And now tomorrow is Mother's Day... such a commercialized holiday, yet you just can't get away from it, can you?
Not that I want to altogether.... it's just difficult and emotional.
I can tell you that I have an amazing Mother, who deserves this day. So I will drive to see her, and my family. Then of course, go out to the church to leave flowers and spend some time outside with my two babies.
I've read so many different posts this week, from several different people and sites. SO many different opinions, and ways of dealing with grief. I've learned one thing... none of it is wrong. Everyone has their own way of coping, dealing with their emotions.... and we all just do what we can.
I think back to my first "Mother's Day"... I was pregnant with Kinsey, and due in August. I had no idea what was about to happen. She would be 5 years old right now. I wonder every day what she would look like, how she would act... about how her personality would be. I saw a little girl earlier this month at the hospital, that I think she would have looked a lot like. That set me back a few hours. Sometimes I see little redheaded girls, and it just takes my breath away. Hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it. And of course any pictures I see of myself as a child, I see her :) I know she was going to look just like me.
My second Mother's Day, I was pregnant with Gray (he would be 4 now)... and still grieving Kinsey. He was my help then though, he kept me strong. Even though I already knew his diagnosis of T18, I know he kept me moving and motivated.... focused on bringing him home. The thing I wasn't able to get to do with his sister.
And I brought him home... still the best 5 days of my life. He was such a strong and perfect boy to me.
So now its my 6th Mother's Day as a Mother, without my children here with me. I still don't really know exactly how I'll be... but, it will happen... ready or not.
The last few months I have learned many things about myself, others and Christ. Some things have been good, some not so good... but that's life.
I've endured chronic pain, and then had surgery to help correct it. Cervical surgery on my C 5-6, 6-7... quite a little scary when you think about it. That in itself was quite a challenge and it's taken some time to fully recover. Physically and mentally... but was the right decision, and I am so much better for it.
I have also met some amazing women who I am so proud to now call friends. They have helped and made more of a difference in my life than they realize I'm sure. I would never wish what I have lived through on anyone... but that is the very way I have come to know these new friends. It does help to talk to another who understands and feels the same feelings. I know that sometimes I say things that I am sure can make others either think I'm losing it... or that I just sound crazy. It's a "comfort" that's unexplainable to know that you aren't the only one with those thoughts and feelings. Makes me feel not so alone sometimes.
One of those friends and I (Lauren Bowie, who lost her son Wills to T18) were having lunch a few weeks ago, and the saying "misery loves company" came up. I liked her spin to it a lot better. She said "reality loves company", and it's so true! I have found so much comfort in others recently... those who can relate. I seriously hate for them, that they CAN relate to me.... but I thank God for them at the same time.
It's tough seeing all the commercials, all the Facebook posts etc.. about Mother's Day of everyone's children... But tomorrow, I will just do what I can. I can put too much pressure on myself sometimes, and other times not do enough. Tomorrow I'm just going to pray for God to see me through the day with the best emotions and feelings that I can have. I will pray to have a good visit with my Mother... and then some personal time with my two.
The best part of the last few months is how tangible Christ, God, the Holy Spirit and Heaven have become to me. Stealing words from Lauren again.... I am starving to hear and learn more. My children are there, and I can't wait to see it with them.
I have watched The Bible mini series so many times I can't count, and reading }Heaven is for Real" was very very moving and made a huge impact in my life, mind and soul (and on a side note... the book blows the movie out of the water).
I praise God that I KNOW where my children are. And no matter how sad, depressed, and difficult being here without them is and will be... I have no doubt that I will get to be with them again. I honestly can't wait.
I see so many things at work, with children at the hospital... there are many things worse than death. I hope that in some way, when I talk to families who are getting ready to bring their child to the hospital, or watch them go into surgery... they can feel the compassion I feel for them, because I know and remember too well being on their side of things. It's different situations, but I do feel for every one of them.
One thing that I have noticed in my blog posts... is the positive feel of them at times. Let me assure you, that its not always positive. The people, family and friends closest to me can vouch for that. I have moments of depression, hurt, sadness, anxiety, and pain that runs so deep I can feel it in my bones. It's something I could never explain. But the ONLY reason I can have any positive thoughts, is because of Christ. I have learned some extremely hard lessons over the years... you can't always "fix" things, people will leave, you won't always be able to trust others, and you can't put your heart fully into anyone but Christ. He is the reason we live with hope. The reason I can, at the end of a night that has been awful... still have a reason to know that when all of this is over - is because Christ has already paid the price for us. And we didn't deserve it, but He still did it.
" This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time" (2 Tim 1:9)
I have plans to keep growing my little nonprofit... it's slow but steady, but it will be more and more over time. I will have more to post soon regarding "Grayce was Given".
I also have plans on starting a Bible study/support group/'reality loves company' group. I'm thinking that the first time will be at my house, and I plan on getting it together soon. I know a few others that will be a part of it, and I have some others to ask.
Let me say here, that if you or someone you know has a baby or child in Heaven... please contact me. I would love to have you be a part of a group of Moms who will come together to just talk, share and be around others who understand all the thoughts and feelings.... and who are all fighting their own daily battles to survive this wicked place we call the world. There will be no judgement here, only reality.
It's taken me time to realize, we aren't made to do this alone.
To all my family and friends and co-workers who put up with all of my moody craziness... Thank you. I love and appreciate you more than you know.
To all of the Mothers who will grieve with me tomorrow.... my heart and prayers go out to you. To those grieving the loss of your own Mothers... love and prayers for you as well.