November

It's been too long since my last post... I have no excuses really, just have been trying to take things a day at a time and have been pretty poor at updating.

Sometimes it takes so much out of me to post something... I need to try to do better, so I will start that now. The last post I had was about Infant & Pregnancy Remembrance Day. I have a good story about that. I worked that day, and I usually don't get home from work until around 8pm. (Yuk, I know... but at least I'm off night shift). I got home and Taylor was already there and had lit 2 candles for us.

It got to be later in the night, and I was taking Macey out to potty before going to bed...and as I walked out of the front door to take her out, I saw 2 candles. They were lit and sitting on the front porch. Very very sweet of someone to do this... although Taylor joked that our house could have burned down had we not seen them! Not really, they were in a safe spot and in glass jars.

I have asked around to a few people, and I have had no confessions. I have a pretty good feeling it was someone in our neighborhood (we have a gated neighborhood), because they would have had to come in the gate.

Thank you to whoever put the candles out front. It was such a sweet thing to do, and Taylor and I both were very touched.

It's November already, and alot has happened since Oct 15th. I had another birthday on November 5th. I will refrain on the age I turned.... its just not Southern for a lady to tell her age. My plan is just to NEVER look my age.

Also, one of my best friends in this world had a baby boy. He is healthy and normal and alive...and for that I am so thankful. Congratulations Sara & Wade. ( http://wattshometeam.blogspot.com/ )

I was very stressed about him being born, whether Sara realized it or not. I hope to be able to meet him sometime soon. We also have some really good friends here in Little Rock who were blessed enough to have a healthy baby boy back a few months ago. His name is Owen. Taylor and I have not met him yet, even though they only live about 15 minutes away. I have felt a little guilty about not seeing him yet, but I just wasn't ready. Now that he is a little older, I may be able to meet him. It just would have been too hard right at first... with him being a newborn, would have been way too close to Grayson. Our friends understand, and I am so glad that they do. I guess that's why they are "friends"...because they look after our feelings as well. It has been really hard on me watching everyone else have healthy babies and start their families... I just keep trying to believe that God has a plan for us. I don't know what it is, but I really hope it consists of healthy children to call our own. Whether that be by birth or adoption... I just don't know.

Taylor and I have been having some pretty low key days lately. We have both been working extra... him more than me. He gets more chances at it to be fair, and he has taken advantage of it. I have worked a few extra myself, and have just really been staying busy.

Football season has really helped us to keep our minds occupied. We are so into football... college and NFL, and Fantasy Football as well. I'm more the pure football fan, while Taylor is a little more into the Fantasy Football thing. We are sitting here watching the Dallas Cowboys play the Green Bay Packers as I type. The Saints won again today... thank God! They gave us a scare though. They don't need to do that again.

This coming weekend we will be going to our first football game of the year. Mississippi State plays Arkansas here in Little Rock Saturday. We will be tailgating and then going to the game... and I will be one the only State fans going. There will be another couple of State fans... but I will definitely be outnumbered. We played horrible against Alabama yesterday... so I HOPE that we come back and take Arkansas out this Saturday! I will have the cowbell ready.

I am off to clean my truck for while its still pretty outside. I want to have it ready for tailgating.

p.s. I have something new for the blog coming up soon thanks to a friend... I'll let you know when it happens.

Until next post...

Godspeed.

High School Reunions & Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It's been quite some time since I last posted on here... I have let time get away. I have had a few different people mention that I have not had any recent posts... so I needed to get on here and stop procrastinating.

We have done alot, and nothing all at the same time lately. Most of our time has been spent working alot, extra shifts...especially Taylor. Sometimes he works too much.

We have been to Hattiesburg, Ms to see family, been to the Mississippi Coast...and Taylor went to New Orleans for the first game of the season of the Saints. He had a blast thanks to my cousin Chad and my Uncle Virgil... I'm still surprised they all made it home in one piece.

After that trip we were at home a few weeks until this past weekend.

We went to Brookhaven for my 20th Class Reunion... okay, I know that I just told off on how old I am... but who cares. We had a good time (at least I did), and I was told how awesome a wife I am by some of the guys I went to school with because I told Taylor to leave and go to my parents to watch the second half of the LSU vs Florida game. Too bad LSU couldn't win it.

We also got to see Grayson's memorial stone this weekend. It came in this past week and it looks great. Thanks to Brookhaven Monument for doing such a great job and for being such great people. They did everything they could to get it there for us by this weekend, and I appreciate that so much. I will post pictures soon. It is very similar to Kinsey's with a few personal changes for Gray.

