A Long Pause....

It's been a really long time since I have posted anything here. It's not because Kinsey hasn't been on my mind, let me assure that.
Taylor and I found out some news not long after we got home from the Ole Miss Football trip for my birthday. We found out that I was pregnant.
On my birthday I took a pregnancy test, and it was confirmed. We were both excited, sad, nervous, happy and scared to death at the same time.

All had gone well with the pregnancy until March. Everything seemed normal, and the baby looked good. We were still nervous and just praying everything would be okay with the birth of another child. I firmly believe that Kinsey didn't make it due to distress in labor...which SHOULD have been detected. There is no good reason she is not with us here today.
On March 5th we had a Level II ultrasound done. We knew something wasn't right by just the way the tech acted when we asked her questions. After she was done, our Dr. walked in. We have been through so much losing Kinsey...and we just wanted to have a normal healthy baby, however thats not what we were told.
The baby had 3 "markers". Choroid Plexus cysts on the brain, a Ventricle Septal Defect (hole in the heart), and femurs that measured a little short. The three of these together were a sign that there could be something wrong. We were given the option of an Amniocentesis, I wanted to think about it for awhile.
There was a good chance that the baby would have Down Syndrome, or another Trisomy disorder. Trisomy 18 or 13. Both of which are terminal.
To say we were devastated is an understatement. I decided later that day that I could not wait. We had to know as soon as possible if there was something wrong with our baby. I had the amnio done that afternoon.
We also found out something else that day.
We were not going to find out the sex this time of the baby, but once we knew there may be something wrong...we wanted to know.

It's a boy.

On Monday the 9th we were driving home from somewhere, when I got a call.
I knew that it was the results, and I knew they weren't good by the tone of the lady's voice.
Our baby was positive for Trisomy 18.

We were given all choices when we went back to see my MD. Choices like ending the pregnancy, or carrying to term. We felt we had no option. We carry him to term. I could never have lived with myself had I dont anything else. I do however find this to be a very personal decision when you know you are carrying a child who is terminal... It's just not an option I could have handled any other way. Taylor felt the same way.
One hour with our son would give us memories of a lifetime.
What we had to pray for now was that he just be comfortable, and that we could maybe get to have him for a little while.

This is the copy of a letter Taylor wrote when we found out about our baby boy... who by the way we have named Grayson Thomas. I named him the day we found out the results of the tests. He is named after his big sister Kinsey Grace. Appropriate I believe.

I am attaching the email now from Taylor:

Wanted you to know...
This is an extremely difficult email to type. I wish I could call all of our family and friends to tell everyone what is going on in our life right now, but I just can't. Many of you don't know that Kristi is pregnant because we wanted to wait to be sure everything was fine with our child before we told everyone. We we're hoping to be able to tell everyone that we are expecting a healthy child, but that is not the news we received.
Last week during our 20 week ultrasound we got some disturbing news. Our second child was noted to have a few "markers" that potentially indicated Down Syndrome. Kristi and I knew during the ultrasound that something was wrong when we asked if everything was normal; the ultrasound tech was a little distant and told us the Dr would have to talk with us about that. Of course we were concerned, worried, mad, and everything else all tied into one. When Dr. Wendel walked in, he talked to us about pregnancies that are not normal and gave us a few scenarios that pertain to our situation.
We know that our baby boy has a heart defect, cysts on his brain, and he is not developing like a normal child. Kristi and I decided to have an amniocentesis to confirm or exclude problems with our baby. Waiting on those results was extremely difficult for both of us. Unfortunately we got news yesterday that shocked us both. Our boy has a chromosome disorder called Trisomy 18. It is a rare genetic condition that can best be describe as a "fluke". The outcome for these children is extremely poor if they make it to term.
Dr Wendel and the genetic counselors told us that Kristi has about a 40-50% chance of having a miscarriage. If he is born at term his time with us will be short. Depending on the extent of his heart defect and the potential lung issues we may have as little as a few hours or potentially a couple of months.
We were given options of terminating the birth because of the severity of his condition. It's not an easy decision to make, but we made up our minds. We decided that an hour with our baby boy is something that we can cherish and remember for a lifetime. God willing he will be born and not suffer, but we don't know at this point. Our worry is that he could live his short time on earth in pain, but we will do everything within our power to make sure that doesn't happen.
I wish I could call everyone and tell you we are OK and that everything will be fine, but I can't do that right now. After Kinsey died, Dr Wendel told us that his goal is to get us home with a healthy baby. Unfortunately that is not going to happen. The waiting game is the hardest part. We don't know when the inevitable will happen, but we do know what the end result is. There is some solace in knowing this time I guess. Burying our second child is not going to be easy and the days between now and then are going to be filled with sorrow. All I can ask from all of you is to please pray for our son and for us as well.

