has brought me to His voice

And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you

by...Angie Smith

What makes a Mother

2008-09-09T11:56:00.002-05:00

I read this poem last night and it provided a little comfort, the thought of her visiting me here on earth...while it might sound weird to some...it actually makes me feel better. Yesterday was 6 weeks to the day since Kinsey was here with us, I miss her every second of every day.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik

We said Hello at the same time that we said Goodbye

2008-09-06T22:46:00.005-05:00

It was around 5pm, and they had just told me that I was at 10 cm....I knew what that meant. Taylor and I had my Mom, Dad and my cousin Peyton there with us. I asked everyone to leave at that time, because I just wanted it to be me and Taylor there at delivery. I didn't want a room full of people there watching me push....and I didn't want anyone else there in case something went wrong. I don't know if that was my subconscious mind knowing that something was not right....
I know that it wasn't exactly a normal delivery, but it wasn't anything that they had not seen and dealt with in the past. Kinsey was a "brow presentation" as they call it. They did say that it would be harder to deliver her, but that it was something that should not cause any problems. Everything had been fine up until the last 30 minutes of labor.
I got nervous when the oxygen mask was placed on me..., but they wanted more oxygen to get to her. Kinsey starting having decels (heartrate drops) but she always recovered....its not that uncommon for a baby to have decels during this part of delivery, as long as they could recover. Everyone that needed to be there for delivery was there in the room with us. It did cross my mind why they didn't just take me to the OR for a C-section....but she was so close to coming out. I knew that I just needed a few more good pushes to get her here and then it would all be ok.
I pushed back to back, hardly resting at all in between...because I knew it was so close. At 6:30pm she finally arrived...I could see her. They cut the cord and passed her to the Pediatrician. I knew the second I saw her that something wasn't right. I'm sure that Taylor did too. He looked at me and I asked him to go with her. She was just behind the curtain, but I knew what was happening. I know too much about the medical world...and so does Taylor. We knew she wasn't breathing and that they were trying to bag air into her lungs. He walked back over to me with tears in his eyes and said that she didn't have a heartrate. I will never forget the look on his face...and I don't ever want to see that look again.
We both know that they did all they knew to do...but our daughter did not make it. Looking back now, I know that I was in some sort of state of shock. I couldn't believe it. The happiest time and the happiest day of our lives turned to the worst day of our lives in a few short minutes.
I don't know how long it was before they told my family in the waiting room, but it seemed like forever. They all came in, and I can't remember if I was holding Kinsey at that time or not. I can't explain how grateful I was; that we were....that they were there. My parents were strong, but I know how hard it was for them. I'm so grateful for Peyton for being there. She took the pictures that I have come to treasure more than my life. I have no words to explain how thankful I am that they were there for us. Taylor and I couldn't do anything at that time. We couldn't even talk.
They of course brought Kinsey into the room with us and she stayed there with us for as long as we wanted. We held her constantly. She was so perfect, all that I could see of her was perfect. It was what I couldn't see that wasn't. Everyone stayed with us for awhile...we had some friends come to be with us as well. Thank you to Ryan, Jennifer and Ashley. You all helped so much that day, and still do.
We had Kinsey baptised, she was so pretty in her little white dress with the little ducks and birds on it. Everyone left at some point in the night...and it was just Taylor and I there with our little girl. It wasn't long enough. We both held her and kissed her and told her we loved her, and how we had been waiting on her all this time.
I know that she knows all of this, I know that she knows we love her and miss her and want her back here with us. And I know that where she is right now...she dosen't want be here. She will never know anything bad. I know that she is waiting on us, and will be watching over us until we can get there to be with her again.
We still don't know what happened, and we may never know. I pray that someday we will. We had a meeting with our Doctor this week and talked about things that happened in delivery. He went through everything with us step by step, and he has no answers. She should have been okay. We will hear the final results from all of the tests in the next few weeks we hope. The only thing that we know for sure is that her lungs were not normal...they were not able to take in any air. Even though they bagged air into her lungs, they did not work. The histology however was normal, which makes it even more confusing to everyone.
This has been a very emotional post for me, and I'm going to end it now because its just too much at one time. I need some time to remember and to pray....
I miss you Kinsey Grace, me and your Daddy miss you and love you very much.

The last thing I want to post is the lyrics to a song that has really touched Taylor and I. I came across it on a site, and when I heard the words...it sounded like it was written just for us. The name of the song is Smallest Wingless, and its by Craig Cardiff. I have a version of the song here on the blog. Its actually the second song on the music list...........however the version is not my favorite. To hear the version that Taylor and I prefer go to the myspace page of Craig Cardiff. It is:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26500824
The song is in his list of songs on the top right side of the page, you may have to click on the song name to hear it.
This song is just unreal to me....please take the time to listen to it if you can. Please say a prayer for us when you hear it.
Thank you all, and God Bless.
Goodnight.

