Anonymous

I just wanted to say to please remember to sign your comments to us if you post it as anonymous...(especially if we know you personally)...so that we know who to thank or who to get back to. There was a great comment today from someone who just found out about Kinsey...but I don't know who it was because they forgot to sign. If you read this, please let me know who you are.
We have really loved all the comments...and they continue to lift me up.
God bless all of you.

The way to treat a Mother who is grieving

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

"Lord, make something beautiful out of all this suffering...."




The lady singing in this video actually lost her infant son. They lost him to SIDS. The words in this song are amazing, and are an inspiration to me... Remember to stop the music in the playlist before watching.

Just Breathe....

Its been awhile since I last posted anything here. I know that some friends have asked about me since there have been no updates lately....I'm surviving, I'm here..
Thats something I have thought about lately. What do I say when someone asks how I am? I'm not what I would call "okay"..... So, I decided to say that I'm surviving, I'm here. I'm getting up in the morning, getting dressed, putting on makeup and breathing.

I have two very good friends in Clinton, Mississippi that I used to work with at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. Their names are Russ and Julie. They have been married for some time now, and they are the couple that I took my first travel assignment with in St. Paul, Minnesota. Russ and Julie had a little girl named Sarah who was stillborn. It was a total shock to them...(sound familiar?)
They went to see their OB and had their bags packed for the hospital just in case. If she had been dilated any at all, her OB was going to induce. Julie's pregnancy had been fine without complications up to this point. When they got in the office they did an ultrasound...and could not find a heartbeat. They did induce Julie, but she and Russ didn't get to take their daughter home either.

When we were at home in Brookhaven at Kinsey's visitation Friday night, I looked up from the couch where I was sitting (right next to Kinsey)...and I saw Julie and Russ standing there. I had been thinking about them, and wanting to talk to them...but just figured that I would get to that much later down the road. I can't tell you how great it was to see them.

God works in ways we can never fathom. They didn't plan on being at Kinsey's visitation, they in fact had just heard about us. Julie's Mom lives in Brookhaven...and they just happened to be coming through town dropping off their dog at her Mom's house, while they went out of town. Mrs. Dolly (Julie's Mom) had read about Kinsey in the newspaper and told them about what had happened.
I don't think that they were just there by luck....I believe that God sent them there, it was just too coincidental. They have been a source of strength for me...and will continue to be I'm sure.

Russ said something to me that I will never forget. They knew how in pain I was, and how in shock I was...they had been there. He said, "Just Breathe...thats all you have to do, Just Breathe. " And he was right. Thats what I did. Thats what Taylor did. Thats what my family did. Thats all we had the strength to do.

I still don't really know how I have made it through these 7 1/2 weeks. It dosen't seem real sometimes. I can't say that I have made it through a day yet without crying...and thats okay with me. I'm just suprised that I have made it this far without totally going insane. Taylor and I have been able to have some time together, and I have also been able to have some time to myself. I needed the time alone and with Taylor...I didn't have the energy to do anything else.
It really has been a challenge to just do everyday things. For awhile I just didn't want to get up, or to talk. I had no interest in doing anything I usually enjoyed doing. All I wanted to do was sit there. I just wanted to be alone, or with Taylor...everything else just required to much effort.

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am right now. By God's Grace I am here and surviving. Taylor went back to work 2 weeks ago, it was hard for him but he has done okay. He tends to always be doing something when he is off work too, it keeps your mind busy.

This week I started doing things around the house. I'm feeling a little better physically and able to be more active...so it has been nice to just do things. We cleaned out our garage on Tuesday and spent the entire day outside with the dogs. The weather was great, and it just felt good to be outside. The rest of the week I found things to do. I even cleaned out closets... I took 3 bags of clothes to Goodwill yesterday.

I have this feeling that I need to be doing something, so I have kept myself busy with work around the house. But I know what the feeling is.... Its the feeling that I'm not doing something, that I'm missing something. I'm physically and emotionally feeling that I should be taking care of Kinsey right now. I should be taking care of our baby. Changing diapers, making bottles, washing onsies, watching Taylor play with his daughter...and learning to be a Mama. Thats what I'm missing. So I will keep trying to keep myself busy, we will keep ourselves going. We don't really know what else to do. I miss her just as much right now as the day I gave birth to her...if not more.

Everything we have done and planned for the last year was to get ready for her. She was our reason for planning and painting, and decorating, and shopping. We have a nursery in the house that is empty, it's just not right. Kinsey is always on my mind, every minute.

We have to continue to trust God and hold onto our faith and each other. Thats all I know to do. Thats what has gotten me this far. So I'm surviving...we both are. Are we "okay?"... I don't know. I know things will never be the same here, and I've come to realize that thats okay. I have a totally different perspective on grief than I used to have. Its not something that will ever go away, its something that actually becomes a part of you.

