A working P.O. Box!

Happy to say that my P.O. Box is now in business!  I have no idea why some letters were returned. The only thing I can think of is that they received letters so soon, they didn't realize it was a working box number again?  Who knows... Just glad it's working now. I was starting to doubt myself with posting the wrong address. My mind is spinning most the time, so I wouldn't have been shocked. I'm happy to say it wasn't me :)
I received my first letter today!  Thank you so much Andrea. I promise to put it to good use. I have been sick lately, so haven't been as productive as I had hoped. But I am starting to feel better, and God willing back up to full speed soon. I am also glad to say I have finally thought of a name for my Non Profit. Not going to say in here just yet, but hope to soon. Just as soon as its all set up.
Thank you all so much for your support and help. I can't wait to do more soon.
I'll repost the address just to confirm.

P.O. Box 2788
Madison, MS 39130

Godspeed,
Kristi

Trisomy 18 Awareness Day

3/18.  Trisomy Awareness Day.  
Grayson, you made a mark in this world bigger than I ever will. 
I miss you.

(I received an email saying that a letter was returned from my P.O. Box Address.  I really don't know why, but please try again. I would have emailed you personally... but didn't have your address :)

Possibilities

I am so humbled and excited about the possibilities, stemming from all the comments on Facebook and my blog.  Also by all the people at work who have said something to me, and some who have even already donated.  So many friends, and wonderful people that I don't even know... wanting to help.  I am working now on what the items needed first, and then long term will be.  I wanted to say that I have always received so much support from my family and friends, even when I didn't even know how to accept it.  For that, I thank you.  Everyone of you.  
I still have such a long way to go with my own personal grief and life... but it's such a calling to help, that I can't ignore or put if off anymore. I may not do this all perfectly, but I am going to do it. 
I will be in touch with each of you that have said something to me about helping.  I promise there is enough for everyone :)

I wanted to post my address for any donations:

Kristi Thompson
P.O. Box 2788
Madison, MS 39130

Words can't adequately express how I feel about every one of you who has contacted me.  Thank you..... just thank you.

Godspeed,
Kristi

Trying to live more generously

I really wasn't even sure what I was going to say today when I clicked on "New Post".  To say that its been a long lime since my last entry would be an understatement...  But here I am again. 

I have had something pulling, tugging on me for some time now. I just wasn't at the place where I could make it happen.  To be able to talk to others now, about Kinsey and Grayson... without crying and losing it.  Well, it's taken a long time.  Everything has been a process, for lack of a better term.  

I have finally reached a point where I am trying to be available to others who have been through similar circumstances.  It has taken a very long time.  Anyone that knows or works with me in a casual way, not knowing my history... probably thinks that I don't have any major problems.  I have learned to hide things well.... (most the time).  or "Compartmentalize", the term that  someone who knows me better than anyone would use.
 I have thrown myself into work, and keep myself busy.  

About a month ago... I realized one of the best places for me to start with "giving" was the Fetal Center at the hospital where I work.  The Mother's that go to the Fetal Center are pregnant with babies that have serious fetal diagnosis.... just like I did with Grayson.  There are so many different complex anomalies that they see (Cardiac, Chromosomal etc),  and some of them are diagnosed with Trisomy 18. 
 I never made it, to the NICU or the Nursery with my babies.  And a lot of these mothers won't either.  

I have started small... taking some baby blankets and socks. I also included a Ladybug magnet for the girls, and a Monkey magnet for the boys.  I most recently took some small stuffed animals that my Mom gave me  The nurses there are very appreciative of things to give to the Mothers.  They only have a few stuffed animals to give out.. that they have purchased out of their own pockets.  They are a forgotten group at the hospital. Everyone donates to the Children's Hospital (where I work)... and please don't take this the wrong way.  I LOVE that people donate to our children here.  But these Mothers and babies are a little overlooked.  No one wants to have to really think about the baby and family with the terminal diagnosis...Or the mother who loses her baby in childbirth..... its hard, and its uncomfortable.  I was one of those Mothers.... and I want to help give back to them. 

I know how it feels to have a baby not survive.... VERY unexpectedly (Kinsey).  I also know what it feels like to have a baby with a terminal diagnosis (Grayson).
I cherish the photographs mostly... but I also cherish the blankets and clothes that touched my children.  It's something I have been able to hold onto.  I want others to be able to have something nice to use for their baby... and then hold onto it when they can't hold their baby anymore.  Just like with my children.  
Life is still hard.  My past is still very painful.  I do the best I can every day, and just keep waking up day after day and moving forward. 
 I think that God has been tugging at me for some time... but it's just that I am finally now at the point where I can begin to give.  Finally at the point where I can talk to other mothers. 

Friday, I met a mother with a T18 baby.  She is 8 months old!  I am proud to say that I was able to introduce myself, and talk to her. About my babies, and hers.  I plan on talking to her more.. and I hopefully with meet others in the future.  

One of the main reasons of this post today is to update you a little about me... 
but also to say that if any of you out there would like to help give to these families... I would LOVE the help.  I won't pretend to have a lot of money... but I am going to give what I can.  
If any of you would like to give blankets, outfits, socks, stuffed animals... Anything these families and babies could use... Please contact me.  
I would rather not ask anyone for money... because I don't want anyone to think I am not giving directly to these families.  But if you trust what I am doing enough, then I will buy blankets etc to donate.  
I honestly don't even know who will see this post. No idea if anyone still looks at my blog, or checks in from time to time.  But I posted anyway.  Just for the chance that someone may see it, and want to help. 

Godspeed,
Kristi


Generosity Encouraged   (2 Corinthians 9:6-12)

Remember this:  Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.  Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.  As it is written:
"They have freely scattered their gifts to the poor'
their righteousness endures forever."
Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way so that  you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. 
This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord's people, but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.  