Kristi and Taylor

Pictures of the Birthday Weekend

I figured out a different way to get my pictures on the computer...so I finally got to post all of the Football Weekend pictures. We had a great time, and it was good to be with family for my birthday too. I couldn't have asked for a better suprise. Thank you all!!

My Mom, Aunt Wanda, Uncle Mark, Aunt Judy ,Uncle Virgil and Taylor and I in The Grove.

Me, Taylor and Patrick after the game.

Taylor had to put it on...


Patrick and his Mom


Mom & Daddy.

I don't think there are any words for this picture!

Patrick at Halftime... He is the Third from the left on the Front Row. He plays the Trumpet.

I also have a video I would love to get on here of him playing...and when I get it figured out, I'll post it.

I told Taylor I was going to post on here that he's not "perfect"! Everybody sends me comments about how great he is...

I'm lauging at him as I post this. He definately has his flaws! But I guess we all do. He did stay up all night the other night playing Playstation3, and thats happened more than once. He insanely competitive, but so am I (I'm sure Kinsey would have been more competitive than the two of us put together!).

He has quite a quick temper when he wants to....but usually settles down pretty quick. If I could just teach him how to cook and clean the house...I would be in business!

He is a great husband...one I can do things with, and one that I can just sit around and be bored with if we want. But one thing is definate... Kinsey would have had a great Daddy here on earth. Insanely protective, fun to do things with...and one that loved her more than I could have ever imagined I would see.

Taylor will be reading this I'm sure....since he just asked me why I was typing so much! But when he does, he will just see that after everything we have been through...I can't imagine ever not having him be the one by my side.

Birthday Wishes

I turned 37 on November 5th...hard to believe. The birthday wish I want, I can not have. I will have it one day though, one day I will be with Kinsey again. I do still have hope for a family here on this earth, I know I already have one in Heaven waiting on me.

Taylor had a surprise planned for my birthday, and the only thing I knew was that it was relatively close to my hometown...because we went there first. We spent 2 days in Brookhaven, and the first place I went after seeing my parents was to the cemetary to see Kinsey's new stone. It was mixed emotions for both of us. It was the first time we had been able to go back since the services. I did alright I guess, but broke down when I got there. Just was so real and so striking to see her name on there.

It was just as we wanted though, it was beautiful. I'm sure she can see it and loves it too. Taylor and I went to the florist and bought some Stargazer Lillies to take with us (those are the flowers I painted in Kinsey's nursery). It was good to just go alone and give her the lillies.

And of course we also brought her some Ladybugs! Live ladybugs...and when we released them, they went everywhere! They were all over her flowers and her stone. It was amazing. Something so simple as ladybugs made me so happy. That in itself was a great birthday present. Taking our daughter her flowers and ladybugs.

I gave her my bracelet, and I put on another....I never take it off.

I know in my heart that she is not there, but its just good to be able to have a place to honor her. I'm also so grateful to my Mom and my Grandma for keeping flowers out there for Kinsey all the time. She has a beautiful view of our church...and of course the softball field where I spent many a summer on the pitchers mound.