Smallest Wingless.....
Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no little heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
And held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.

Responses to all of you....

2008-09-01T18:53:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to say to you all that I want to, and will respond to everyone of you in time...
Either by email, or phone calls. I have so many people to thank and so many of you that I want to talk to, I will eventually get there.
I just don't want anyone to think that I'm not getting your emails or comments. As I said before, they all mean so much to me...it will just take me time to get to all of you.
We (My family and friends in Mississippi and Louisiana) have been lucky (God blessed) from the Hurricane so far. I pray that is stays that way with the tornados and flooding.
By the way...if you click on the pictures of the slideshow, you can enlarge them.
Love to you all..........and to Kinsey.

The scar will always be there, but just let yourself feel it.

2008-09-01T13:01:00.010-05:00

I have had so many things going on the last few days, that I haven't had the time I wanted to update the blog. Between the Memorial service in Shreveport (Thank God we all made it home safely)...and all the chaos with Hurricane Gustav, well lets just say we have been busy. Mrs. Mona's service was beautiful, and she had so many family and friends there. It was hard on everyone, but we made it through. It of course brought back many painful memories, and was just tough. I had many thoughts of Kinsey that day, and I'm sure Taylor, my parents and others did as well. Two funerals way too close together. Two funerals that should have never had to be. Mrs. Mona is in Heaven with Kinsey at this very moment, looking over us all.
My parents left early Sunday morning instead of Monday due to Hurricane Gustav making landfall earlier than expected. Brookhaven, my hometown is just 120 miles north of New Orleans on I-55 South...so we always get massive winds, rain and tornados during hurricanes. Prayers are needed with this hurricane hitting, and God willing all will not be as bad as expected.
I have realized lately that I still am in need of time to myself...or time with just Taylor. I am not to the point where I can be around large groups of people for long periods of time. Its not that I don't want to, or that I don't appreciate everyone...my body and emotional state just hasn't been able to handle it. I find myself getting nervous (which is very unlike me) and finding my way to somewhere where I can be alone. To just be still. I know this will in time change.
Its just that I can't seem to take my mind off of Kinsey and all that has happened. I can do some things that I normally do...I did my Fantasy Football team. (For those of you who know me well, you understand that its a big deal for me) Its just that everything that I do or see reminds me of Kinsey. I want to be reminded...I don't ever not want to think of her, its just that right now it hurts...the pain of the bad memories still stings bitterly. Its the things that I will never get to do with her that are constantly in my head.
For instance something as simple as Fantasy Football. I had been looking forward to holding Kinsey while I did my football draft....I wanted to introduce her to football. I know she would have loved it as much as I do. The reminders are everywhere right now....and thats ok, they just hurt.
I don't ever want to not think or talk about her. She will always be a part of me and Taylor...our firstborn. I know also that it has to be hard for friends and family of ours to know what to say...and I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to talk about her, and it not be a subject that people avoid.
Not talking about her, or avoiding the issue is not a good thing for me. I can't get her out of my mind....so with everything I do, I have her in my head and heart. So a problem I have run into is when we just go on with life as usual. (and at the same time I know that one day, to a certain degree...I will be able to go back to that.) Life is NOT usual for me right now (and it will always be different...things will never be as they once were), so I think that people will just have to bear with me for awhile. I will always be Kinsey's Mama, and Taylor will always be Kinsey's Daddy...so in that respect our lives have changed forever....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I need people to just be there...even if I need to be alone....thats the best thing I could ask for.
A very good friend of mine in Mississippi (a true New Orleans Lady by birth) sent me an email that I have looked at many times and it has given me a lot of perspective on memories.
She said that a special Aunt of hers told her one time that:
"the pain will get better, but the scar will always be there. Give yourself the time, and years from now... when you feel the scar, it will be okay. But just let yourself feel it. Ours is not to question why, but try to continue to have faith."
Thank you Lisa Manuel.
That pretty much is how I feel right now, and its a point I know I have to get to. I just don't know how long it will take. With the help of God, our family and friends...we will get there one day.
I can't tell you how much all the comments, prayers and emails have meant to me. They have really been keeping me going, I love reading each one of them. I must have read them all over and over...and I am always thankful each time.
I will post more later......God bless you all and thank you again.

