Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Its been awhile...

It has been awhile since my last post, and alot has happened since then....

I have to say that its been 3 months since I gave birth to Kinsey...and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes it dosen't seem real..kind of like a dream. We looked forward to meeting her for so long, and we still have everything here ready for her. Her room is just as it was, and I'm sure it will be for some time. Some people probably think that they wouldn't be able to go in her nursery, but although its hard sometimes....I feel close to her in there. I go in from time to time to just be alone and think of her, talk to her and pray. I know that she can hear and see me in there talking to her, and that one day...we will be together again. And she can tell me all about Heaven and what its been like for her there. Never knowing sin, never knowing pain, never knowing suffering....I can truly say and believe that although I would always rather have Kinsey here with me, that I am comforted by the thoughts of where she truly is this very second. There is nowhere else better than that.

Just to say a few things that have happened lately, I have finally started back at work. I actually went back on Oct. 4th...(my Mom's Bday), and this weekend was my 4th weekend to work. It was so hard to go back. I'm sure that any job is hard to go back to, but with my job....it was 10 times as hard. I am blessed though to work with some amazing people. A group of people that have been there for me when I needed them, and left me to myself when I needed that too. God truly blessed me with their friendship.

They all got together and gave me something that I never take off...a pair of ruby earrings ( July's Birthstone) to honor Kinsey. I can't thank them enough, and I want all of you that I work with that are reading this... to know how much I love you all, and how much your friendship and support have sustained me.

Being back at work and around children has been tough....sometimes a little more than I can take. But the ones at work with me have helped me to only take the patients that I am comfortable with, the bigger kids and teenagers. I think I do better with taking care of boys rather than girls as well. Just to have something totally different, so that I won't be able to tie my patient to my daughter. It will be some time before I can take care of an infant.
Its hard enough to be surrounded by rooms that are filled with babies that are sick and suffering, and by the families that are there. I can relate to them way too much now...I know what they are feeling, and its very draining. I am only working 2 twelve hour nights a week, and by the end of that second night...I'm done. Its not just a physical draining now, its emotional.
I was excited about finishing up this weekend at work...because I don't have to go back this coming weekend! Taylor and I are leaving on Wednesday to drive to Mississippi. My husband is not one to do suprises very often, so I'm trying to soak this one in. He is taking me somewhere this weekend for my birthday (which is the 5th of November)...and I have no idea where it is going to be. I can assume its close to home since we are able to go to Mississippi first, but thats all I know.

On Wednesday we are going to Jackson first, and I am going to get to see some old friends that I worked with in Jackson at UMC. I'm so excited to see them. They will always be my first group of PICU friends, and will always have a special place in my heart. They were there for me at Kinsey's services...and that meant so much to me. To look up and see them there was very comforting to me, and I hope that they all know that. I will never forget it.

My brother also lives in the Jackson area now, and we will be meeting up with him as well. It will be great to see him again too. After we leave Jackson, we will go to my parents in Brookhaven. We have not been able to go to the cemetary since we were last in Brookhaven...so that is one of the first places we will go. Her headstone is in now, and we are ready to see it. I have heard that it's exactly what we wanted. I know that Kinsey is not really there...but going there will be a time for us to pray and to be there for her. It's going to be hard to go there, but at the same time I can't wait to be there. My family has been going almost every day and keeping flowers there all the time...and of course Hobo is out there too.
There is something else that I have been meaning to post about...but just haven't yet. Taylor got me a Jack Russell puppy when we got back home to Arkansas. In a way she has been a Godsend to me. She gave me something to take care of and something to hold. There is nothing more empty than the arms of a Mother who has lost her child....and holding Macey has helped me. She of course is a puppy who has no idea of all we have been through, but she loves us unconditionally...and definately keeps us moving. It's true what they say about Jack Russell puppies being hyper! She is wild at times and lazy at others...but I have to say that she is definately high maintaince all the time! This weekend will be our first time without her...she has to spend the week at the Vet. Brooks will be there to keep her company...and I know that all the people who work at our Vets office are going to spoil her while we are gone, so I know she is in good hands...but we will miss her!







I wanted to take this time to again say thank you to all of you who have been there for Taylor and I, you all mean so much to us....and we will never forget it. I'm going to go and start packing for our trip!

