Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Its been awhile...

It has been awhile since my last post, and alot has happened since then....

I have to say that its been 3 months since I gave birth to Kinsey...and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes it dosen't seem real..kind of like a dream. We looked forward to meeting her for so long, and we still have everything here ready for her. Her room is just as it was, and I'm sure it will be for some time. Some people probably think that they wouldn't be able to go in her nursery, but although its hard sometimes....I feel close to her in there. I go in from time to time to just be alone and think of her, talk to her and pray. I know that she can hear and see me in there talking to her, and that one day...we will be together again. And she can tell me all about Heaven and what its been like for her there. Never knowing sin, never knowing pain, never knowing suffering....I can truly say and believe that although I would always rather have Kinsey here with me, that I am comforted by the thoughts of where she truly is this very second. There is nowhere else better than that.

Just to say a few things that have happened lately, I have finally started back at work. I actually went back on Oct. 4th...(my Mom's Bday), and this weekend was my 4th weekend to work. It was so hard to go back. I'm sure that any job is hard to go back to, but with my job....it was 10 times as hard. I am blessed though to work with some amazing people. A group of people that have been there for me when I needed them, and left me to myself when I needed that too. God truly blessed me with their friendship.

They all got together and gave me something that I never take off...a pair of ruby earrings ( July's Birthstone) to honor Kinsey. I can't thank them enough, and I want all of you that I work with that are reading this... to know how much I love you all, and how much your friendship and support have sustained me.

Being back at work and around children has been tough....sometimes a little more than I can take. But the ones at work with me have helped me to only take the patients that I am comfortable with, the bigger kids and teenagers. I think I do better with taking care of boys rather than girls as well. Just to have something totally different, so that I won't be able to tie my patient to my daughter. It will be some time before I can take care of an infant.
Its hard enough to be surrounded by rooms that are filled with babies that are sick and suffering, and by the families that are there. I can relate to them way too much now...I know what they are feeling, and its very draining. I am only working 2 twelve hour nights a week, and by the end of that second night...I'm done. Its not just a physical draining now, its emotional.
I was excited about finishing up this weekend at work...because I don't have to go back this coming weekend! Taylor and I are leaving on Wednesday to drive to Mississippi. My husband is not one to do suprises very often, so I'm trying to soak this one in. He is taking me somewhere this weekend for my birthday (which is the 5th of November)...and I have no idea where it is going to be. I can assume its close to home since we are able to go to Mississippi first, but thats all I know.

On Wednesday we are going to Jackson first, and I am going to get to see some old friends that I worked with in Jackson at UMC. I'm so excited to see them. They will always be my first group of PICU friends, and will always have a special place in my heart. They were there for me at Kinsey's services...and that meant so much to me. To look up and see them there was very comforting to me, and I hope that they all know that. I will never forget it.

My brother also lives in the Jackson area now, and we will be meeting up with him as well. It will be great to see him again too. After we leave Jackson, we will go to my parents in Brookhaven. We have not been able to go to the cemetary since we were last in Brookhaven...so that is one of the first places we will go. Her headstone is in now, and we are ready to see it. I have heard that it's exactly what we wanted. I know that Kinsey is not really there...but going there will be a time for us to pray and to be there for her. It's going to be hard to go there, but at the same time I can't wait to be there. My family has been going almost every day and keeping flowers there all the time...and of course Hobo is out there too.
There is something else that I have been meaning to post about...but just haven't yet. Taylor got me a Jack Russell puppy when we got back home to Arkansas. In a way she has been a Godsend to me. She gave me something to take care of and something to hold. There is nothing more empty than the arms of a Mother who has lost her child....and holding Macey has helped me. She of course is a puppy who has no idea of all we have been through, but she loves us unconditionally...and definately keeps us moving. It's true what they say about Jack Russell puppies being hyper! She is wild at times and lazy at others...but I have to say that she is definately high maintaince all the time! This weekend will be our first time without her...she has to spend the week at the Vet. Brooks will be there to keep her company...and I know that all the people who work at our Vets office are going to spoil her while we are gone, so I know she is in good hands...but we will miss her!

I wanted to take this time to again say thank you to all of you who have been there for Taylor and I, you all mean so much to us....and we will never forget it. I'm going to go and start packing for our trip!

I love you all....and God Bless.
Kinsey, we love you and miss you all the time.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Butterflies, Ladybugs and Hobo

Its been days since my last post...not because I haven't been wanting to write, its just that sometimes its such an emotional toll and I just haven't been able to do it...I kind of have to prepare myself sometimes to post. Other times I don't, just changes day to day.

I have been wanting to post some pictures and talk a little about Kinsey's service....and about some things that happened in between. Some of you were there, and I am so grateful that you were. For those that were not able to be there, this will give you a little insight.