Grayson also got more mail! I will definitely be putting a post on this weekend about all the mail he has received in his P.O. Box. It has been so great, thanks to all of you.

Tomorrow is a big day for us that not alot of people even know about. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th. A day to remember our children. I encourage all of you to wear something Blue or Pink tomorrow for the day. I keep a pink and blue ribbon on my work badge all the time...and it will have even more of a special meaning tomorrow.

Thank you all for your recent comments... they still mean so much to us. I know that most people have gone back to their normal lives with their families and children... but just remember that there are some of us who can't do that. This is our life now, only memories of the past.

If you can, Please light a candle tomorrow night during the 7 o'clock hour. It represents our children that are no longer with us. They will be watching from above, and they need to see as many candles lit as possible.

International Wave of Light
The International Wave of Light sees participants participating from around the world starting at 1900 hours on October 15 in all time zones.
Participants begin lighting their candles at 1900 hours and burn their candle for a period of at least one hour. The Result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of the children who pass away during pregnancy and shortly after birth.
Candles can be lighted individually or in groups, in your home or in a community setting. Wherever you are, you will be joining an international wave of light in memory of all the children who have passed away during pregnancy and shortly after birth.

Godspeed.

GrayMan's P.O. Box ...and a Poem

I had a question to whether or not Gray's P.O. Box was still working... The answer is Yes. I believe we will have it for 6 months. Gray's Grandpa and Uncle work at the Post Office, so they check it from time to time.
The address again is:

Grayson Thomas Thompson
P.O. Box 4025
Brookhaven , Ms 39603

I plan on putting in a post soon to show all the things Gray has received in his P.O. Box. I have meant to do this numerous times, and just haven't yet. It's pretty emotional to go through everything.. but we are so grateful for all we received for him. Thank you to all of you who sent a card or a package. Hopefully I will get it on here next week after our trip.

Also I wanted to post a Poem that was written for Grayson and Kinsey. It was written by my cousin Angie in Brookhaven. She sent it to me this morning. It made me tear up and smile at the same time. I though it was very sweet of her to write... and so touching that she still has my babies on her mind. Thank you Angie. We all love you.


IN THE LAP OF JESUS

Kinsey Grace
Grayson Thomas

Forever in contentment in His arms abide
Little smiles and hugs, to Him belong survive

Their hearts with us we carry until the day of peace
When we together reign with God and them to be

Peace be still my little ones not long will we be
With you in His presence, again will we see

The love for you we’ll carry deep down in our being
To walk with you in silence, our souls embrace such feeling

Till then to you my Kinsey, with pick cheeks so whimsy
Hold God’s hand and follow His plan till I will see you plenty

To you my Gray Man, He too has a plan, my sweet Angel in the sky
From monkeys, dragonflies and ladybugs to all the butterflies

We Love You and we cherish you, in Him our faith abides

Kinsey Grace Thompson
Grayson Thomas Thompson

“To you we say GODSPEED”

We’ll live on earth and follow GOD’s plan to be with you indeed.

Life, Football and Getting Away

I I have been back at work for 3 weeks now, things have been going okay. It has been pretty busy at times, but it keeps my mind from wandering.

We haven't really done alot lately either, just work and hang out at home on the weekends. We have had Taylor's Uncle Greg visit a few times. He works all over the place and travel I-30 on the way from Texas to Mississippi and stops to stay the night sometimes. It has been good for Taylor to have him around, and he always seems to make me laugh. He is the same Uncle who gave me the James Avery charms that I wear all the time. The ones with Kinsey and Grayson's names engraved on the back of them. They wear the same charms as well, which is such a good thought for me.

I got to show off my new coffee maker to him. Taylor bought me a Keurig Coffee maker as a surprise, and for anyone who isn't sure what this is... look it up. It is one of the best gifts he has given me ( aside from Gray and Kinsey that is). It makes a cup in about 30 seconds, and is so convenient. Greg was so taken with it, I believe he is about to buy one as well.

Thursday we will be headed to Hattiesburg, MS to visit with family. My Aunt Judy (my Daddy's sister) lives there with all of her family, and we have been looking forward to this trip. A trip to Conastoga Steak House will be involved (and NO that's not on the Nutrisystem Plan...I'll have to splurge just a little), as well as Golf & Football.

Taylor will be playing golf with my Uncle and cousin... they are all crazy competitive, so if they all make it home without getting into a fist fight they will be doing good! They will have a good time I'm sure. I'm sure we will all get to hang out and watch football together, and Taylor gets to go to the Saints opening day game with my cousin Chad. For all of you who know me personally...you know how big a deal this is for me to pass up seeing the Saints play so that Taylor can go. That's true love. He had better appreciate it! Chad only has one extra ticket. He has season tickets in the End Zone...right down on the field. I'm jealous.

