Reality Loves Company

I've not posted anything in such a long time... Just haven't been very good at it.  Of course this week has been full of many different emotions for me. One of the busiest work weeks we've seen in some time... and its not slowing down.  I had no time to do anything but just be a nurse this week... and it probably was a good thing, because it kept me busy and focused on others. 

And now tomorrow is Mother's Day... such a commercialized holiday, yet you just can't get away from it, can you?

Not that I want to altogether.... it's just difficult and emotional.   

I can tell you that I have an amazing Mother, who deserves this day.  So I will drive to see her, and my family. Then of course, go out to the church to leave flowers and spend some time outside with my two babies.  

I've read so many different posts this week, from several different people and sites.  SO many different opinions, and ways of dealing with grief.  I've learned one thing... none of it is wrong. Everyone has their own way of coping, dealing with their emotions.... and we all just do what we can. 

I think back to my first "Mother's Day"... I was pregnant with Kinsey, and due in August.   I had no idea what was about to happen.  She would be 5 years old right now.  I wonder every day what she would look like, how she would act... about how her personality would be.  I saw a little girl earlier this month at the hospital, that I think she would have looked a lot like.  That set me back a few hours. Sometimes I see little redheaded girls, and it just takes my breath away.  Hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it.  And of course any pictures I see of myself as a child, I see her :)  I know she was going to look just like me. 

My second Mother's Day, I was pregnant with Gray (he would be 4 now)... and still grieving Kinsey.  He was my help then though, he kept me strong.  Even though I already knew his diagnosis of T18, I know he kept me moving and motivated.... focused on bringing him home. The thing I wasn't able to get to do with his sister. 

And I brought him home... still the best 5 days of my life.  He was such a strong and perfect boy to me. 

So now its my 6th Mother's Day as a Mother, without my children here with me.  I still don't really know exactly how I'll be... but, it will happen... ready or not. 

The last few months I have learned many things about myself, others and Christ. Some things have been good, some not so good... but that's life. 

I've endured chronic pain, and then had surgery to help correct it. Cervical surgery on my C 5-6, 6-7... quite a little scary when you think about it.  That in itself was quite a challenge and it's taken some time to fully recover.  Physically and mentally... but was the right decision, and I am so much better for it.  

I have also met some amazing women who I am so proud to now call friends. They have helped and made more of a difference in my life than they realize I'm sure.  I would never wish what I have lived through on anyone... but that is the very way I have come to know these new friends.  It does help to talk to another who understands and feels the same feelings.  I know that sometimes I say things that I am sure can make others either think I'm losing it... or that I just sound crazy.  It's a "comfort" that's unexplainable to know that you aren't the only one with those thoughts and feelings.  Makes me feel not so alone sometimes. 

One of those friends and I (Lauren Bowie, who lost her son Wills to T18) were having lunch a few weeks ago, and the saying "misery loves company" came up.  I liked her spin to it a lot better.  She said "reality loves company", and it's so true!  I have found so much comfort in others recently... those who can relate.  I seriously hate for them, that they CAN relate to me.... but I thank God for them at the same time.  

It's tough seeing all the commercials, all the Facebook posts etc.. about Mother's Day of everyone's children... But tomorrow, I will just do what I can.  I can put too much pressure on myself sometimes, and other times not do enough.  Tomorrow I'm just going to pray for God to see me through the day with the best emotions and feelings that I can have.  I will pray to have a good visit with my Mother... and then some personal time with my two. 

The best part of the last few months is how tangible Christ, God, the Holy Spirit and Heaven have become to me.  Stealing words from Lauren again.... I am starving to hear and learn more.  My children are there, and I can't wait to see it with them. 

I have watched The Bible mini series so many times I can't count, and reading }Heaven is for Real" was very very moving and made a huge impact in my life, mind and soul (and on a side note... the book blows the movie out of the water).

I praise God that I KNOW where my children are.  And no matter how sad, depressed, and difficult being here without them is and will be... I have no doubt that I will get to be with them again.  I honestly can't wait.  

I see so many things at work, with children at the hospital... there are many things worse than death.  I hope that in some way, when I talk to families who are getting ready to bring their child to the hospital, or watch them go into surgery... they can feel the compassion I feel for them, because I know and remember too well being on their side of things.  It's different situations, but I do feel for every one of them. 

