Feeling Christmas

December came what seemed to be quickly this year.  Didn't feel at all like it was time, but not feeling it doesn't make it so.  Thanksgiving was good for us...with most of my family together, too much food and just relaxing.  However Christmas (although it shouldn't) seems to bring more pressure.  Christmas to me has always been such a happy magical time for children and adults.  Always my favorite holiday time of the year.  I will admit that after losing two babies, my feelings had changed somewhat.  It brings thoughts of not having my babies here to watch open presents or take pictures with Santa Claus, and I have always had a sadness I couldn't shake during Christmas since they passed. A longing of things I miss.

This year Christmas started out a little like the rest... and then it changed.  

The weekend after Thanksgiving, I forced myself out of the house to go look for a tree. Found a nice one, brought it home and set it up.  Then it sat there undecorated all day and all Saturday night.  
I have been listening to a lot of past sermons on the Pinelake Church app lately, and had listened to some that day I bought the tree.  Then that Saturday night, it seemed like there were several Bible TV shows on...and I watched most of them. I woke up Sunday, with church and then lunch.. then decided I needed to just decorate my tree etc...  I thought of what I could watch or listen to while decorating.   So I turned on my Netflix and went to The Bible miniseries, to the story of Jesus' birth.  

That's when everything changed. 

The more I watched the show, the more my heart softened.  I watched His birth, and cried.  The more I watched the story of Jesus, the more I remembered why I was REALLY decorating.  Not for anyone to come see my tree (because I'm the only one who has), not for "because it's just what I'm supposed to do"... but because I am CELEBRATING.  
     The reason I decorated my tree and my house this year was for one reason only. Not lights or presents or obligation or Christmas parties, but  JESUS. The birth of our Christ. 
My attitude changed.  My outlook changed. My heart softened, and tears fell.  That is when I looked at decorating my tree and house differently. Christ is the REASON.  Christ IS Christmas. There IS no other reason. So I decorated happily for Christ.
     I can't think of a better reason to decorate.  My babies may not be here with me, sitting on Santa's lap and I will never be able to buy them presents and see their faces on Christmas morning. 
BUT, my two babies are seeing much more than I can even wrap my human mind around. They will "wake up" on Christmas morning with HIM!  I can't imagine the celebrations they will witness in Heaven.  
     I can say one thing for certain in my life... a parents biggest goal and wish in this world is for their children to be saved.  For them to acknowledge Christ as their Savior.  I may not be everything I should be, and I struggle with loneliness still ...with loss...with depression at times... BUT there is one thing I have accomplished. My children are with Christ.  I don't know of a better accomplishment for my life.  Yes, I still wish they were here with me.  I always will, and will always long for them until the day I pass away.  But I am blessed that my children have touched more people than I ever imagined through their short lives... I am blessed that through Christ I WILL see and hold them again...and I am blessed to know the love that a mother has for her children, that same love that Mary had for Jesus. THAT is another reason worth celebrating.
     
I have studied more, I have read more, I have read the Advent readings this year for the first time in my life.  I have Celebrated.  For the REAL reason of Christmas.  Jesus Christ.  
This year has been filled with struggles in several different ways for me, but I pray that I can continue to keep my mind and heart focused on above.  Focused on the only reason for life, the reason for our short lives here on earth... to get to Heaven and to tell others about Christ. 
I pray that 2015 can be a continuation of this Christmas celebration all year.  There are things coming in this next year that are amazing things to look forward to, a new life... a new start for some... a new way to look to help others...a new perspective and dedication to Christ.  I am more than humbled that God cared enough about me to give His only Son... in knowing the loss of a child, I have thought much about the hurt that He experienced watching His Son's human body give up life.  
Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
We aren't worthy, but we are so so blessed.  Lord help us to focus on things above and feel the Christmas Spirit all year long.  It's what our life is all about. 

1 John 5:10
"And this is the testimony, God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son"

Merry Christmas,
Godspeed. 