I love you all....and God Bless.
Kinsey, we love you and miss you all the time.



9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kristi & Taylor,
I hope you both know how much you are loved and cared for. I'm sure at times that you feel like you are alone...just know that we are always here for you. We may not know your pain, but we can be your friend. Right know that is all most of know to do, just be here for you. I hope that God will bring you peace at work. I cant imagine your emotions that you must feel every time you come to work. We continue to pray for you all & miss Kinsey as much as always. Have a wonderful & safe trip!
love ya,
heather

Carrie Gray said...

Kristi, I'm so glad you liked the ruby earrings. We thought long and hard on soemthing special for you to always remember Kinsey and know that your friends at the ACH PICU will always remember her too. I looked on your blog earlier today and nothing so I was happily surprised when Heather told me you posted. I can't wait to hear what Taylor has planned for you. I'm with Heather you konw you can count on me to go to nicu for you. Anything that will help you, Kristi, I'm willing to do. A day doesn't go I don't prayer for God to help you with your pain. Have a safe and happy birthday,Kinsey Grace will be shinning on you on your special day.
Carrie

Anita Wlson said...

Kristi,
I hope to see you when you are in Brookhaven. I am still praying for you and Taylor daily. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. I know that God is in control though and that your precious baby girl is in good hands. Those mighty hands! I too have a Jack Russell. Her name is "Trixie". She is almost 2 and is still as hyper as she was when she was a pup... Miss seeing you and spending time with you. Remember Brady my son? He is 12 now and looks me eye to eye. Bailey, my daughter is 7 now. They are praying for you too. I tell Brady stories about us playing softball together and you keeping him when he was a little tot.. Remember how hot ya got because the air was not turned on...
I have a motto on my class web page.. I want to share it with you... The task ahead of you is NEVER greater that the POWER behind you.
Much love! Anita JAne

Anita Wilson said...

Kristi,
I hope to see you when you are in Brookhaven. I am still praying for you and Taylor daily. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. I know that God is in control though and that your precious baby girl is in good hands. Those mighty hands! I too have a Jack Russell. Her name is "Trixie". She is almost 2 and is still as hyper as she was when she was a pup... Miss seeing you and spending time with you. Remember Brady my son? He is 12 now and looks me eye to eye. Bailey, my daughter is 7 now. They are praying for you too. I tell Brady stories about us playing softball together and you keeping him when he was a little tot.. Remember how hot ya got because the air was not turned on...Bailey loves softball too... she said she wishes she could have seen us play...
I have a motto on my class web page..(http://www.schoolnotes.com/39601/awilson.html) I want to share it with you... The task ahead of you is NEVER greater that the POWER behind you.
Much love! Anita JAne

Carrie Gray said...

I also meant to mention that Macey is a doll, I'm sure she keeps you busy. Also, I love the new song you've put on, the one playing first.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kristy. I hope you know how much us PICU girls love you. We are so glad that you are back at work but know that it is very hard for you to be there...I am so glad that Taylor got you a puppy! We will miss you this weekend. Have a good trip.
**I will bring the photos next weekend for you.

Wendy

shannon said...

I know what you mean about sometimes it not seeming real.. I keep waiting to wake up from the nightmare myself.. it sucks that this is our reality. But we move on, not only for ourselves but for those sweet babies we're missing. They wouldn't want their parents to be mopey messes - all the time, right?! I hope you have a fun trip! Take care,
Shannon (a fellow grieving momma from MDC)

Darlee said...

Hi Kristi and Taylor,

I found your blog via Bring The Rain and I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the gut wrenching pain you have been feeling. Kinsey was so beautiful. She's safe, and warm and lacking nothing...in the arms of Jesus. I will pray for your family, prayers of comfort and strength. God bless you all.

Darlee

Anonymous said...

Kristi,

Let me begin by saying I am sooooo sorry... I had no idea. I have no words....I can't imagine what you have been through, but I have loved reading your posts and the faith you have shown through your words. I will pray for you and your family, that God will give you comfort, healing and the ability to move forward while always carrying your daughter with you.

Again, I'm so sorry for my blunder....

God Bless You!

Mark Cloud