We will get to stay there with them until Monday, and then head back to Arkansas. My parents will be there for a day or two as well, so it will be good to see everybody.

Not much else happening in our lives right now. We have just been working, trying to save money again... and I have still been on the "diet". It's hard to have willpower when you have eaten anything you wanted for 2 years! I think I have lost about 7 lbs so far, and I am sticking with it. The Nutrisystem thing has gone well so far. A few meals have been good, a few have been bad..but I'm managing. At least I have weeded out the bad meals now, and will only have to order the ones I know I like. I just need to start exercising now. At least the weather is at the point now where it is starting to be nice.

Good Southern Football Weather.

And speaking of Football, thank God its finally back. It's my favorite time of year.

We had our Family Fantasy Football League Draft on Labor Day, it should be an interesting year. This is the most teams we have ever had, 14. I even got a new friend to join this year. Nicole, she is Elias' Mom...and she is from CT. Elias had Trisomy 18 as well, and was born just a few weeks before Grayson. We like to think that they are friends up there. It has been good to talk to someone else who is going through something similar, but it sure is a bad way to meet.

Gray and Elias will be keeping up with our teams I'm sure.

Things have been hard on me lately, so football is at least it is a good outlet for me. I have had a hard time lately, the realization of it all. That things are back to just the two of us again, without our little man or Kinsey. It's so surreal. I can't explain it to anyone that hasn't been through this... it's a feeling I can't even explain. Maybe empty is a good word for it, but that wouldn't even begin to explain. I just keep getting up in the morning, and keep getting dressed, and keep breathing... I really don't know any other way to deal with things. Losing two babies had changed me for certain, I'm not the same person anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong... I'm not totally different, but there is definitely a difference between the Kristi of now and the one from pre July 2008. So for now, I will just keep going and keep praying...

Saying all this actually just reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies. Do you remember which movie this was from?

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

I think I will always think about how things used to be, I just hope that one day the thoughts get less painful.

One last thing before I end this post...

The most interesting thing that happened to us over the weekend had to do with this picture.

Taylor found this in our Laundry basket in our master bathroom this weekend. I don't see how it didn't bite him! Yes, I said in our laundry basket which is in our bathroom...which is connected to our bedroom! I have no idea how it got there. I just know that it was MEAN. I also know now that it was a Rat Snake, which is not poisonous... but we didn't know that at the time.

We managed to trap it with a garden hoe and a shovel and drop it in this bucket. It was quite an experience.

I'm still a little freaked out! I went through the whole bathroom and bedroom with a flashlight and a hoe! I REALLY hope that's the last snake I see INSIDE my house. Outside, I can deal with it.. but not inside.

I'm sure our babies got a kick out of that one, watching us catch a snake in the bathroom...

Godspeed.

One week down

I made it through my first week of work. It was a big step for me. It was funny how much I forgot while I was off. I walked in the door and honestly had to think for a minute about what all I used to do to get ready for the day. Good thing it was really slow that morning...

By the time it picked up, I was pretty much back in the swing of things. It took me a little while, but by the end of the day I was back to normal I believe.

Our Dallas trip was a good one, we had a good time with friends...and Macey had a good time too. The other big thing I started Monday besides work was a DIET. It was probably a good thing that we took the Dallas trip, I was definately not looking forward to starting a diet, but the Dallas trip helped with that just a bit. I ate so much in Dallas that I didn't mind it that much! I had three meals while we were there, and they were all Mexican. It was SO good. The diet I started was Nutrisystem ... we will see how things go. Its Friday, and I think I have had a good week. I haven't even cheated!

I sure hope that I am able to do the Nutrisystem thing... its not cheap, but if it works...then its worth it. I actually am on the Flex Program, which gives me the weekends to do my own foods. It was a little cheaper that way. If Marie Osmand and Dan Marino can do it, then so can I!

Work did keep me busy this week, I guess that's a good thing. I have had a pretty good week, I have had a few moments. Today however, I lost it just a bit. I blame it on WalMart... why is it that everyone shopping in WalMart has a baby with them? I had started to become better with it, but today was just a little much. I think it was just that the babies I saw today reminded me so much of mine. I saw a little girl with red hair... she was around a year old, the same age Kinsey would have been. It really got to me.

Its just things like that ... they really get to me. It just makes me wonder what she would have been like right now. How big would she have been? I'm sure she would have been a mess...and so much fun. I think that seeing other babies sometimes just reminds me of what I am missing. That's the hardest part.