On Friday afternoon I finally got to find out what my birthday surprise was... a college football game with my family there! I had a great time with everyone...and even got to see my cousin play in the band at halftime. I can't believe at least one person in my family didn't let it slip, they did good at keeping a secret for a very long time.

He took me to Batesville, Ms....and pulled into a hotel. At that point I knew we were going to an Ole Miss football game, because there isn't anything else to do in Batesville, Ms.

I went to school at Mississippi State...but grew up rooting for Ole Miss due to my Dad and his brother Mark mostly. I'm one of the weird Mississippi people who pulls for all the Mississippi teams...especially living in another state. Its more of a Mississippi thing than anything. Don't hold it against me my Mississippi State friends.....especially Kenny and Sallie Ann! One of my guesses of where Taylor was taking me was Starkville! But I knew shortly after arriving in Batesville why we were going to the Ole Miss vs Auburn game. My parents and my two aunts and uncles were there to surprise me and I had a great time. It was great to see my cousin play the trumpet before the game in The Grove and at Halftime.

I have some great pictures at the game...but I can't seem to find our card reader right now, so I'll just have to post them later. I pray we find that thing...it wasn't cheap!

The first night we were there we ate supper at a hole in the wall place in Como, Ms. Downtown Como....very small. The place was called the Como Steakhouse, and it was excellent! The steaks were Huge, and they grilled them on an open grill right behind our table. If you are ever in Como, Ms...I highly recommend it! We want to go back... The only drawback was that we were all so full after we left that we were pretty much nonfunctional the rest of the night.

The game was an early game at 11:30am...so we got to Oxford at around 9am. Had time to walk around and see Patrick play, then head to the game. The Rebels beat Auburn, it was a great game. Unfortunately the Bulldogs let Kentucky beat them the same day.

It was a great birthday surprise...with family and Taylor, and football. Not bad.

After the football weekend we headed back to Brookhaven and spent a couple of more days. I got to see my family a little more and have dinner at my Grandparents. They are in their 80's and going strong... I'm blessed to still have them in my life. They would have spoiled Kinsey horribly! But she would have already been rotten...

We drove back to Arkansas on Tuesday. I thank God for a safe trip for us all. I got back home to Macey and Brooks...they were wild when we picked them up.

And when I got to the house, I went in the nursery...the lillies were still blooming. I miss you all the time Kinsey.

Its been awhile...

It has been awhile since my last post, and alot has happened since then....

I have to say that its been 3 months since I gave birth to Kinsey...and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes it dosen't seem real..kind of like a dream. We looked forward to meeting her for so long, and we still have everything here ready for her. Her room is just as it was, and I'm sure it will be for some time. Some people probably think that they wouldn't be able to go in her nursery, but although its hard sometimes....I feel close to her in there. I go in from time to time to just be alone and think of her, talk to her and pray. I know that she can hear and see me in there talking to her, and that one day...we will be together again. And she can tell me all about Heaven and what its been like for her there. Never knowing sin, never knowing pain, never knowing suffering....I can truly say and believe that although I would always rather have Kinsey here with me, that I am comforted by the thoughts of where she truly is this very second. There is nowhere else better than that.

Just to say a few things that have happened lately, I have finally started back at work. I actually went back on Oct. 4th...(my Mom's Bday), and this weekend was my 4th weekend to work. It was so hard to go back. I'm sure that any job is hard to go back to, but with my job....it was 10 times as hard. I am blessed though to work with some amazing people. A group of people that have been there for me when I needed them, and left me to myself when I needed that too. God truly blessed me with their friendship.

They all got together and gave me something that I never take off...a pair of ruby earrings ( July's Birthstone) to honor Kinsey. I can't thank them enough, and I want all of you that I work with that are reading this... to know how much I love you all, and how much your friendship and support have sustained me.

Being back at work and around children has been tough....sometimes a little more than I can take. But the ones at work with me have helped me to only take the patients that I am comfortable with, the bigger kids and teenagers. I think I do better with taking care of boys rather than girls as well. Just to have something totally different, so that I won't be able to tie my patient to my daughter. It will be some time before I can take care of an infant.

