An Appropriate Day. The Appropriate Month.

July.  Its the best and the worst month of my life every year.  This year I decided I would try a different approach.
Last year was very difficult... and I told myself I couldn't do things the same this year.  It was just too much.
So.....  I have been posting on Facebook every day this month.  I'm sure I'm making some of my friends crazy, but they haven't seemed to mind so far.  The posts have felt more like blog posts than Facebook some days.
I told myself I was going to start doing the same on here... but just haven't been able to keep up.  With work, life etc...  I hasn't worked out.

I thought today was an appropriate day to finally start on here.

 4 years ago tonight, I lost Grayson.  It was July 12th, around 8:30 pm.  It was awful.
But the 5 days prior, were the best of my life.  I got to be his Mother.
One thing I am hoping to also make happen this month, is the official "start" on paper of my non profit.  Although I already have my name, and have been accepting donations and giving them out... I have to go through the legal aspects.  And it hasn't gone as quickly as I thought.
My next post will be more of July, and I'll also be talking about all the incredible people who have helped me by making handmade blankets, gowns, hats etc... and donations for me to purchase things as well.

Here are the posts I have put so far... and I will do my best to keep up from now through the rest of the month on here as well.


July 1st:

It's July. World's greatest understatement to say its the hardest month of my life every year, to just breathe through. This year, I'm doing something a little different. 31 days of something good... Because even though July is difficult, it was for a short while... The best month of my life. So here it goes (and if anyone wants to add or join in, I'd love it). Oh... And I'll try not to be one of those annoying Facebook posters with this  bear with me...
Day 1. July is an amazing month because I am single, free and able to do whatever I want, whenever I want... That includes going to see Peyton in a couple of weeks. She is one of my "rocks" in this life.... I can't wait 

July 2nd:

July. Day 2
Today was so insanely busy at work, I just was able to post...
But here it goes:
I have 2 amazing pups who are always there for me, and always happy to see me when I get home. I got Macey, my Jack Russell 2 weeks after Kinsey passed away. And she has been my therapy dog ever since. Brooks my Weimaraner, I adopted from a friend in Dallas...and they are so attached to each other. And of course, I'll always miss my first Weim Gracie. She was the Perfect pup.

July 3rd:

July, Day 3.. Long day at work, and a lot of busy patients. 
Dinner after work with my friend Liza..... glad she persuaded me to meet her tonight, and very glad to be off work tomorrow  
Thankful to work with a such an awesome dedicated group of people... some of who (Frannie) are still working hard right this minute in the OR.
These days around the 4th remind me so much of Grayson. With his birthday just around the corner....I remember very well what I was doing 4 years ago.
So I am going to try and have some good memories tomorrow with friends and family. And maybe a little watermelon 
Remember this picture Gayden?

July 4th:

July 4th, 2013. Spent the day with no specific plans... And was exactly what I wanted. BBQ ribs on the smoker with Jack. Spent a little time over a Gayden's for a short while, then bought a pool for my pups... And had a blast outside with Macey in the water. Oh... And got to drive a white jeep tonight! Now I want one even more. Now listening to the rest of the fireworks going off outside. But these two are NOT happy about it. And ready for it to end. Happy 4th everyone 
And thank you to all who have and still do fight to keep us free and proud Americans. 
Godspeed. 

July 5th & 6th:

July 5 & morning of July 6.....Late post for yesterday, and this morning. Another long day at the hospital on Friday, but it ended great. Was invited to crash Gayden and Camille's camping part of their kayak trip. And wound up spending the night in the tent. Who knew LeFleurs Bluff State Park could be such an escape  Dinner and breakfast outside, meeting a duck named "Randy", and sleeping to the sound of crickets etc... Very needed relaxing night. Thanks G and C. 

July 6th, night:

July 6th... Spent the last part of the night watching some of the UFC fights with friends. Got to see Tanner, and got to play and hold big boy Sawyer tonight... 
Now exhausted.... And less than an hour and a half until Grayson's birthday. Big day for me tomorrow. Goodnight and Godspeed. 

July 7th:

July 7th... At 12:08pm, 4 years ago Grayson Thomas was born. Nothing in my life has been the same since. I never really know how to be on his birthday. I do have good memories, but they give way to sadness and just missing him. More than I could ever even attempt to explain.
Today I went to church and heard an amazing acoustic musical set. Then went to Brookhaven to my church, and took flowers, a new red monkey etc for Gray's birthday. Also went ahead and took some Ladybugs 
I tried my best to stay busy and mobile. Now I am exhausted from the day and the grief, and wish I had more of him than just memories here with me. Faith of being with him (and her) again, and meeting Christ is truly one of the main things that keeps me going. I know as well as anyone, that we are Not made for this world..... There is more than this.
Visited with my parents, Grandparents and Aunt... I know they miss him too, and hope they understand why I had to keep moving. Spent the end of the night with Jack, Gayden and her crew. It was windy, and started raining...but we managed to get one Lantern airborne 
Thank you all so much for your words today. They truly mean more than you all know. I'm blessed to have you all care for me and my children. Hope you forgive the long post. Love you all..... Godspeed.

July 8th:

July 8th... another pretty busy Monday at work. Counting down the days until my 2 week vacation. Exhausted today, didn't sleep great last night... And just was wiped out physically and emotionally. Thank God that I work with such an awesome group of friends that help me through my day. Last thing tonight was to release the rest of the ladybugs. I released half in Gayden's garden. (Which is pretty awesome by the way) And the other half at my house in my tomato plants and mint. Took a pic, but it didn't save... So here's another one of the release yesterday. 4 years ago today, was my first night at home with Gray...

July 9th:

July 9... Crazy day. Between issues with our own service, I wound up helping a kid in the elevator who was going home from outpatient surgery, then assisting with an adult who passed out in the ICU waiting room as I was walking through to go to the parking lot. Odd 
I did make time to deliver a package to some newborn babies. Thank you to the talented ladies who handmade these. 

July 10th & 11th:

July 10-11...
Work. Work. And Baseball. 2 fairly busy days, ending with a MS Braves baseball game in the Suite with Jack and James. I have no doubt that Gray and Kinsey would have Loved Baseball.....
(and softball 

July 12th:

July 12th..... 4 years ago today I was forced to physically say goodbye and let go of my
little man. Every year in my mind, I relive those 5 days with him. As hard as it is, and as physically separated from him as I feel at times, it wasn't really goodbye. He is here with me every day in many things I see and do. I can't wait to hold him again someday.
Godspeed.