Return to Zero

Tonight there will be a movie on Lifetime.... many won't watch because of of the subject, and how hard it is to really process it. I will be watching... and it will be difficult. But to show my support for this film, and the reality of what it is speaking about, I will watch. I want to encourage all of you, no matter your situation to watch, or record to watch later. I can't speak of everything that will happen in the film, as I haven't seen it yet... but I can only hope that it will portray a piece of what us as Mother's who have lost children, go through.

http://vimeo.com/94229672


Here is a note written by Kiley Krekorian Hanish (portrayed by Minnie Driver in the film Return to Zero.)

"Almost nine years ago, our son, Norbert, died before he was born. Because we live in a society that doesn’t know how to deal with death, people in our life didn’t know what to say to us – so they said nothing. Most people avoided talking about his death, and we thought we were going crazy. As a result, we went into a cave, and isolated ourselves from the world and each other.

Healing is like a flower blossom opening, and each petal will open up at the moment it’s ready. You can’t force healing, and it took us many years before we were ready to engage in the healing process on this level. The making of Return to Zero has given us permission to share our story. By connecting with others, we feel like our hearts are little fuller and we are not so alone.

Making this movie has been extremely healing because it's allowed us to share our story, not be ashamed of what happened, and connect with other people that have also been through it."

So please help us spread the word and watch Return To Zero at 7 pm CST tonight on Lifetime.

Reality Loves Company

I've not posted anything in such a long time... Just haven't been very good at it.  Of course this week has been full of many different emotions for me. One of the busiest work weeks we've seen in some time... and its not slowing down.  I had no time to do anything but just be a nurse this week... and it probably was a good thing, because it kept me busy and focused on others. 

And now tomorrow is Mother's Day... such a commercialized holiday, yet you just can't get away from it, can you?

Not that I want to altogether.... it's just difficult and emotional.   

I can tell you that I have an amazing Mother, who deserves this day.  So I will drive to see her, and my family. Then of course, go out to the church to leave flowers and spend some time outside with my two babies.  

I've read so many different posts this week, from several different people and sites.  SO many different opinions, and ways of dealing with grief.  I've learned one thing... none of it is wrong. Everyone has their own way of coping, dealing with their emotions.... and we all just do what we can. 

I think back to my first "Mother's Day"... I was pregnant with Kinsey, and due in August.   I had no idea what was about to happen.  She would be 5 years old right now.  I wonder every day what she would look like, how she would act... about how her personality would be.  I saw a little girl earlier this month at the hospital, that I think she would have looked a lot like.  That set me back a few hours. Sometimes I see little redheaded girls, and it just takes my breath away.  Hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it.  And of course any pictures I see of myself as a child, I see her :)  I know she was going to look just like me. 

My second Mother's Day, I was pregnant with Gray (he would be 4 now)... and still grieving Kinsey.  He was my help then though, he kept me strong.  Even though I already knew his diagnosis of T18, I know he kept me moving and motivated.... focused on bringing him home. The thing I wasn't able to get to do with his sister. 

And I brought him home... still the best 5 days of my life.  He was such a strong and perfect boy to me. 

So now its my 6th Mother's Day as a Mother, without my children here with me.  I still don't really know exactly how I'll be... but, it will happen... ready or not. 

The last few months I have learned many things about myself, others and Christ. Some things have been good, some not so good... but that's life. 

I've endured chronic pain, and then had surgery to help correct it. Cervical surgery on my C 5-6, 6-7... quite a little scary when you think about it.  That in itself was quite a challenge and it's taken some time to fully recover.  Physically and mentally... but was the right decision, and I am so much better for it.  

I have also met some amazing women who I am so proud to now call friends. They have helped and made more of a difference in my life than they realize I'm sure.  I would never wish what I have lived through on anyone... but that is the very way I have come to know these new friends.  It does help to talk to another who understands and feels the same feelings.  I know that sometimes I say things that I am sure can make others either think I'm losing it... or that I just sound crazy.  It's a "comfort" that's unexplainable to know that you aren't the only one with those thoughts and feelings.  Makes me feel not so alone sometimes. 