One thing that I have noticed in my blog posts... is the positive feel of them at times. Let me assure you, that its not always positive. The people, family and friends closest to me can vouch for that.  I have moments of depression, hurt, sadness, anxiety, and pain that runs so deep I can feel it in my bones.  It's something I could never explain. But the ONLY reason I can have any positive thoughts, is because of Christ.  I have learned some extremely hard lessons over the years... you can't always "fix" things, people will leave, you won't always be able to trust others, and you can't put your heart fully into anyone but Christ.  He is the reason we live with hope.  The reason I can, at the end of a night that has been awful... still have a reason to know that when all of this is over - is because Christ has already paid the price for us.  And we didn't deserve it, but He still did it.  

" This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time" (2 Tim 1:9)

I have plans to keep growing my little nonprofit... it's slow but steady, but it will be more and more over time. I will have more to post soon regarding "Grayce was Given".

 

I also have plans on starting a Bible study/support group/'reality loves company' group.  I'm thinking that the first time will be at my house, and I plan on getting it together soon. I know a few others that will be a part of it, and I have some others to ask.  

Let me say here, that if you or someone you know has a baby or child in Heaven... please contact me. I would love to have you be a part of a group of Moms who will come together to just talk, share and be around others who understand all the thoughts and feelings.... and who are all fighting their own daily battles to survive this wicked place we call the world. There will be no judgement here, only reality. 

It's taken me time to realize, we aren't made to do this alone.  

To all my family and friends and co-workers who put up with all of my moody craziness... Thank you. I love and appreciate you more than you know.  

To all of the Mothers who will grieve with me tomorrow.... my heart and prayers go out to you.  To those grieving the loss of your own Mothers... love and prayers for you as well.  

Godspeed. 

Grayce was Given

July 31st.  The last day in July, 2013.  

It was a big day for me.... not many of my friends or family were even aware.  I wanted to wait until it was all wrapped up and official before I blogged or posted anything on Facebook.

Today, I officially applied for nonprofit status.  And I did it in July.
I have been giving out blankets, clothes etc.. for a few months already. Now I have a name, a mission statement and will be adding more things in the future.  A website and board of directors to name a few. Many more things to do... but it's a start. I also will be working on the ability for donations to be tax deductible.

I want to thank those who have given or donated so far, to help me with my "calling".

My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... they have all given and continue to give. Donations of money for me to purchase things, and also ladies making blankets, quilts, hats and gowns.  The generosity has been amazing, and I am so blessed to have people like this around me who want to help people. I want to name a few non family members, and I hope I didn't forget anyone.  If I did, please let me know... because I want to make sure I thank everyone personally on the blog.

Anna & Brady Holder
Mrs. Wanda Watts (making beautiful blankets, clothes & hats for the first time in her life)
Lisa Crosby
Mrs. Orie Walker (making sweet little hats)
Andrea Conrad
Martha Walker and The Women's group of the Brookhaven, MS Church of Jesus Christ of      the Latter-Day Saints (made handmade blankets & quilts, and sweet little white gowns)
Nicole & Sean Burke

For quite some time,  I didn't have any idea of what to use as a name.  I was off work one random day, and looked at one of my Bible apps on my phone.

The verse was 2 Timothy 1:9

"He has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace.  This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time"

I knew that was it, the minute I read it.  Then I changed the spelling of grace to incorporate the names of my daughter and son....
This is a new and unknown realm for me to walk into, but I trust Him... and am ready for whatever He wants me to do.

July 2013, I survived.  Love to all of you who helped me, because I couldn't have without Him and all of you.

Godspeed.

An Appropriate Day. The Appropriate Month.

July.  Its the best and the worst month of my life every year.  This year I decided I would try a different approach.
Last year was very difficult... and I told myself I couldn't do things the same this year.  It was just too much.
So.....  I have been posting on Facebook every day this month.  I'm sure I'm making some of my friends crazy, but they haven't seemed to mind so far.  The posts have felt more like blog posts than Facebook some days.
I told myself I was going to start doing the same on here... but just haven't been able to keep up.  With work, life etc...  I hasn't worked out.

I thought today was an appropriate day to finally start on here.

