Back at Home... without our Little Man (July 20th, 2009)

Taylor and I made it back to Arkansas yesterday. It wasn't a bad drive, but it does get long. Our Jack Russell Macey made the trip with us. We stopped a few times to walk around and got home around 3pm.

Walking in the house was pretty emotional for me. Lots of Gray Man memories. I love the memories though... I am so thankful that I have them. But it does not take away the hurt. I miss him so much... his smell, his sounds, the feel of him laying on my chest....and of course I miss kissing him on top of the head. That was one of my favorite things to do.

It all hits you in the face when you come in the house and see his things. I didn't want anything put up before we left here though. I wanted all of his things exactly where I left them. I wanted to be the one to pick up after him, his Mom. I think the thing that affected me the most was seeing his bed, his little Snuggle Nest. Gray slept between Taylor and I, in our bed. It was a special little bed made so that we could do that. He loved it.. it had a heartbeat sound, and music..as well as a little nightlight. Seeing that still in the middle of the bed was very emotional for me. Honestly, I wanted to just leave it there. However, I knew that I couldn't leave it there forever. No matter how much I wanted to do that.

Of course when Grayson was here, I really never slept. The only time I slept was when I accidentally dozed off for a few minutes at a time. I think it was just a Higher Power helping me to stay awake...because Gray needed me there. I just wanted to do everything I could for him while he was here. I wanted to know that I didn't miss any time with him.

I just want him back so badly. I got the chance to do with him what I missed with Kinsey. In a way, it brought back all the hurt from losing her...I really got to experience what I missed with her. I got to know Grayson, to see his little personality. I remember his smell, his sounds....all things that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Taylor and I both got to know our Little GrayMan... and it was such a blessing to us.

Taylor did such a great job here on the blog while I was not able to post. I spent every second with Gray, so he took over things. It helped him more than I think he ever thought it would. He really was touched by every one's expressions of support for us.

I saw so many compliments for him in his posts... I don't know if I can be as good as he was! He did a great job keeping everyone updated, and touched so many people by his post for Gray.

We are both still overwhelmed by all of the support and love and prayers we have received from all over the world.

When I started this blog, it was basically to keep family and friends updated. We never could have dreamed how many people and lives our children have touched. They have done more in their short lives than Taylor and I have been able to do our whole time here on this earth. It gives me some sense of comfort...knowing that they have touched so many.

I can't thank you all enough...from the bottom of my heart. All of the comments we have received have helped to keep us going. They have helped our hearts. We have such a long journey to take, such a long time to start healing. We will NEVER get over this...its not something you ever "get over", and we don't want to. We just have to learn how to keep living.

I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I pray that God will show me the way.

All I know to do right now is take things an hour, a day at a time. I just want them both back so badly... it physically hurts.

I know that they don't want to come back...even though we want them to be here with us. I can only pray that God's Grace will help us to be with them again one day. It is the main thing I strive for...to someday after this life, be reunited with our children.

In the words of "Mercy Me"...I've never been more Homesick, than now.

Godspeed.