I've said before that Kinsey's death is not something that I will ever "get over"...I don't want to, but I do pray that I can become stronger. Stronger emotionally, and stonger in my Faith. I have always had the desire to be a better Christian...to have a home in Heaven one day with Jesus. I now have another reason to live life in the way that He would have me live it....to be with our daughter again.

Russ and Julie survived...and are a source of hope and strength to me...as are others who have survived losing a baby. They still love and miss Sarah everyday....they were blessed 7 months ago with another baby girl, and this time they got to take her home.

It will be 8 weeks to the day this Monday, and it still seems like yesterday. Kinsey...Mama and Daddy miss you and love you so much. Watch over us until we can be with you again.
Goodnight.

This song was written by Angie Smith, and the only way to hear it is by watching the video on YouTube. It is a song that has really helped me. I do believe that I was blessed by carrying Kinsey while she was here in this world...and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o&feature=related

I Will Carry You



There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness But I know

That the silence Has brought me to His voice

And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you



by...Angie Smith

What makes a Mother

I read this poem last night and it provided a little comfort, the thought of her visiting me here on earth...while it might sound weird to some...it actually makes me feel better. Yesterday was 6 weeks to the day since Kinsey was here with us, I miss her every second of every day.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik

We said Hello at the same time that we said Goodbye

It was around 5pm, and they had just told me that I was at 10 cm....I knew what that meant. Taylor and I had my Mom, Dad and my cousin Peyton there with us. I asked everyone to leave at that time, because I just wanted it to be me and Taylor there at delivery. I didn't want a room full of people there watching me push....and I didn't want anyone else there in case something went wrong. I don't know if that was my subconscious mind knowing that something was not right....
I know that it wasn't exactly a normal delivery, but it wasn't anything that they had not seen and dealt with in the past. Kinsey was a "brow presentation" as they call it. They did say that it would be harder to deliver her, but that it was something that should not cause any problems. Everything had been fine up until the last 30 minutes of labor.
I got nervous when the oxygen mask was placed on me..., but they wanted more oxygen to get to her. Kinsey starting having decels (heartrate drops) but she always recovered....its not that uncommon for a baby to have decels during this part of delivery, as long as they could recover. Everyone that needed to be there for delivery was there in the room with us. It did cross my mind why they didn't just take me to the OR for a C-section....but she was so close to coming out. I knew that I just needed a few more good pushes to get her here and then it would all be ok.
I pushed back to back, hardly resting at all in between...because I knew it was so close. At 6:30pm she finally arrived...I could see her. They cut the cord and passed her to the Pediatrician. I knew the second I saw her that something wasn't right. I'm sure that Taylor did too. He looked at me and I asked him to go with her. She was just behind the curtain, but I knew what was happening. I know too much about the medical world...and so does Taylor. We knew she wasn't breathing and that they were trying to bag air into her lungs. He walked back over to me with tears in his eyes and said that she didn't have a heartrate. I will never forget the look on his face...and I don't ever want to see that look again.
We both know that they did all they knew to do...but our daughter did not make it. Looking back now, I know that I was in some sort of state of shock. I couldn't believe it. The happiest time and the happiest day of our lives turned to the worst day of our lives in a few short minutes.
I don't know how long it was before they told my family in the waiting room, but it seemed like forever. They all came in, and I can't remember if I was holding Kinsey at that time or not. I can't explain how grateful I was; that we were....that they were there. My parents were strong, but I know how hard it was for them. I'm so grateful for Peyton for being there. She took the pictures that I have come to treasure more than my life. I have no words to explain how thankful I am that they were there for us. Taylor and I couldn't do anything at that time. We couldn't even talk.
They of course brought Kinsey into the room with us and she stayed there with us for as long as we wanted. We held her constantly. She was so perfect, all that I could see of her was perfect. It was what I couldn't see that wasn't. Everyone stayed with us for awhile...we had some friends come to be with us as well. Thank you to Ryan, Jennifer and Ashley. You all helped so much that day, and still do.
We had Kinsey baptised, she was so pretty in her little white dress with the little ducks and birds on it. Everyone left at some point in the night...and it was just Taylor and I there with our little girl. It wasn't long enough. We both held her and kissed her and told her we loved her, and how we had been waiting on her all this time.
I know that she knows all of this, I know that she knows we love her and miss her and want her back here with us. And I know that where she is right now...she dosen't want be here. She will never know anything bad. I know that she is waiting on us, and will be watching over us until we can get there to be with her again.
We still don't know what happened, and we may never know. I pray that someday we will. We had a meeting with our Doctor this week and talked about things that happened in delivery. He went through everything with us step by step, and he has no answers. She should have been okay. We will hear the final results from all of the tests in the next few weeks we hope. The only thing that we know for sure is that her lungs were not normal...they were not able to take in any air. Even though they bagged air into her lungs, they did not work. The histology however was normal, which makes it even more confusing to everyone.
This has been a very emotional post for me, and I'm going to end it now because its just too much at one time. I need some time to remember and to pray....
I miss you Kinsey Grace, me and your Daddy miss you and love you very much.

