Saturday, September 20, 2008

Just Breathe....

Its been awhile since I last posted anything here. I know that some friends have asked about me since there have been no updates lately....I'm surviving, I'm here..
Thats something I have thought about lately. What do I say when someone asks how I am? I'm not what I would call "okay"..... So, I decided to say that I'm surviving, I'm here. I'm getting up in the morning, getting dressed, putting on makeup and breathing.

I have two very good friends in Clinton, Mississippi that I used to work with at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. Their names are Russ and Julie. They have been married for some time now, and they are the couple that I took my first travel assignment with in St. Paul, Minnesota. Russ and Julie had a little girl named Sarah who was stillborn. It was a total shock to them...(sound familiar?)
They went to see their OB and had their bags packed for the hospital just in case. If she had been dilated any at all, her OB was going to induce. Julie's pregnancy had been fine without complications up to this point. When they got in the office they did an ultrasound...and could not find a heartbeat. They did induce Julie, but she and Russ didn't get to take their daughter home either.

When we were at home in Brookhaven at Kinsey's visitation Friday night, I looked up from the couch where I was sitting (right next to Kinsey)...and I saw Julie and Russ standing there. I had been thinking about them, and wanting to talk to them...but just figured that I would get to that much later down the road. I can't tell you how great it was to see them.

God works in ways we can never fathom. They didn't plan on being at Kinsey's visitation, they in fact had just heard about us. Julie's Mom lives in Brookhaven...and they just happened to be coming through town dropping off their dog at her Mom's house, while they went out of town. Mrs. Dolly (Julie's Mom) had read about Kinsey in the newspaper and told them about what had happened.
I don't think that they were just there by luck....I believe that God sent them there, it was just too coincidental. They have been a source of strength for me...and will continue to be I'm sure.

Russ said something to me that I will never forget. They knew how in pain I was, and how in shock I was...they had been there. He said, "Just Breathe...thats all you have to do, Just Breathe. " And he was right. Thats what I did. Thats what Taylor did. Thats what my family did. Thats all we had the strength to do.

I still don't really know how I have made it through these 7 1/2 weeks. It dosen't seem real sometimes. I can't say that I have made it through a day yet without crying...and thats okay with me. I'm just suprised that I have made it this far without totally going insane. Taylor and I have been able to have some time together, and I have also been able to have some time to myself. I needed the time alone and with Taylor...I didn't have the energy to do anything else.
It really has been a challenge to just do everyday things. For awhile I just didn't want to get up, or to talk. I had no interest in doing anything I usually enjoyed doing. All I wanted to do was sit there. I just wanted to be alone, or with Taylor...everything else just required to much effort.

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am right now. By God's Grace I am here and surviving. Taylor went back to work 2 weeks ago, it was hard for him but he has done okay. He tends to always be doing something when he is off work too, it keeps your mind busy.

This week I started doing things around the house. I'm feeling a little better physically and able to be more it has been nice to just do things. We cleaned out our garage on Tuesday and spent the entire day outside with the dogs. The weather was great, and it just felt good to be outside. The rest of the week I found things to do. I even cleaned out closets... I took 3 bags of clothes to Goodwill yesterday.

I have this feeling that I need to be doing something, so I have kept myself busy with work around the house. But I know what the feeling is.... Its the feeling that I'm not doing something, that I'm missing something. I'm physically and emotionally feeling that I should be taking care of Kinsey right now. I should be taking care of our baby. Changing diapers, making bottles, washing onsies, watching Taylor play with his daughter...and learning to be a Mama. Thats what I'm missing. So I will keep trying to keep myself busy, we will keep ourselves going. We don't really know what else to do. I miss her just as much right now as the day I gave birth to her...if not more.

Everything we have done and planned for the last year was to get ready for her. She was our reason for planning and painting, and decorating, and shopping. We have a nursery in the house that is empty, it's just not right. Kinsey is always on my mind, every minute.

We have to continue to trust God and hold onto our faith and each other. Thats all I know to do. Thats what has gotten me this far. So I'm surviving...we both are. Are we "okay?"... I don't know. I know things will never be the same here, and I've come to realize that thats okay. I have a totally different perspective on grief than I used to have. Its not something that will ever go away, its something that actually becomes a part of you.

I've said before that Kinsey's death is not something that I will ever "get over"...I don't want to, but I do pray that I can become stronger. Stronger emotionally, and stonger in my Faith. I have always had the desire to be a better have a home in Heaven one day with Jesus. I now have another reason to live life in the way that He would have me live be with our daughter again.

Russ and Julie survived...and are a source of hope and strength to are others who have survived losing a baby. They still love and miss Sarah everyday....they were blessed 7 months ago with another baby girl, and this time they got to take her home.

It will be 8 weeks to the day this Monday, and it still seems like yesterday. Kinsey...Mama and Daddy miss you and love you so much. Watch over us until we can be with you again.

This song was written by Angie Smith, and the only way to hear it is by watching the video on YouTube. It is a song that has really helped me. I do believe that I was blessed by carrying Kinsey while she was here in this world...and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness But I know

That the silence Has brought me to His voice

And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you

by...Angie Smith


Carrie Gray said...

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better physically. I've missed your post and started to worry so I checked in with Heather. You hit the nail on the head, you will never "get over" losing Kinsey that grief will always be apart of you. Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Hey kristi,
I am at a loss for words, yet again. Your friends still struggle with not knowing what to say...what trivial words could I possibly say that might make you feel better. All I know is that we all love you and Taylor so much. We want so bad for you and Taylor to find some sort of peace with the cross that God has given you to bare. He is good and He will not let you down. These are the things we know to be true, but that are so hard to understand when all you want is Kinsey at home with you. I can't wait for the day that God blesses you and Taylor with a beautiful baby to hold and care for on earth.
So I guess in the meantime...just breathe and know that we are all here, praying, and lifting you up. Your girls at ACH are always just a phone call away.
Love ya...Heather