 4 years ago tonight, I lost Grayson.  It was July 12th, around 8:30 pm.  It was awful.
But the 5 days prior, were the best of my life.  I got to be his Mother.
One thing I am hoping to also make happen this month, is the official "start" on paper of my non profit.  Although I already have my name, and have been accepting donations and giving them out... I have to go through the legal aspects.  And it hasn't gone as quickly as I thought.
My next post will be more of July, and I'll also be talking about all the incredible people who have helped me by making handmade blankets, gowns, hats etc... and donations for me to purchase things as well.

Here are the posts I have put so far... and I will do my best to keep up from now through the rest of the month on here as well.


July 1st:

It's July. World's greatest understatement to say its the hardest month of my life every year, to just breathe through. This year, I'm doing something a little different. 31 days of something good... Because even though July is difficult, it was for a short while... The best month of my life. So here it goes (and if anyone wants to add or join in, I'd love it). Oh... And I'll try not to be one of those annoying Facebook posters with this  bear with me...
Day 1. July is an amazing month because I am single, free and able to do whatever I want, whenever I want... That includes going to see Peyton in a couple of weeks. She is one of my "rocks" in this life.... I can't wait 

July 2nd:

July. Day 2
Today was so insanely busy at work, I just was able to post...
But here it goes:
I have 2 amazing pups who are always there for me, and always happy to see me when I get home. I got Macey, my Jack Russell 2 weeks after Kinsey passed away. And she has been my therapy dog ever since. Brooks my Weimaraner, I adopted from a friend in Dallas...and they are so attached to each other. And of course, I'll always miss my first Weim Gracie. She was the Perfect pup.

July 3rd:

July, Day 3.. Long day at work, and a lot of busy patients. 
Dinner after work with my friend Liza..... glad she persuaded me to meet her tonight, and very glad to be off work tomorrow  
Thankful to work with a such an awesome dedicated group of people... some of who (Frannie) are still working hard right this minute in the OR.
These days around the 4th remind me so much of Grayson. With his birthday just around the corner....I remember very well what I was doing 4 years ago.
So I am going to try and have some good memories tomorrow with friends and family. And maybe a little watermelon 
Remember this picture Gayden?

July 4th:

July 4th, 2013. Spent the day with no specific plans... And was exactly what I wanted. BBQ ribs on the smoker with Jack. Spent a little time over a Gayden's for a short while, then bought a pool for my pups... And had a blast outside with Macey in the water. Oh... And got to drive a white jeep tonight! Now I want one even more. Now listening to the rest of the fireworks going off outside. But these two are NOT happy about it. And ready for it to end. Happy 4th everyone 
And thank you to all who have and still do fight to keep us free and proud Americans. 
Godspeed. 

July 5th & 6th:

July 5 & morning of July 6.....Late post for yesterday, and this morning. Another long day at the hospital on Friday, but it ended great. Was invited to crash Gayden and Camille's camping part of their kayak trip. And wound up spending the night in the tent. Who knew LeFleurs Bluff State Park could be such an escape  Dinner and breakfast outside, meeting a duck named "Randy", and sleeping to the sound of crickets etc... Very needed relaxing night. Thanks G and C. 

July 6th, night:

July 6th... Spent the last part of the night watching some of the UFC fights with friends. Got to see Tanner, and got to play and hold big boy Sawyer tonight... 
Now exhausted.... And less than an hour and a half until Grayson's birthday. Big day for me tomorrow. Goodnight and Godspeed. 

July 7th:

July 7th... At 12:08pm, 4 years ago Grayson Thomas was born. Nothing in my life has been the same since. I never really know how to be on his birthday. I do have good memories, but they give way to sadness and just missing him. More than I could ever even attempt to explain.
Today I went to church and heard an amazing acoustic musical set. Then went to Brookhaven to my church, and took flowers, a new red monkey etc for Gray's birthday. Also went ahead and took some Ladybugs 
I tried my best to stay busy and mobile. Now I am exhausted from the day and the grief, and wish I had more of him than just memories here with me. Faith of being with him (and her) again, and meeting Christ is truly one of the main things that keeps me going. I know as well as anyone, that we are Not made for this world..... There is more than this.
Visited with my parents, Grandparents and Aunt... I know they miss him too, and hope they understand why I had to keep moving. Spent the end of the night with Jack, Gayden and her crew. It was windy, and started raining...but we managed to get one Lantern airborne 
Thank you all so much for your words today. They truly mean more than you all know. I'm blessed to have you all care for me and my children. Hope you forgive the long post. Love you all..... Godspeed.