I can't tell you many people were there to support us and to see Kinsey. So many people and we appreciate and love every one of you. I know now thinking back that I was in a state of shock for days after I gave birth to Kinsey. I guess it was my body kicking in a sort of coping mechanism to save me....and I'm sure that all the medicine I was taking had a part in it as well.

I can remember talking to some people in Brookhaven at the services, and then there are other people that I know that I talked to...but for the life of me I can't remember it.

There was one thing in particular that happened to us, in one of the worst possible times. I think it was God's way of sending us a little comfort. It was something simple, yet it meant a lot to us. We were at my church, at the cemetary....doing something that I never even fathomed would happen. We were picking a place to bury Kinsey, it was so hard...so surreal.

As we were walking around the cemetary a little solid black Lab puppy walked up and started following us around. He was so cute, and Taylor and I both love dogs anyway. He stayed out there with us the whole time....and after we picked out a resting place we all stood in a circle and had a prayer. Guess who walked up and stood in the circle in during the prayer...yep, the little lab puppy.

We have since found out that he belongs to our friends Roger and Kathi who live right next door to the church. They named him Hobo. He got his name because he was a stray who just stumbled up one day and wouldn't leave...long story short, Hobo has been hit by a car twice and lived to tell about it. I believe that Hobo survived for a purpose, to give Taylor and I a little comfort that day when we needed it. We think of him as Kinsey's puppy...always visiting her and looking over things.

The day of Kinsey's service, Taylor did something for Kinsey and me that to this day will never forget. He somehow thought to order a box full of Butterflies! They were Monarch Butterflies....and after the last words were said at the cemetary that morning, we opened the box and let them go. They were so beautiful, and I know that Kinsey watched them all fly around. To this day and for the rest of my life, when I see a Butterfly...I will think of my Kinsey.

It goes back a long way for Taylor and I...but we have had this thing about Ladybugs. We even decorated Kinsey's nursery with ladybugs...its so pretty. Taylor ordered Ladybugs too...they just didn't get to us in time for the service. But that was okay, because they arrived a few days later.

After the services were done, and we went back home...Taylor and I decided to drive down to New Orleans just to get away and be alone. I definately was not physically able to do much, but we just wanted to go.
I am so glad we did, because it was really good for both of us. We stayed at the Omni Royal Orleans, only a couple of blocks from Jackson Square...and it was wonderful. It was August in N.O., so it was really HOT...but there was a storm in the Gulf (imagine that) so it was a little cooler that usual.
We spent most of our time walking around to shops and places to eat, just soaking up New Orleans. I would have loved to take Kinsey there, to the zoo and the aquarium....she would have loved it as much as we do I'm sure. I know though that she was there with us the whole time.

One thing that Taylor wanted to do was get a haircut and an old fashioned shave...with a straight razor! He had never been to an old time barber shop, so with the help of the Omni...I found him one. Ernie's... He loved it. Kinsey was laughing at him I'm sure.

The last night we were there Taylor took me on a private carriage ride through the city. I've been carriage rides in New Orleans before, but this was the first private one. The girl giving the carriage ride tour was great, and reminded me a lot of a good friend of mine from New Orleans...(Lisa).

Something I will always remember from this trip was visiting the St. Louis Cathedral in the Square. We went there every day and lit a candle for Kinsey each time we were there, saying a prayer for our daughter together. I will have that memory forever. St. Louis Cathedral is the oldest cathedral in North America, beautiful isn't it. A perfect place to light a candle for our daughter.

We stayed two nights in N.O. and then headed back to Brookhaven that morning. It was starting to get pretty hot down there... so after a breakfast of Cafe du Monde beignets and coffee we went home.

This was in no way a vacation...but a time to get away and be with each other and our thoughts and memories of our daughter, and it was a good decision to just get away.

When we got back to Brookhaven, of course the main place we wanted to go...was to the cemetary to be with Kinsey. We know that she is not really there, she is in Heaven above...but its the place now where we can go to be close to her.
Taylor had one more suprise for me when we got home. He had bought 1500 Ladybugs! You keep them in the refrigerator of all places until you wake them up to set them free. So my parents had ladybugs in the crisper for 2 days until we got home!
We went to the cemetary that evening as the sun was about to set. There were still so many flowers there..and of course Hobo.

We placed Ladybugs there with Kinsey...they were so pretty, they were crawling around the flowers and flying around. It was so amazing to do that for Kinsey, and for Taylor to get them for us. We also left a few Ladybugs at my parent's house in the garden...and then brought the rest to our garden in Arkansas. That way, we all have Ladybugs with us.
I will never look at a Ladybug or a Butterfly the same way again. I know that everytime I see one, its Kinsey telling me that she is okay...that she is watching over us and she always will be, until we can be with her again.