I have to say that its been 3 months since I gave birth to Kinsey...and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes it dosen't seem real..kind of like a dream. We looked forward to meeting her for so long, and we still have everything here ready for her. Her room is just as it was, and I'm sure it will be for some time. Some people probably think that they wouldn't be able to go in her nursery, but although its hard sometimes....I feel close to her in there. I go in from time to time to just be alone and think of her, talk to her and pray. I know that she can hear and see me in there talking to her, and that one day...we will be together again. And she can tell me all about Heaven and what its been like for her there. Never knowing sin, never knowing pain, never knowing suffering....I can truly say and believe that although I would always rather have Kinsey here with me, that I am comforted by the thoughts of where she truly is this very second. There is nowhere else better than that.
Just to say a few things that have happened lately, I have finally started back at work. I actually went back on Oct. 4th...(my Mom's Bday), and this weekend was my 4th weekend to work. It was so hard to go back. I'm sure that any job is hard to go back to, but with my job....it was 10 times as hard. I am blessed though to work with some amazing people. A group of people that have been there for me when I needed them, and left me to myself when I needed that too. God truly blessed me with their friendship.
They all got together and gave me something that I never take off...a pair of ruby earrings ( July's Birthstone) to honor Kinsey. I can't thank them enough, and I want all of you that I work with that are reading this... to know how much I love you all, and how much your friendship and support have sustained me.
Being back at work and around children has been tough....sometimes a little more than I can take. But the ones at work with me have helped me to only take the patients that I am comfortable with, the bigger kids and teenagers. I think I do better with taking care of boys rather than girls as well. Just to have something totally different, so that I won't be able to tie my patient to my daughter. It will be some time before I can take care of an infant.
Its hard enough to be surrounded by rooms that are filled with babies that are sick and suffering, and by the families that are there. I can relate to them way too much now...I know what they are feeling, and its very draining. I am only working 2 twelve hour nights a week, and by the end of that second night...I'm done. Its not just a physical draining now, its emotional.
I was excited about finishing up this weekend at work...because I don't have to go back this coming weekend! Taylor and I are leaving on Wednesday to drive to Mississippi. My husband is not one to do suprises very often, so I'm trying to soak this one in. He is taking me somewhere this weekend for my birthday (which is the 5th of November)...and I have no idea where it is going to be. I can assume its close to home since we are able to go to Mississippi first, but thats all I know.
On Wednesday we are going to Jackson first, and I am going to get to see some old friends that I worked with in Jackson at UMC. I'm so excited to see them. They will always be my first group of PICU friends, and will always have a special place in my heart. They were there for me at Kinsey's services...and that meant so much to me. To look up and see them there was very comforting to me, and I hope that they all know that. I will never forget it.
My brother also lives in the Jackson area now, and we will be meeting up with him as well. It will be great to see him again too. After we leave Jackson, we will go to my parents in Brookhaven. We have not been able to go to the cemetary since we were last in Brookhaven...so that is one of the first places we will go. Her headstone is in now, and we are ready to see it. I have heard that it's exactly what we wanted. I know that Kinsey is not really there...but going there will be a time for us to pray and to be there for her. It's going to be hard to go there, but at the same time I can't wait to be there. My family has been going almost every day and keeping flowers there all the time...and of course Hobo is out there too.
There is something else that I have been meaning to post about...but just haven't yet. Taylor got me a Jack Russell puppy when we got back home to Arkansas. In a way she has been a Godsend to me. She gave me something to take care of and something to hold. There is nothing more empty than the arms of a Mother who has lost her child....and holding Macey has helped me. She of course is a puppy who has no idea of all we have been through, but she loves us unconditionally...and definately keeps us moving. It's true what they say about Jack Russell puppies being hyper! She is wild at times and lazy at others...but I have to say that she is definately high maintaince all the time! This weekend will be our first time without her...she has to spend the week at the Vet. Brooks will be there to keep her company...and I know that all the people who work at our Vets office are going to spoil her while we are gone, so I know she is in good hands...but we will miss her!
I wanted to take this time to again say thank you to all of you who have been there for Taylor and I, you all mean so much to us....and we will never forget it. I'm going to go and start packing for our trip!
I love you all....and God Bless.
Kinsey, we love you and miss you all the time.