One of those friends and I (Lauren Bowie, who lost her son Wills to T18) were having lunch a few weeks ago, and the saying "misery loves company" came up.  I liked her spin to it a lot better.  She said "reality loves company", and it's so true!  I have found so much comfort in others recently... those who can relate.  I seriously hate for them, that they CAN relate to me.... but I thank God for them at the same time.  

It's tough seeing all the commercials, all the Facebook posts etc.. about Mother's Day of everyone's children... But tomorrow, I will just do what I can.  I can put too much pressure on myself sometimes, and other times not do enough.  Tomorrow I'm just going to pray for God to see me through the day with the best emotions and feelings that I can have.  I will pray to have a good visit with my Mother... and then some personal time with my two. 

The best part of the last few months is how tangible Christ, God, the Holy Spirit and Heaven have become to me.  Stealing words from Lauren again.... I am starving to hear and learn more.  My children are there, and I can't wait to see it with them. 

I have watched The Bible mini series so many times I can't count, and reading }Heaven is for Real" was very very moving and made a huge impact in my life, mind and soul (and on a side note... the book blows the movie out of the water).

I praise God that I KNOW where my children are.  And no matter how sad, depressed, and difficult being here without them is and will be... I have no doubt that I will get to be with them again.  I honestly can't wait.  

I see so many things at work, with children at the hospital... there are many things worse than death.  I hope that in some way, when I talk to families who are getting ready to bring their child to the hospital, or watch them go into surgery... they can feel the compassion I feel for them, because I know and remember too well being on their side of things.  It's different situations, but I do feel for every one of them. 

One thing that I have noticed in my blog posts... is the positive feel of them at times. Let me assure you, that its not always positive. The people, family and friends closest to me can vouch for that.  I have moments of depression, hurt, sadness, anxiety, and pain that runs so deep I can feel it in my bones.  It's something I could never explain. But the ONLY reason I can have any positive thoughts, is because of Christ.  I have learned some extremely hard lessons over the years... you can't always "fix" things, people will leave, you won't always be able to trust others, and you can't put your heart fully into anyone but Christ.  He is the reason we live with hope.  The reason I can, at the end of a night that has been awful... still have a reason to know that when all of this is over - is because Christ has already paid the price for us.  And we didn't deserve it, but He still did it.  

" This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time" (2 Tim 1:9)

I have plans to keep growing my little nonprofit... it's slow but steady, but it will be more and more over time. I will have more to post soon regarding "Grayce was Given".

 

I also have plans on starting a Bible study/support group/'reality loves company' group.  I'm thinking that the first time will be at my house, and I plan on getting it together soon. I know a few others that will be a part of it, and I have some others to ask.  

Let me say here, that if you or someone you know has a baby or child in Heaven... please contact me. I would love to have you be a part of a group of Moms who will come together to just talk, share and be around others who understand all the thoughts and feelings.... and who are all fighting their own daily battles to survive this wicked place we call the world. There will be no judgement here, only reality. 

It's taken me time to realize, we aren't made to do this alone.  

To all my family and friends and co-workers who put up with all of my moody craziness... Thank you. I love and appreciate you more than you know.  

To all of the Mothers who will grieve with me tomorrow.... my heart and prayers go out to you.  To those grieving the loss of your own Mothers... love and prayers for you as well.  

Godspeed. 

Grayce was Given

July 31st.  The last day in July, 2013.  

It was a big day for me.... not many of my friends or family were even aware.  I wanted to wait until it was all wrapped up and official before I blogged or posted anything on Facebook.

Today, I officially applied for nonprofit status.  And I did it in July.
I have been giving out blankets, clothes etc.. for a few months already. Now I have a name, a mission statement and will be adding more things in the future.  A website and board of directors to name a few. Many more things to do... but it's a start. I also will be working on the ability for donations to be tax deductible.

