December came what seemed to be quickly this year. Didn't feel at all like it was time, but not feeling it doesn't make it so. Thanksgiving was good for us...with most of my family together, too much food and just relaxing. However Christmas (although it shouldn't) seems to bring more pressure. Christmas to me has always been such a happy magical time for children and adults. Always my favorite holiday time of the year. I will admit that after losing two babies, my feelings had changed somewhat. It brings thoughts of not having my babies here to watch open presents or take pictures with Santa Claus, and I have always had a sadness I couldn't shake during Christmas since they passed. A longing of things I miss.
This year Christmas started out a little like the rest... and then it changed.
The weekend after Thanksgiving, I forced myself out of the house to go look for a tree. Found a nice one, brought it home and set it up. Then it sat there undecorated all day and all Saturday night.
I have been listening to a lot of past sermons on the Pinelake Church app lately, and had listened to some that day I bought the tree. Then that Saturday night, it seemed like there were several Bible TV shows on...and I watched most of them. I woke up Sunday, with church and then lunch.. then decided I needed to just decorate my tree etc... I thought of what I could watch or listen to while decorating. So I turned on my Netflix and went to The Bible miniseries, to the story of Jesus' birth.
That's when everything changed.
The more I watched the show, the more my heart softened. I watched His birth, and cried. The more I watched the story of Jesus, the more I remembered why I was REALLY decorating. Not for anyone to come see my tree (because I'm the only one who has), not for "because it's just what I'm supposed to do"... but because I am CELEBRATING.
The reason I decorated my tree and my house this year was for one reason only. Not lights or presents or obligation or Christmas parties, but JESUS. The birth of our Christ.
My attitude changed. My outlook changed. My heart softened, and tears fell. That is when I looked at decorating my tree and house differently. Christ is the REASON. Christ IS Christmas. There IS no other reason. So I decorated happily for Christ.
I can't think of a better reason to decorate. My babies may not be here with me, sitting on Santa's lap and I will never be able to buy them presents and see their faces on Christmas morning.
BUT, my two babies are seeing much more than I can even wrap my human mind around. They will "wake up" on Christmas morning with HIM! I can't imagine the celebrations they will witness in Heaven.
I can say one thing for certain in my life... a parents biggest goal and wish in this world is for their children to be saved. For them to acknowledge Christ as their Savior. I may not be everything I should be, and I struggle with loneliness still ...with loss...with depression at times... BUT there is one thing I have accomplished. My children are with Christ. I don't know of a better accomplishment for my life. Yes, I still wish they were here with me. I always will, and will always long for them until the day I pass away. But I am blessed that my children have touched more people than I ever imagined through their short lives... I am blessed that through Christ I WILL see and hold them again...and I am blessed to know the love that a mother has for her children, that same love that Mary had for Jesus. THAT is another reason worth celebrating.
I have studied more, I have read more, I have read the Advent readings this year for the first time in my life. I have Celebrated. For the REAL reason of Christmas. Jesus Christ.
This year has been filled with struggles in several different ways for me, but I pray that I can continue to keep my mind and heart focused on above. Focused on the only reason for life, the reason for our short lives here on earth... to get to Heaven and to tell others about Christ.
I pray that 2015 can be a continuation of this Christmas celebration all year. There are things coming in this next year that are amazing things to look forward to, a new life... a new start for some... a new way to look to help others...a new perspective and dedication to Christ. I am more than humbled that God cared enough about me to give His only Son... in knowing the loss of a child, I have thought much about the hurt that He experienced watching His Son's human body give up life.
Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
We aren't worthy, but we are so so blessed. Lord help us to focus on things above and feel the Christmas Spirit all year long. It's what our life is all about.
1 John 5:10
"And this is the testimony, God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son"
5 weeks ago