Its hard enough to be surrounded by rooms that are filled with babies that are sick and suffering, and by the families that are there. I can relate to them way too much now...I know what they are feeling, and its very draining. I am only working 2 twelve hour nights a week, and by the end of that second night...I'm done. Its not just a physical draining now, its emotional.

I was excited about finishing up this weekend at work...because I don't have to go back this coming weekend! Taylor and I are leaving on Wednesday to drive to Mississippi. My husband is not one to do suprises very often, so I'm trying to soak this one in. He is taking me somewhere this weekend for my birthday (which is the 5th of November)...and I have no idea where it is going to be. I can assume its close to home since we are able to go to Mississippi first, but thats all I know.

On Wednesday we are going to Jackson first, and I am going to get to see some old friends that I worked with in Jackson at UMC. I'm so excited to see them. They will always be my first group of PICU friends, and will always have a special place in my heart. They were there for me at Kinsey's services...and that meant so much to me. To look up and see them there was very comforting to me, and I hope that they all know that. I will never forget it.

My brother also lives in the Jackson area now, and we will be meeting up with him as well. It will be great to see him again too. After we leave Jackson, we will go to my parents in Brookhaven. We have not been able to go to the cemetary since we were last in Brookhaven...so that is one of the first places we will go. Her headstone is in now, and we are ready to see it. I have heard that it's exactly what we wanted. I know that Kinsey is not really there...but going there will be a time for us to pray and to be there for her. It's going to be hard to go there, but at the same time I can't wait to be there. My family has been going almost every day and keeping flowers there all the time...and of course Hobo is out there too.

There is something else that I have been meaning to post about...but just haven't yet. Taylor got me a Jack Russell puppy when we got back home to Arkansas. In a way she has been a Godsend to me. She gave me something to take care of and something to hold. There is nothing more empty than the arms of a Mother who has lost her child....and holding Macey has helped me. She of course is a puppy who has no idea of all we have been through, but she loves us unconditionally...and definately keeps us moving. It's true what they say about Jack Russell puppies being hyper! She is wild at times and lazy at others...but I have to say that she is definately high maintaince all the time! This weekend will be our first time without her...she has to spend the week at the Vet. Brooks will be there to keep her company...and I know that all the people who work at our Vets office are going to spoil her while we are gone, so I know she is in good hands...but we will miss her!

I wanted to take this time to again say thank you to all of you who have been there for Taylor and I, you all mean so much to us....and we will never forget it. I'm going to go and start packing for our trip!

I love you all....and God Bless.

Kinsey, we love you and miss you all the time.

Butterflies, Ladybugs and Hobo

Its been days since my last post...not because I haven't been wanting to write, its just that sometimes its such an emotional toll and I just haven't been able to do it...I kind of have to prepare myself sometimes to post. Other times I don't, just changes day to day.

I have been wanting to post some pictures and talk a little about Kinsey's service....and about some things that happened in between. Some of you were there, and I am so grateful that you were. For those that were not able to be there, this will give you a little insight.

I can't tell you many people were there to support us and to see Kinsey. So many people and we appreciate and love every one of you. I know now thinking back that I was in a state of shock for days after I gave birth to Kinsey. I guess it was my body kicking in a sort of coping mechanism to save me....and I'm sure that all the medicine I was taking had a part in it as well.

I can remember talking to some people in Brookhaven at the services, and then there are other people that I know that I talked to...but for the life of me I can't remember it.

There was one thing in particular that happened to us, in one of the worst possible times. I think it was God's way of sending us a little comfort. It was something simple, yet it meant a lot to us. We were at my church, at the cemetary....doing something that I never even fathomed would happen. We were picking a place to bury Kinsey, it was so hard...so surreal.