I know my children are in a place they would never want to leave... it just doesn't help me from missing them.

I'm not really sure what we have planned for the weekend, Taylor is still at work. We will watch some pre-season Football I'm sure.... Next weekend College Football will start, which anyone that knows me knows that I am REALLY into Football. College and Pro. It will give my mind something else to focus on... sounds silly, but it really will. I just wish that I was able to hold GrayMan for his first football game. I read a comment today on the Trisomy 18 board, one of the babies born around the same time as Gray is still alive. He actually turned 2 months old today. I won't try to lie and pretend that I'm not jealous... I would give anything to have Grayson here with us still. I know that its not possible. Doesn't make me not wish it were.

I better turn off the computer and start getting something ready for dinner. For Taylor at least that is... My dinner is in a box in the pantry! It really is pretty convenient. I have been cleaning up, ...and don't laugh...watching Golden Girls. I don't know why I watch that show so much. Its mindless and silly, maybe that's why I like it. I bet I have seen every episode at least twice...pitiful isn't it.

I hope all of you have a good weekend. I don't know what all our weekend has in store, but

I know that my children will be looking over us.

Godspeed.

My last week off

Its been a busy day for me... Nothing major, just work here at the house. This is my last week off work. I will have taken off 7 weeks. It's hard to believe it has been that long since I had GrayMan. It seems like yesterday. I miss him just as much as the day he left us to go Home to Christ. We still haven't been able to put up all of GrayMan's things. I have put some of his things in their room, but there are still some things in the bedroom and living room. I just can't put them up yet. We still have the "Pack & Play" in the corner of the living room. Its just is comforting in some way.

Taylor has been working alot the past couple of weeks, overtime hours. We needed the money, and the hours were available...so he sucked it up and did it. I hate that he has worked so much lately...but I love him for it too. He always gives me a hard time when he has worked overtime. He likes to say he is "providing" for this family... He always makes me laugh when he says that. Tonight he is beat. He goes in early tomorrow...and then off the weekend.

We are making a short trip to Dallas this weekend. He is in another Fantasy Football league (I'm not in this one) and they are having a live draft that he wants to go to. SO.... that means we leave after he gets off work tomorrow.

While he is doing the draft, I plan on having a day out with my friends Kenny and Sallie Ann. I'm sure that there will be some Mexican food in that equation somewhere. I'm looking forward to hanging out with them again. They always are able to put me in a better mood.

After that, I'm sure that there will be dinner at Cuba Libre Saturday night... that place is soooo good. This weekend will also be the end of my eating binges... I start my diet on Monday. Not looking forward to it.


We will have to come back early on Sunday, so it will be a really short trip... we won't get to see hardly anyone we are friends with while we are there because of me having to come back and start work on Monday.

I can't say that I am "ready" to go back to work... but I don't know if you are ever "ready". I do know that I am glad to be going back to work where I am employed now. It would be harder to go back to work knowing that I had to take care of a child in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. I gave that 12 years of my life...and I am just fine working at a no direct patient care nursing job right now. I miss the people I worked with, but I know that they are all happy that I'm doing something else thats good for me. I am also blessed enough to work with another amazing group of people. The nurses I am working with have been so great and so supportive of us.

It's quite ironic that the group I work for now are appropriately named "ANGELS".



Taylor and I have a couple that we are good friends with here in Little Rock. Ryan and Amber. They went home from the hospital today with a healthy baby boy. I am SO thankful that their new baby is normal and healthy, I prayed he would be. At the same time it is bittersweet...its so hard to deal with all of the emotions. Taylor and I are happy for them, and will hopefully be seeing them sometime soon. It will just take us some time. I know that our friends understand that this is hard on us. It just really beings up alot of emotions. It makes us miss Gray and Kinsey even more. Even talking about them going home with the baby today made me cry.
I know that Kinsey and Grayson will be watching over their new baby boy... and they want us to meet him. Like I said before, it will just take some time.


I am headed back into the laundry room to finish up things for the Dallas trip. Even a short weekend trip can be such a beating having to pack. Of course we have to pack things for Macey too. She is looking forward to seeing her "Uncle Kenny" again!

P.S. I don't know how I almost forgot to mention this....
Taylor was at work yesterday in the hospital and felt something on his arm. He looked down and kind of flinched because he didn't know what it was. Guess what it was... A LADYBUG. Yep, a ladybug inside the hospital. And it landed on him. What are the odds of that??
We know who it was saying "hello".

Godspeed.

