I sit here right now with many emotions flying through me........ Grace, sorrow, pain, gratitude, disappointment, joy, bittersweet, hurt, brokenness, humbleness, a longing for peace, and Faith .
It's Sunday morning, Mother's Day... not exactly where I want to be, but a good second choice. It's a morning for reflection and memories.
I told myself that I would be honest in my thoughts on here today, because if I really want to help someone else... someone who has lost their child and family, sugarcoating things just won't do.
I would rather be at Church this morning, but I couldn't. Because it's Mother's Day... I just didn't want to put myself in that position. If I could have sat in a room to the side, so that no one would have stared at the person who was falling apart it front of them.. maybe I would have. So I am having a "mini Church" here in my own bedroom. So far, so good.
I have had many emails lately, from people who followed or read my blog... just checking in on us. Saying they are thinking about me, and just wondering how I am. Thank you for that, and it is partly the reason I decided to post again. Another reason, is to reflect... and to maybe try and come full circle (if that's possible). It's not easy, and I have had some difficult times lately... but I have decided to go back and read my blog from the beginning. I never have gone back and read any of my previous posts, because it's like living it all over again. I do think that I have come to that time where I am ready to try.
I was honest and open with what I posted when I lost Kinsey, and also through Grayson's life and loss. I couldn't think of a better way to see who I was then, and who I am now. I remember searching through endless blogs after I lost Kinsey ... looking for anyone who had lost their baby, and lived through it. Then there was Grayson... I searched and read so many different blogs about Mothers with Trisomy 18 babies. Even with my professional background being a nurse in Pediatric Intensive Care, I wanted to just find someone who had been through what I was about to... and it helped. Not that it made it any easier, but I just felt that I wasn't crazy with some of the thoughts and emotions I was having... I wasn't alone. No matter how hard my friends and family tried to put themselves in my position, they just couldn't. I loved them all for trying, and I could not have survived and be where I am now without them. But I also just needed to be in contact with someone else that had "been there".
This is my way of "being there" for someone who may need it. I have come a long way from who and where I was. Not that I am "over" anything (I hate that term), I never will be....I know that very well now. You just learn to be a different person than you were before, call it survival if you will. I can say gladly, that I am now back working in Pediatrics... in a different way, but I'm there... and it is a good thing. I get to be a part in the healing of so many children, and see them go home and live happy lives.
Losing my children was a loss in many different aspects. I lost my children, lost my future with them, and my career. I left the PICU a few months after Kinsey, because it was just too hard. To be there around the babies all the time, and see all the things I have seen. I have fought alot of bitterness, and can't say truthfully that I still don't fight it. It's a constant struggle with all I witness in this life. Mothers who just don't care about their children, who won't take care of them... who allow them to be abused, or abuse them themselves with drugs etc... Yet, THEY can have a child and bring home a healthy baby. Yep, there it is.... bitterness. I still struggle, but I am human.
I have had many changes in my life since last years Mother's Day... not all of them good. I will not go into personal issues about Taylor and I, but for those of you who have read our blog and gotten to "know us"... I feel I should say that we are no longer together. I think I have to say that on here to keep with the honesty, however that is all I will say. We will always share creating the two most beautiful children I have ever seen.
I moved back to Mississippi, and have started a different life with an incredible job... old friends (who I had missed), and a few amazing new ones. Most everyone in my family is here as well.
Yesterday I went home to see my own Mother... and had lunch with family. Including my Grandmother, and my Aunt. Three incredibly strong women who have been Godly influences in my life. Then I went to the Church Cemetery... spent an hour alone in prayer and reflection on holy ground with my children. Took flowers and sat in the grass listening to music. It was beautiful outside, and peaceful.
Lord, they are truly Yours. I only had them but for a little while, and it was way too short. I have been told that I am strong, but I don't really feel like it. I really don't know how I am still able to wake up everyday and just live. I just do. Some days are worse than others. I still feel like I am missing something, and I am. You lose a part of yourself... and you don't get it back. I won't act on here like I have this great faith and am at peace because I know God. I would be lying... because I struggle. Alot. I am constantly searching.
I have feelings of anger, and I question why. How could I not? I try to tell myself, that there are things beyond my comprehension. There has to be a reason, right?
And if taking away the pain meant losing all the memories... I would chose to keep the pain, and the memories.
I do believe in God. And I know He has placed certain people in my life to help me through to where I am today.... and with recent clarity, that's how I see Christ's presence in my life right now. In my family that has been there every second. In my friends who have carried me when I couldn't carry myself, and in a surprise in the mailbox this morning. That is Christ in my life. These recent days I have struggled to see or hear Him... and asked for a sign. I got one, I just had to "open my eyes".
To know that is who my children are with... it is something I can not even attempt to put into words. I know they are perfect and safe, but don't think it doesn't make me miss them any less. I think about how old they would be, and what they would be doing. I think about it everyday. Kinsey would be almost 3 years old, and Grayson almost 2. Whenever I see children that age, I think about them.
I hope that I can make them proud when they look down on me. I will try not to feel sorry for myself (although sometimes I can't help it), and I will be proud that my children did more than I will ever be able to in this life. They ministered to so many. And if they make even one mother or father realize how much they have.... with healthy children, and a marriage that is still intact... Then I will thank God for that.
I do want to say Happy Mother's Day to my Mother, and to those I know who are Mothers.... I love you all.
There is no greater love than between a mother and child.....and no greater grief.
Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give and take away. I was blessed to have them live in me, and for what time I did get with them, even though it just wasn't long enough. Grant me the strength to live and honor You and them, however that may be.
Godspeed.