As we were walking around the cemetary a little solid black Lab puppy walked up and started following us around. He was so cute, and Taylor and I both love dogs anyway. He stayed out there with us the whole time....and after we picked out a resting place we all stood in a circle and had a prayer. Guess who walked up and stood in the circle in during the prayer...yep, the little lab puppy.

We have since found out that he belongs to our friends Roger and Kathi who live right next door to the church. They named him Hobo. He got his name because he was a stray who just stumbled up one day and wouldn't leave...long story short, Hobo has been hit by a car twice and lived to tell about it. I believe that Hobo survived for a purpose, to give Taylor and I a little comfort that day when we needed it. We think of him as Kinsey's puppy...always visiting her and looking over things.

The day of Kinsey's service, Taylor did something for Kinsey and me that to this day will never forget. He somehow thought to order a box full of Butterflies! They were Monarch Butterflies....and after the last words were said at the cemetary that morning, we opened the box and let them go. They were so beautiful, and I know that Kinsey watched them all fly around. To this day and for the rest of my life, when I see a Butterfly...I will think of my Kinsey.

It goes back a long way for Taylor and I...but we have had this thing about Ladybugs. We even decorated Kinsey's nursery with ladybugs...its so pretty. Taylor ordered Ladybugs too...they just didn't get to us in time for the service. But that was okay, because they arrived a few days later.

After the services were done, and we went back home...Taylor and I decided to drive down to New Orleans just to get away and be alone. I definately was not physically able to do much, but we just wanted to go.
I am so glad we did, because it was really good for both of us. We stayed at the Omni Royal Orleans, only a couple of blocks from Jackson Square...and it was wonderful. It was August in N.O., so it was really HOT...but there was a storm in the Gulf (imagine that) so it was a little cooler that usual.
We spent most of our time walking around to shops and places to eat, just soaking up New Orleans. I would have loved to take Kinsey there, to the zoo and the aquarium....she would have loved it as much as we do I'm sure. I know though that she was there with us the whole time.

One thing that Taylor wanted to do was get a haircut and an old fashioned shave...with a straight razor! He had never been to an old time barber shop, so with the help of the Omni...I found him one. Ernie's... He loved it. Kinsey was laughing at him I'm sure.

The last night we were there Taylor took me on a private carriage ride through the city. I've been carriage rides in New Orleans before, but this was the first private one. The girl giving the carriage ride tour was great, and reminded me a lot of a good friend of mine from New Orleans...(Lisa).

Something I will always remember from this trip was visiting the St. Louis Cathedral in the Square. We went there every day and lit a candle for Kinsey each time we were there, saying a prayer for our daughter together. I will have that memory forever. St. Louis Cathedral is the oldest cathedral in North America, beautiful isn't it. A perfect place to light a candle for our daughter.

We stayed two nights in N.O. and then headed back to Brookhaven that morning. It was starting to get pretty hot down there... so after a breakfast of Cafe du Monde beignets and coffee we went home.

This was in no way a vacation...but a time to get away and be with each other and our thoughts and memories of our daughter, and it was a good decision to just get away.

When we got back to Brookhaven, of course the main place we wanted to go...was to the cemetary to be with Kinsey. We know that she is not really there, she is in Heaven above...but its the place now where we can go to be close to her.
Taylor had one more suprise for me when we got home. He had bought 1500 Ladybugs! You keep them in the refrigerator of all places until you wake them up to set them free. So my parents had ladybugs in the crisper for 2 days until we got home!
We went to the cemetary that evening as the sun was about to set. There were still so many flowers there..and of course Hobo.

We placed Ladybugs there with Kinsey...they were so pretty, they were crawling around the flowers and flying around. It was so amazing to do that for Kinsey, and for Taylor to get them for us. We also left a few Ladybugs at my parent's house in the garden...and then brought the rest to our garden in Arkansas. That way, we all have Ladybugs with us.

I will never look at a Ladybug or a Butterfly the same way again. I know that everytime I see one, its Kinsey telling me that she is okay...that she is watching over us and she always will be, until we can be with her again.