More Birthday Pictures

I wanted to add the rest of the pictures from Kinsey's Birthday. These are the pictures that were taken by my family in Brookhaven.

My Mom did what I wasn't able to do... take balloons and flowers to the cemetary.

Kinsey's Birthday was July 28th of course, and I was here in Little Rock. Taylor was supposed to start to work that next day, so we couldn't really drive to Mississippi.

Thank God for my Mom.

She got balloons and the flowers that we wanted (Stargazer Lillies of course), as well as making a homemade wreath for Kinsey. It had butterflies and ladybugs, as well a little doll. It also had a couple of little things for GrayMan...a few Monkeys and cars. You know they would have played with each others toys...and probably fought over them!

Thank you Mama for doing the things that I'm not able to do, and thank you for just being my Mom...and a great Mimi to my babies. I wish you had been able to spoil them more here in this life, but I know that one day when we are with them again...you will really SPOIL them.

Thank you for being there for us whenever we need you.

I love you.

My Grandma went with my Mom to help her get everything out there for Kinsey and Gray. And of course they had to get a picture of each other for me while they were out there. I'm so glad she got to meet and hold Grayson.

Thank you Grandma.

Last but not least, the Monkey and Ladybug are still out there! To this day we have no idea who gave it to them, but we thank you...whoever you are.

Godspeed Kinsey and GrayMan.

FINALLY....Pictures and Video from Kinsey's 1st Birthday

It took forever, but I finally have the pictures and video from Kinsey's Birthday on the blog.

Let's just say that Brooks and Macey didn't really like the Balloons...

In case you didn't catch what Taylor said in the video, the tree I am in front of is a tree that we planted in memory of Kinsey last fall. Its a Sugar Maple tree that turns bright orange-red in the fall...really pretty. We thought the Sugar Maple was a great choice because of the color... Kinsey's bright red hair helped in that decision.

Godspeed.

Keeping busy, and seeing Signs

I have been trying for days to edit a post. It has pictures of Kinsey's Birthday. This Internet connection is so annoying.
I also have a couple of pictures of some surprises that were given to us for GrayMan... whenever I can get them to load on here, I will post them. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later.

I am at home today, Taylor is back at work. I start back on August 24th. I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home. I have cleaned out 2 closets, working on the office...and then will find something else to clean. I have cooked two new dishes...(which Taylor loved) and will be trying a few more new things. I also am still working on Thank You cards. I have so many to write, I have just been doing a little at a time. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied somewhat... but I never really have Gray and Kinsey off my mind.

I have heard from so many people that compliment me on my strength and faith...
I don't really know if that's the correct way to put things. I don't feel strong right now.
I pray, and I have my Faith...but its hard to not have questions for God. I will always wonder why Gray and Kinsey...why Taylor and I? Why were we chosen to deal with all of this pain and hurt? All we wanted was to have a healthy child to bring home. To start a family.
Will we have that one day?
I see so many women at work (in the hospital) and on TV that treat their babies so badly! Drinking and doing crack or meth while they are pregnant and breastfeeding. Abusing and neglecting their babies and children. All the while, they were able to have a healthy baby to bring home...and they treat them like that! They should be so grateful for what they have! It's enough to make me insane and furious at the same time. SO... don't think I don't have my moments. It's really easy to be bitter... but it's really difficult to be positive. That's where keeping busy helps. Idle minds are the easiest to stray. I constantly pray and ask Christ to give us strength to keep going. That's really all I know to do right now.

Honestly, we haven't even begun to talk about the future. I don't think its fair to our babies to go that route right now. Taylor and I need to have some time together, and to visit family...and that's what we have planned.
One day though we will talk about our future. What will it be? and where will it lead? I don't know. We do want a family... we just aren't sure where to go from here. We have so much to give, and just would love to have babies to raise here on this earth.

Seeing Taylor with Gray was such an amazing site. The look on Taylor's face when Gray was born...and the way he looked holding him, it was just perfect. I will never forget that, I know Taylor won't either. He is a great Daddy to both of our babies. Thank you Taylor for being such a good Daddy for them...and for being here for me. He is a strong guy, and I am lucky to have him as my husband.
I will always just wish to have Grayson and Kinsey back with us... although I know that will never be. They are in a place they would never want to leave. Thank You God. I know they want us to add to the family, they will be watching over us always. I just pray that God wants that for us as well.