May 8th, 2011... a different kind of Mother's Day.

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck


I sit here right now with many emotions flying through me........ Grace, sorrow, pain, gratitude, disappointment, joy, bittersweet, hurt, brokenness, humbleness, a longing for peace, and Faith .
It's Sunday morning, Mother's Day... not exactly where I want to be, but a good second choice. It's a morning for reflection and memories.
I told myself that I would be honest in my thoughts on here today, because if I really want to help someone else... someone who has lost their child and family, sugarcoating things just won't do.
I would rather be at Church this morning, but I couldn't. Because it's Mother's Day... I just didn't want to put myself in that position. If I could have sat in a room to the side, so that no one would have stared at the person who was falling apart it front of them.. maybe I would have. So I am having a "mini Church" here in my own bedroom. So far, so good.

I have had many emails lately, from people who followed or read my blog... just checking in on us. Saying they are thinking about me, and just wondering how I am. Thank you for that, and it is partly the reason I decided to post again. Another reason, is to reflect... and to maybe try and come full circle (if that's possible). It's not easy, and I have had some difficult times lately... but I have decided to go back and read my blog from the beginning. I never have gone back and read any of my previous posts, because it's like living it all over again. I do think that I have come to that time where I am ready to try.
I was honest and open with what I posted when I lost Kinsey, and also through Grayson's life and loss. I couldn't think of a better way to see who I was then, and who I am now. I remember searching through endless blogs after I lost Kinsey ... looking for anyone who had lost their baby, and lived through it. Then there was Grayson... I searched and read so many different blogs about Mothers with Trisomy 18 babies. Even with my professional background being a nurse in Pediatric Intensive Care, I wanted to just find someone who had been through what I was about to... and it helped. Not that it made it any easier, but I just felt that I wasn't crazy with some of the thoughts and emotions I was having... I wasn't alone. No matter how hard my friends and family tried to put themselves in my position, they just couldn't. I loved them all for trying, and I could not have survived and be where I am now without them. But I also just needed to be in contact with someone else that had "been there".

This is my way of "being there" for someone who may need it. I have come a long way from who and where I was. Not that I am "over" anything (I hate that term), I never will be....I know that very well now. You just learn to be a different person than you were before, call it survival if you will. I can say gladly, that I am now back working in Pediatrics... in a different way, but I'm there... and it is a good thing. I get to be a part in the healing of so many children, and see them go home and live happy lives.
Losing my children was a loss in many different aspects. I lost my children, lost my future with them, and my career. I left the PICU a few months after Kinsey, because it was just too hard. To be there around the babies all the time, and see all the things I have seen. I have fought alot of bitterness, and can't say truthfully that I still don't fight it. It's a constant struggle with all I witness in this life. Mothers who just don't care about their children, who won't take care of them... who allow them to be abused, or abuse them themselves with drugs etc... Yet, THEY can have a child and bring home a healthy baby. Yep, there it is.... bitterness. I still struggle, but I am human.

I have had many changes in my life since last years Mother's Day... not all of them good. I will not go into personal issues about Taylor and I, but for those of you who have read our blog and gotten to "know us"... I feel I should say that we are no longer together. I think I have to say that on here to keep with the honesty, however that is all I will say. We will always share creating the two most beautiful children I have ever seen.
I moved back to Mississippi, and have started a different life with an incredible job... old friends (who I had missed), and a few amazing new ones. Most everyone in my family is here as well.

Yesterday I went home to see my own Mother... and had lunch with family. Including my Grandmother, and my Aunt. Three incredibly strong women who have been Godly influences in my life. Then I went to the Church Cemetery... spent an hour alone in prayer and reflection on holy ground with my children. Took flowers and sat in the grass listening to music. It was beautiful outside, and peaceful.

Lord, they are truly Yours. I only had them but for a little while, and it was way too short. I have been told that I am strong, but I don't really feel like it. I really don't know how I am still able to wake up everyday and just live. I just do. Some days are worse than others. I still feel like I am missing something, and I am. You lose a part of yourself... and you don't get it back. I won't act on here like I have this great faith and am at peace because I know God. I would be lying... because I struggle. Alot. I am constantly searching.
I have feelings of anger, and I question why. How could I not? I try to tell myself, that there are things beyond my comprehension. There has to be a reason, right?
And if taking away the pain meant losing all the memories... I would chose to keep the pain, and the memories.

I do believe in God. And I know He has placed certain people in my life to help me through to where I am today.... and with recent clarity, that's how I see Christ's presence in my life right now. In my family that has been there every second. In my friends who have carried me when I couldn't carry myself, and in a surprise in the mailbox this morning. That is Christ in my life. These recent days I have struggled to see or hear Him... and asked for a sign. I got one, I just had to "open my eyes".

To know that is who my children are with... it is something I can not even attempt to put into words. I know they are perfect and safe, but don't think it doesn't make me miss them any less. I think about how old they would be, and what they would be doing. I think about it everyday. Kinsey would be almost 3 years old, and Grayson almost 2. Whenever I see children that age, I think about them.
I hope that I can make them proud when they look down on me. I will try not to feel sorry for myself (although sometimes I can't help it), and I will be proud that my children did more than I will ever be able to in this life. They ministered to so many. And if they make even one mother or father realize how much they have.... with healthy children, and a marriage that is still intact... Then I will thank God for that.

I do want to say Happy Mother's Day to my Mother, and to those I know who are Mothers.... I love you all.

There is no greater love than between a mother and child.....and no greater grief.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away. I was blessed to have them live in me, and for what time I did get with them, even though it just wasn't long enough. Grant me the strength to live and honor You and them, however that may be.

Godspeed.