I want to thank those who have given or donated so far, to help me with my "calling".

My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... they have all given and continue to give. Donations of money for me to purchase things, and also ladies making blankets, quilts, hats and gowns.  The generosity has been amazing, and I am so blessed to have people like this around me who want to help people. I want to name a few non family members, and I hope I didn't forget anyone.  If I did, please let me know... because I want to make sure I thank everyone personally on the blog.

Anna & Brady Holder
Mrs. Wanda Watts (making beautiful blankets, clothes & hats for the first time in her life)
Lisa Crosby
Mrs. Orie Walker (making sweet little hats)
Andrea Conrad
Martha Walker and The Women's group of the Brookhaven, MS Church of Jesus Christ of      the Latter-Day Saints (made handmade blankets & quilts, and sweet little white gowns)
Nicole & Sean Burke

For quite some time,  I didn't have any idea of what to use as a name.  I was off work one random day, and looked at one of my Bible apps on my phone.

The verse was 2 Timothy 1:9

"He has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace.  This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time"

I knew that was it, the minute I read it.  Then I changed the spelling of grace to incorporate the names of my daughter and son....
This is a new and unknown realm for me to walk into, but I trust Him... and am ready for whatever He wants me to do.

July 2013, I survived.  Love to all of you who helped me, because I couldn't have without Him and all of you.

Godspeed.

An Appropriate Day. The Appropriate Month.

July.  Its the best and the worst month of my life every year.  This year I decided I would try a different approach.
Last year was very difficult... and I told myself I couldn't do things the same this year.  It was just too much.
So.....  I have been posting on Facebook every day this month.  I'm sure I'm making some of my friends crazy, but they haven't seemed to mind so far.  The posts have felt more like blog posts than Facebook some days.
I told myself I was going to start doing the same on here... but just haven't been able to keep up.  With work, life etc...  I hasn't worked out.

I thought today was an appropriate day to finally start on here.

 4 years ago tonight, I lost Grayson.  It was July 12th, around 8:30 pm.  It was awful.
But the 5 days prior, were the best of my life.  I got to be his Mother.
One thing I am hoping to also make happen this month, is the official "start" on paper of my non profit.  Although I already have my name, and have been accepting donations and giving them out... I have to go through the legal aspects.  And it hasn't gone as quickly as I thought.
My next post will be more of July, and I'll also be talking about all the incredible people who have helped me by making handmade blankets, gowns, hats etc... and donations for me to purchase things as well.

Here are the posts I have put so far... and I will do my best to keep up from now through the rest of the month on here as well.


July 1st:

It's July. World's greatest understatement to say its the hardest month of my life every year, to just breathe through. This year, I'm doing something a little different. 31 days of something good... Because even though July is difficult, it was for a short while... The best month of my life. So here it goes (and if anyone wants to add or join in, I'd love it). Oh... And I'll try not to be one of those annoying Facebook posters with this  bear with me...
Day 1. July is an amazing month because I am single, free and able to do whatever I want, whenever I want... That includes going to see Peyton in a couple of weeks. She is one of my "rocks" in this life.... I can't wait 

July 2nd:

July. Day 2
Today was so insanely busy at work, I just was able to post...
But here it goes:
I have 2 amazing pups who are always there for me, and always happy to see me when I get home. I got Macey, my Jack Russell 2 weeks after Kinsey passed away. And she has been my therapy dog ever since. Brooks my Weimaraner, I adopted from a friend in Dallas...and they are so attached to each other. And of course, I'll always miss my first Weim Gracie. She was the Perfect pup.

July 3rd:

July, Day 3.. Long day at work, and a lot of busy patients. 
Dinner after work with my friend Liza..... glad she persuaded me to meet her tonight, and very glad to be off work tomorrow  
Thankful to work with a such an awesome dedicated group of people... some of who (Frannie) are still working hard right this minute in the OR.
These days around the 4th remind me so much of Grayson. With his birthday just around the corner....I remember very well what I was doing 4 years ago.
So I am going to try and have some good memories tomorrow with friends and family. And maybe a little watermelon 
Remember this picture Gayden?