SIGNS
People talk about signs. Signs from beyond that make you think of someone who is no longer on earth. I like to think I have seen some of those lately... I know I have.
I always think of Ladybugs and Butterflies when I think of Kinsey. And it isn't just Monkeys that remind me of Gray. For some reason Blue Butterflies and Dragonflies remind me of GrayMan too.
Is it just a coincidence that we have been swarmed by dragonflies lately?? Honestly I have seen hundreds here at our house and around town this past week. They are out in swarms... it's amazing! Taylor and I love it. He was cutting the grass last weekend...(with a push mower nonetheless. Our riding mower is broken...AGAIN)... and was literally walking through a hundred dragonflies!
Another thing that amazed me last week was this: I was sitting on the front porch talking to my Mom and Aunt Judy. I had been watching this Blue Butterfly fly around on the front porch and in the flower beds. Of course it reminded me of Gray. Then in a split second it landed on my left cheek! Just for a second...almost like a kiss. I believe it was from my Little Man.
I may be crazy, but when has a butterfly ever landed on my face?

Godspeed.

One Month Ago

One month ago we were anxious.
One month ago we were scared.
One month ago we were blessed.
One month ago we were thankful.
One month ago we were happy.
One month ago... Grayson was born.

Hard to believe that it has been one month since that day. It was such an amazing day. I do believe it was given to us all by Christ.
Grayson touched so many people and continues to do so. Kinsey has done the same.
Our children have done what we could have never done...
I believe it was their purpose, it was their reason for life...and their reason for leaving us here.

I won't even try to lie and say that I am "okay". I'm not. I'm Broken. I'm in a place that I wish on no one. But I am thankful for having known them.
I am grateful that I am able to remember Gray's sounds, and smells, and his touch. I can still feel the top of his head when I would kiss him. Sounds crazy, but I can.
I pray that I never forget that.

After losing Kinsey, we were also broken. Grayson helped us to mend. Don't get me wrong, I will never "get over" losing her...but he gave us a focus. A new life to watch over, and he helped us. I pray that we were able to help him, even just a tiny bit as much as he did for us.
As a nurse, it killed me that I wasn't able to "fix" him. That I wasn't able to do all I wanted to do. I'm sure Taylor felt the same.
We couldn't save our babies...but I believe they have saved us. I also believe that they have saved a few others...some that I don't even know.
For that, we are grateful.

I don't think I could put into words how much all the support, prayers and comments have meant to us. They have kept us going...
As I said before, Gray gave us a child to look over after losing Kinsey. But now, its just us. There is no one but each other to look after...

I'm not sure where to go from here, what road to take. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if Taylor knows either.

But we will keep breathing, and keep taking one step at a time. That's all I know to do. I have no other answers.

I watched the slide show of Grayson at 12:08pm today. It just seemed appropriate.

http://www.crystalgoss.com/#/graysonthomas/

Godspeed Little Man.

p.s. Thank you to the staff of Paul Michael Company in Lake Village, AR. My Mom and Aunt were here visiting and helping us. They were on the way home to Mississippi and stopped at Paul Michael to shop. When they went to start the car again to go home...it wouldn't start. The staff there helped them to go to an Auto Parts store, so they could buy a new battery. Then one of the staff members even put the battery in for them. We really appreciate their help. God has a way of looking over us in many different ways.

Plus I know that they had 2 Guardian Angels watching over them.

Just a poem that speaks to me...

“I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine." God said.
"For you to love while he lives, and mourn for when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.”

“I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane, I have selected you.
Now you will give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, to take him back again?”

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay;
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we’ve planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

--Edgar Guest

Pictures and Videos

I have wanted to post a few pictures and videos, but our internet connection hasn't been cooperating... I know they will be put together all in one post, but hopefully I can keep them all in order.

so finally, here they are:

First of all, these are a few pictures from Gray's "Celebration of Life".

There were a few friends asking to see what we did at the end of his service... so here are a couple of videos.






I also thought I would show something that was done for us by our Church Family at Johnson Grove. We had the idea to make an area at the cemetary where people could sit and arrange their flowers, or just sit and think and pray. My Grandma had some benches she gave us, and my family took them out to the cemetary. The enterence gate is directley behind Kinsey's (and now Grayson too) stone... the benches were placed in the corner to the right when you walk in the gate. We wanted to put a cement slab down, and a marker to honor the memory of our children.

My parents had mentioned this to some people at church... to see how they liked the idea. We were planning on waiting until later in the year to have the slab poured under the benches.

To show how great our Church Family is...

My Grandma and Aunt had gone to the cemetary while my parents were in Arkansas with us. They called us and said that someone had poured the cement under the benches...and it looked great! They even put washed rock in the cement and white rocks all around the edges... it is truly a beautiful area now.

God has blessed us with so many good people in our lives. We can never repay all the love and support that has been shown to us all.