The last thing I want to post is the lyrics to a song that has really touched Taylor and I. I came across it on a site, and when I heard the words...it sounded like it was written just for us. The name of the song is Smallest Wingless, and its by Craig Cardiff. I have a version of the song here on the blog. Its actually the second song on the music list...........however the version is not my favorite. To hear the version that Taylor and I prefer go to the myspace page of Craig Cardiff. It is:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26500824
The song is in his list of songs on the top right side of the page, you may have to click on the song name to hear it.
This song is just unreal to me....please take the time to listen to it if you can. Please say a prayer for us when you hear it.
Thank you all, and God Bless.
Goodnight.

Smallest Wingless.....
Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no little heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
And held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.

Responses to all of you....

I just wanted to say to you all that I want to, and will respond to everyone of you in time...
Either by email, or phone calls. I have so many people to thank and so many of you that I want to talk to, I will eventually get there.
I just don't want anyone to think that I'm not getting your emails or comments. As I said before, they all mean so much to me...it will just take me time to get to all of you.
We (My family and friends in Mississippi and Louisiana) have been lucky (God blessed) from the Hurricane so far. I pray that is stays that way with the tornados and flooding.
By the way...if you click on the pictures of the slideshow, you can enlarge them.
Love to you all..........and to Kinsey.

The scar will always be there, but just let yourself feel it.

I have had so many things going on the last few days, that I haven't had the time I wanted to update the blog. Between the Memorial service in Shreveport (Thank God we all made it home safely)...and all the chaos with Hurricane Gustav, well lets just say we have been busy. Mrs. Mona's service was beautiful, and she had so many family and friends there. It was hard on everyone, but we made it through. It of course brought back many painful memories, and was just tough. I had many thoughts of Kinsey that day, and I'm sure Taylor, my parents and others did as well. Two funerals way too close together. Two funerals that should have never had to be. Mrs. Mona is in Heaven with Kinsey at this very moment, looking over us all.
My parents left early Sunday morning instead of Monday due to Hurricane Gustav making landfall earlier than expected. Brookhaven, my hometown is just 120 miles north of New Orleans on I-55 South...so we always get massive winds, rain and tornados during hurricanes. Prayers are needed with this hurricane hitting, and God willing all will not be as bad as expected.
I have realized lately that I still am in need of time to myself...or time with just Taylor. I am not to the point where I can be around large groups of people for long periods of time. Its not that I don't want to, or that I don't appreciate everyone...my body and emotional state just hasn't been able to handle it. I find myself getting nervous (which is very unlike me) and finding my way to somewhere where I can be alone. To just be still. I know this will in time change.
Its just that I can't seem to take my mind off of Kinsey and all that has happened. I can do some things that I normally do...I did my Fantasy Football team. (For those of you who know me well, you understand that its a big deal for me) Its just that everything that I do or see reminds me of Kinsey. I want to be reminded...I don't ever not want to think of her, its just that right now it hurts...the pain of the bad memories still stings bitterly. Its the things that I will never get to do with her that are constantly in my head.
For instance something as simple as Fantasy Football. I had been looking forward to holding Kinsey while I did my football draft....I wanted to introduce her to football. I know she would have loved it as much as I do. The reminders are everywhere right now....and thats ok, they just hurt.
I don't ever want to not think or talk about her. She will always be a part of me and Taylor...our firstborn. I know also that it has to be hard for friends and family of ours to know what to say...and I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to talk about her, and it not be a subject that people avoid.
Not talking about her, or avoiding the issue is not a good thing for me. I can't get her out of my mind....so with everything I do, I have her in my head and heart. So a problem I have run into is when we just go on with life as usual. (and at the same time I know that one day, to a certain degree...I will be able to go back to that.) Life is NOT usual for me right now (and it will always be different...things will never be as they once were), so I think that people will just have to bear with me for awhile. I will always be Kinsey's Mama, and Taylor will always be Kinsey's Daddy...so in that respect our lives have changed forever....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I need people to just be there...even if I need to be alone....thats the best thing I could ask for.
A very good friend of mine in Mississippi (a true New Orleans Lady by birth) sent me an email that I have looked at many times and it has given me a lot of perspective on memories.
She said that a special Aunt of hers told her one time that:
"the pain will get better, but the scar will always be there. Give yourself the time, and years from now... when you feel the scar, it will be okay. But just let yourself feel it. Ours is not to question why, but try to continue to have faith."
Thank you Lisa Manuel.
That pretty much is how I feel right now, and its a point I know I have to get to. I just don't know how long it will take. With the help of God, our family and friends...we will get there one day.
I can't tell you how much all the comments, prayers and emails have meant to me. They have really been keeping me going, I love reading each one of them. I must have read them all over and over...and I am always thankful each time.
I will post more later......God bless you all and thank you again.