July 4th:

July 4th, 2013. Spent the day with no specific plans... And was exactly what I wanted. BBQ ribs on the smoker with Jack. Spent a little time over a Gayden's for a short while, then bought a pool for my pups... And had a blast outside with Macey in the water. Oh... And got to drive a white jeep tonight! Now I want one even more. Now listening to the rest of the fireworks going off outside. But these two are NOT happy about it. And ready for it to end. Happy 4th everyone 
And thank you to all who have and still do fight to keep us free and proud Americans. 
Godspeed. 

July 5th & 6th:

July 5 & morning of July 6.....Late post for yesterday, and this morning. Another long day at the hospital on Friday, but it ended great. Was invited to crash Gayden and Camille's camping part of their kayak trip. And wound up spending the night in the tent. Who knew LeFleurs Bluff State Park could be such an escape  Dinner and breakfast outside, meeting a duck named "Randy", and sleeping to the sound of crickets etc... Very needed relaxing night. Thanks G and C. 

July 6th, night:

July 6th... Spent the last part of the night watching some of the UFC fights with friends. Got to see Tanner, and got to play and hold big boy Sawyer tonight... 
Now exhausted.... And less than an hour and a half until Grayson's birthday. Big day for me tomorrow. Goodnight and Godspeed. 

July 7th:

July 7th... At 12:08pm, 4 years ago Grayson Thomas was born. Nothing in my life has been the same since. I never really know how to be on his birthday. I do have good memories, but they give way to sadness and just missing him. More than I could ever even attempt to explain.
Today I went to church and heard an amazing acoustic musical set. Then went to Brookhaven to my church, and took flowers, a new red monkey etc for Gray's birthday. Also went ahead and took some Ladybugs 
I tried my best to stay busy and mobile. Now I am exhausted from the day and the grief, and wish I had more of him than just memories here with me. Faith of being with him (and her) again, and meeting Christ is truly one of the main things that keeps me going. I know as well as anyone, that we are Not made for this world..... There is more than this.
Visited with my parents, Grandparents and Aunt... I know they miss him too, and hope they understand why I had to keep moving. Spent the end of the night with Jack, Gayden and her crew. It was windy, and started raining...but we managed to get one Lantern airborne 
Thank you all so much for your words today. They truly mean more than you all know. I'm blessed to have you all care for me and my children. Hope you forgive the long post. Love you all..... Godspeed.

July 8th:

July 8th... another pretty busy Monday at work. Counting down the days until my 2 week vacation. Exhausted today, didn't sleep great last night... And just was wiped out physically and emotionally. Thank God that I work with such an awesome group of friends that help me through my day. Last thing tonight was to release the rest of the ladybugs. I released half in Gayden's garden. (Which is pretty awesome by the way) And the other half at my house in my tomato plants and mint. Took a pic, but it didn't save... So here's another one of the release yesterday. 4 years ago today, was my first night at home with Gray...

July 9th:

July 9... Crazy day. Between issues with our own service, I wound up helping a kid in the elevator who was going home from outpatient surgery, then assisting with an adult who passed out in the ICU waiting room as I was walking through to go to the parking lot. Odd 
I did make time to deliver a package to some newborn babies. Thank you to the talented ladies who handmade these. 

July 10th & 11th:

July 10-11...
Work. Work. And Baseball. 2 fairly busy days, ending with a MS Braves baseball game in the Suite with Jack and James. I have no doubt that Gray and Kinsey would have Loved Baseball.....
(and softball 

July 12th:

July 12th..... 4 years ago today I was forced to physically say goodbye and let go of my
little man. Every year in my mind, I relive those 5 days with him. As hard as it is, and as physically separated from him as I feel at times, it wasn't really goodbye. He is here with me every day in many things I see and do. I can't wait to hold him again someday.
Godspeed.