The area was beautiful at Grayson's "Celebration", and we owe it all to our family at Johnson Grove. Thank you all so very much.

Taylor and I took Ladybug's to the church for Gray and Kinsey before we left Mississippi. We couldn't even think of leaving without delivering Ladybugs. I believe GrayMan likes them too.

When we went to Dallas, we let a Monkey Balloon go for Gray and Kinsey. We were at Kenny's place and he got to be there with us to let them go. It was a pretty windy day in Dallas that day, and they really just took off. There is something so relaxing and beautiful watching those balloons climb out of sight....

Taylor made a video of us releasing the balloons... only problem is that he did the video sideways. There may be a way to rotate it, but if there is...I can't figure it out. I opted to put the video on here anyway. Sorry its sideways!

Happy Birthday Kinsey Grace

Today has been an emotional day for me. It wasn't the way I had envisioned...we were supposed to have been watching Kinsey destroy her Birthday cake today. We had hoped to be throwing a Ladybug Birthday Party, but Taylor and I know more then anyone...things don't always happen the way you had hoped.
Just thinking how much things have changed in one year...its almost too much to take in. We have lost two children in one year's time. Unbelievable sometimes... doesn't even seem real, but we know it is.

I really didn't know how today would pan out. I do know that I would have loved to be in my hometown Brookhaven today. We couldn't though because we previously thought Taylor had to work today. To go to the church and the cemetary would have been ideal for me.

Luckily, his manager WAS able to give him the day off. I'm sure she had no idea how much she helped me today... Taylor and I were able to spend today together, and that meant so much to me. Otherwise I would have been alone all day today...thanks Ashley.

My Mom and Grandma went to the church this morning and took Kinsey's balloons and some flowers to the cemetery. Of course GrayMan got some balloons too. Thank you Mom and Grandma...and thanks Wanda for letting them use your camera. Hopefully I will have pictures soon of what they did for us all.
One thought that made me smile today was that they are together today. No matter how much I miss them and want them back here with us, I am comforted by the fact that they are together...and most of all with God.

Taylor and I stayed busy most of the day. We got so many great plants at Gray's service...and we still have many from Kinsey's service too. So...we went shopping for pots. We found some really good ones. We came home and potted the new plants, and repotted some others. I think they all turned out great. Taylor had some ideas about doing some different things to some of the plants, and I think they turned out great. Every time I see any of them, I think of my babies.

I wanted to post a few pictures of the plants, but my internet is terrible...Hughes Net. Horrible.
Maybe I can get them posted on here tomorrow.

We did have a little private Birthday for Kinsey here at home. Taylor and I got some pink Happy Birthday balloons. We attached them to one of Gray's monkey balloons...and added the note with the monkey on it. It also had a card I made for Kinsey's Birthday. Then we went in the backyard by Kinsey's tree...and let them go. It had rained all day, but stopped and began to be a pretty day. The balloons started off a little slow, but then really took off. They climbed so high that I lost sight of them.

Today was spent with Kinsey on my mind constantly, I miss her so much. While we were out I saw many reminders. Ladybugs (and butterflies) were everywhere... from the Flower pot that we found for the nursery, to the Ladybug stake that we came across for one of the plants. While in one store today I saw a baby being pushed in a grocery cart. A little red headed baby girl, I couldn't help but tear up. Reminders are everywhere everyday...especially today.

I know that Kinsey and Grayson are together today...and for that I am grateful. One day we will spend their Birthdays together...as a family.

Happy Birthday Kinsey Grace. We love you and miss you every second of every day....and we always will.

Godspeed.

Dallas, Friends, Food, Gray Man & Kinsey

Taylor and I went to Dallas on Wednesday. We left that morning and made it in only 4 1/2 hours...Taylor was proud of that.

We went to just see friends and try to relax. We lived in Dallas for around 3 years, and still miss alot of things there. Especially the people and the FOOD.

We wanted to just get away, not that we even attempted to "get away" from our thoughts and memories...I never want to get away from those. But it was nice to see good friends and go to our favorite Dallas restaurants. Mainly Cuba Libre and La Hacienda Ranch.

We were able to see a few different friends. There are some that I want to thank...
Kenny, you are always great... we always feel very welcome at your Bed & Breakfast, Macey loved it there too. She said she misses running up and down the stairs. Hope you liked the cheesecake.
Julie, Brian, Lacy, Keith, Lauren etc... it was great to see all of you, and we had a good time playing shuffleboard.
Laurie, thank you for breakfast...and I had a great time just getting to hang out with you for breakfast Saturday morning. I miss seeing you.
Ryan and Emily... we had such a good time Saturday night. The surprise massages were amazing, and definitely a surprise. Playing Rook was really fun, even though the guys won the last round.
Dallas will always hold a special place in our hearts... even though we still hate the traffic.