July 8th:

July 8th... another pretty busy Monday at work. Counting down the days until my 2 week vacation. Exhausted today, didn't sleep great last night... And just was wiped out physically and emotionally. Thank God that I work with such an awesome group of friends that help me through my day. Last thing tonight was to release the rest of the ladybugs. I released half in Gayden's garden. (Which is pretty awesome by the way) And the other half at my house in my tomato plants and mint. Took a pic, but it didn't save... So here's another one of the release yesterday. 4 years ago today, was my first night at home with Gray...

July 9th:

July 9... Crazy day. Between issues with our own service, I wound up helping a kid in the elevator who was going home from outpatient surgery, then assisting with an adult who passed out in the ICU waiting room as I was walking through to go to the parking lot. Odd 
I did make time to deliver a package to some newborn babies. Thank you to the talented ladies who handmade these. 

July 10th & 11th:

July 10-11...
Work. Work. And Baseball. 2 fairly busy days, ending with a MS Braves baseball game in the Suite with Jack and James. I have no doubt that Gray and Kinsey would have Loved Baseball.....
(and softball 

July 12th:

July 12th..... 4 years ago today I was forced to physically say goodbye and let go of my
little man. Every year in my mind, I relive those 5 days with him. As hard as it is, and as physically separated from him as I feel at times, it wasn't really goodbye. He is here with me every day in many things I see and do. I can't wait to hold him again someday.
Godspeed.

Wipe Out

This was so perfect for me to read this morning.  

From a Face book post by "Silent Grief - Child Loss Support".  Definitely explains my feelings of complete wipe out today.  

'Following a major holiday such as Mother's Day, a parent of child loss will often feel like there is no energy to even get dressed much less navigate through the day. Doctors will tell us that one day of grieving takes the same amount of energy as it would to work for 8 solid hours in a field with a pick and shovel in the blazing, hot sun. Grief depletes us of our physical and emotional energy, that's why it's so very important to rest and drink lots of fluids following a day of hard grieving. God bless every parent, grandparent, sibling, and family member grieving the loss of a child today. Please take care and try to understand how much stress your body and mind go through when grieving the loss of your child. Nothing at all is easy about child loss!'

For all of you like me today, feeling the wipe out... you aren't alone. 

I go at 1:00 for my procedure... not the best day for it to happen, but just ready to get it over with.  Maybe I'll be so exhausted from yesterday... that it won't be so bad! :)

Godspeed to all of you today feeling like you have worked 8 hours with a pick and shovel.

I plan on hitting today head on..... 

KT

A Humbling Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day.  A "made up holiday" as my Daddy would say :) .... but it still has meaning.  
Every year, I have to admit that I subconsciously can feel it getting closer.  Its difficult, to say the least. I didn't go to church this morning... still am not able to go on Mother's Day, too emotionally draining.  

This year I was awakened by text messages starting at 0730.  From family and friends who were just too sweet to think of me today.  It was pretty humbling. I do hope that all my friends who are mothers, had an incredible day today. 

Also had a gift from my best friend Gayden, of my fav... chocolate covered strawberries... and a couple of brooches (James, I know you will love that:) that her daughter helped pick out. Not to mention a handwritten card that made me cry ;)

I am so happy that my own Mother is in New Orleans for the weekend.  Enjoying a getaway with my Daddy and another couple they have been friends with since they were kids.  I was very glad she was doing something she enjoyed.  
I went to Brookhaven to visit my grandparents for a little while, and also my Aunt and Uncle.  Was a good visit, and enjoyed seeing them all.  Macey (my Jack Russell) made the trip with me today.... which was a little therapeutic. 

I went to the church cemetery, which of course was main part of my visit.  The weather was perfect.  I took tulips and just sat outside and soaked in the peacefulness.  It was a very bittersweet day.  I can't even attempt to put into words how much I miss them.  How much I miss the present and future with them... its just too overwhelming to attempt to describe.

I do want to ask for a prayer tomorrow... for a small procedure I have to do at 1:00.  Just prayers for good results would be appreciated.  I know the prayers of God's people can have amazing results... if it is God's will. 

I do hope that all of you had a wonderful Mother's Day doing exactly what you wanted to do, and that you were able to see and hug and love on your children.  Enjoy every second of it... never take one minute of it for granted. 
Thank you all again so much for remembering me as a Mother... I literally feel them with me all the time.

Godspeed, 
Kristi