Shreveport

2008-08-27T23:36:00.003-05:00

My plan was to start telling you more about Taylor, Kinsey and myself...but that just didn't happen today. For one thing my computer was SO SLOW all day (Don't EVER get satellite internet, it costs too much and its basically just TERRIBLE)..so I just never really got a chance to get on the computer. But also I never got started because today I just basically didn't feel like it. Some days are better than others, and I guess thats normal in this situation....but nothing feels normal. Today was just a bad day for emotions. One of the days where I just wanted to scream and cry all day...but I made it through the day without losing it. I can't say that I didn't cry ( there hasn't been a day yet that I haven't cried), but I managed to make it through the day without just holeing up in my bedroom and crying myself senseless.
Im sure my parents being here helped, because Taylor and I are apart right now...so they have been a big help to me, just being here.
Im lying in bed right now because I can't sleep, so I figured I would tell about the next two days. Taylor is in Shreveport and has been since Sunday night. The lady that he calls his "Mom" passed away on Monday the 25th. and as I sit here and type this I just realized that Mrs. Mona passed away exactly 4 weeks after Kinsey...also on a Monday, and at almost the same time of day....6:30ish. How strange is that. Everyone in her family, and also Taylor said that she is up there in Heaven right now holding Kinsey and looking after her. I'm jealous of that.
She was in a bad car accident about a week after Kinsey's left us, and was critically injured. Taylor wanted and needed to be there for her and for her family...and to help them with medical questions as well.
One of Taylor's oldest and best friends is Kim, Mrs. Mona is Kim's mother... and I credit Mrs. Mona with helping to keep Taylor sane and on the right path in his teenage years. She took him in and became a mother to him when he needed her. It takes a special woman to take in a teenage boy! but she did, and he (and I) will always be grateful to her and her family.
My parents and I are leaving tomorrow for Shreveport to be there for Mrs. Mona's Memorial service on Friday...and to be there with Taylor.
After the services we will be headed back to Little Rock...so I ask you for prayers for a safe trip for us to and from Shreveport, and also for prayer for Mrs. Mona's family and friends. Please also continue to keep us in your prayers as well. We have lost a daughter, and now my husband has lost his "Mom".....
I know God dosen't give us a cross that we can't bear....but it sure feels like it sometimes.
Thank you all for your comments and emails today....they mean more that you know right now, and help to keep me going.
I'm going to try to get some sleep now, goodnight to you all...and goodnight Kinsey and Mrs. Mona. Hug and squeeze her tight for me.
Love,
Kristi

Kinsey Grace Thompson July 28th, 2008

2008-08-26T23:26:00.013-05:00

Two different friends sent me a link to a blog about a Mother who lost her daughter.
that is how I got the idea to start my own blog about my daughter....never would I have imagined that I would be in this position. I wanted to write this blog to talk to family and friends, to let them know what has happened with Taylor, Kinsey and myself.
Its easier to type the words than to speak them....this is the time in life when you can't seem to talk without crying. So I will type, and let those that don't know what has happened recently to our family know the details.....and this way I only have to type it once.
Taylor and I, as most of you know....were expecting a baby girl. On July 28th, 2008 at 7:15 in the morning my water broke....and then at 6:35 PM, our hearts broke. The beautiful red headed baby girl that was exactly what we had wished for, did not survive.
Our daughter, Kinsey Grace was born at 6:30 PM. Even though we wanted and loved her so much, she was not able to be with us the way we had planned. Kinsey was born, but never was able to take a breath. She never had a heartrate after they cut the cord. There are no words to explain how we felt and still feel.
I had a normal, basically uneventful pregnancy. Nothing that could have hinted that this would happen. Kinsey's death was a complete and utter shock to Taylor and I, and still at times it dosen't seem real.
In this blog I would like to tell you our story, although tonight I am tired and just doing good to start everything. There is so much to tell, and to share.... and I would like to also have this place to ask for help from all of you for our future. To try again, and to have your prayers and support with us. Kinsey is in the best place that there is....with Our Father in Heaven, I have to take comfort in that because that is the only way I have been able to survive this past 4 weeks. I know without a doubt that the daughter Taylor and I created is now our Guardian Angel in Heaven, and looking over me even as I type. She would want a sister or brother, and God willing with the help a great Doctor and Nurse Practioner she will have that.
I will start back as soon as I am able, we have so much going on in our lives right now.....I will tell you about it all in time. For now, your prayers are needed and appreciated.

I want to leave this post by posting the lyrics to a song that has meant so much to me the last few weeks, its also in the playlist here on the blog.
This song was introduced to me by a friend at work that has had to deal with a similar situation. I thank her for that, and for her friendship when I need it most. Thanks Julie.
Its Glory Baby by Watermark, we actually played it at Kinsey's services and I wanted to share it with you.

Glory Baby....by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabiesand what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…
all you’ll ever know…

Goodnight to you all, and Goodnight Kinsey.
Love,
Kristi

P.S. There is a comment section here on the blog...I invite you all to leave a comment. The first comment left here is from Taylor, I think its fitting that Kinsey's Daddy was the first to leave a message.
Just click on the word "comments" at the bottom of the post. Its small and you really don't notice it, but I would love any comments you may have.
You can also read any comments that have been left by other people.