We did some shopping, and I won't go into detail...but we bought a few gifts while we were there.
We also were able to let some balloons go for Grayson and Kinsey. We had a monkey balloon attached to some other colored balloons. We let them go at Kenny's place. They had the monkey on them from the Barrel of Monkeys...and the same card that was on the balloons we let go at Gray's service. It was a windy day...and they took off! They actually went so far up that we totally lost sight of them. Will we ever hear from any of them? Who knows, but we love letting those balloons go. I will attach some pictures and hopefully a video later.

We came back home yesterday, and its good to be back home. Like I said before, there are things here that I see and still cause me to become upset...but I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. I will always have those wonderful memories. I would give anything to have Gray and Kinsey back, but I know its not possible. I just have to take it one day at a time...and just keep breathing. With God's help, I hope to survive.
I definitely don't fear death anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to leave... but when the time comes, I will get to hold my children again. To meet God, and to see GrayMan and Kinsey.... there will be NOTHING greater than that.

Tomorrow is a big day for us. Tomorrow is Kinsey's 1st Birthday. July 28, 2009. Not the way I wanted it to be, but Taylor and I will do something special for her together. She also has Gray with her now, and I know that they will be together tomorrow and for all eternity. For that I am thankful...and blessed. Thanks be to God.

Godspeed.

Back at Home... without our Little Man (July 20th, 2009)

Taylor and I made it back to Arkansas yesterday. It wasn't a bad drive, but it does get long. Our Jack Russell Macey made the trip with us. We stopped a few times to walk around and got home around 3pm.

Walking in the house was pretty emotional for me. Lots of Gray Man memories. I love the memories though... I am so thankful that I have them. But it does not take away the hurt. I miss him so much... his smell, his sounds, the feel of him laying on my chest....and of course I miss kissing him on top of the head. That was one of my favorite things to do.

It all hits you in the face when you come in the house and see his things. I didn't want anything put up before we left here though. I wanted all of his things exactly where I left them. I wanted to be the one to pick up after him, his Mom. I think the thing that affected me the most was seeing his bed, his little Snuggle Nest. Gray slept between Taylor and I, in our bed. It was a special little bed made so that we could do that. He loved it.. it had a heartbeat sound, and music..as well as a little nightlight. Seeing that still in the middle of the bed was very emotional for me. Honestly, I wanted to just leave it there. However, I knew that I couldn't leave it there forever. No matter how much I wanted to do that.

Of course when Grayson was here, I really never slept. The only time I slept was when I accidentally dozed off for a few minutes at a time. I think it was just a Higher Power helping me to stay awake...because Gray needed me there. I just wanted to do everything I could for him while he was here. I wanted to know that I didn't miss any time with him.

I just want him back so badly. I got the chance to do with him what I missed with Kinsey. In a way, it brought back all the hurt from losing her...I really got to experience what I missed with her. I got to know Grayson, to see his little personality. I remember his smell, his sounds....all things that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Taylor and I both got to know our Little GrayMan... and it was such a blessing to us.

Taylor did such a great job here on the blog while I was not able to post. I spent every second with Gray, so he took over things. It helped him more than I think he ever thought it would. He really was touched by every one's expressions of support for us.

I saw so many compliments for him in his posts... I don't know if I can be as good as he was! He did a great job keeping everyone updated, and touched so many people by his post for Gray.

We are both still overwhelmed by all of the support and love and prayers we have received from all over the world.

When I started this blog, it was basically to keep family and friends updated. We never could have dreamed how many people and lives our children have touched. They have done more in their short lives than Taylor and I have been able to do our whole time here on this earth. It gives me some sense of comfort...knowing that they have touched so many.

I can't thank you all enough...from the bottom of my heart. All of the comments we have received have helped to keep us going. They have helped our hearts. We have such a long journey to take, such a long time to start healing. We will NEVER get over this...its not something you ever "get over", and we don't want to. We just have to learn how to keep living.

I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I pray that God will show me the way.

All I know to do right now is take things an hour, a day at a time. I just want them both back so badly... it physically hurts.

I know that they don't want to come back...even though we want them to be here with us. I can only pray that God's Grace will help us to be with them again one day. It is the main thing I strive for...to someday after this life, be reunited with our children.

In the words of "Mercy Me"...I've never been more Homesick, than now.

Godspeed.