Saturday, September 6, 2008

We said Hello at the same time that we said Goodbye

It was around 5pm, and they had just told me that I was at 10 cm....I knew what that meant. Taylor and I had my Mom, Dad and my cousin Peyton there with us. I asked everyone to leave at that time, because I just wanted it to be me and Taylor there at delivery. I didn't want a room full of people there watching me push....and I didn't want anyone else there in case something went wrong. I don't know if that was my subconscious mind knowing that something was not right....
I know that it wasn't exactly a normal delivery, but it wasn't anything that they had not seen and dealt with in the past. Kinsey was a "brow presentation" as they call it. They did say that it would be harder to deliver her, but that it was something that should not cause any problems. Everything had been fine up until the last 30 minutes of labor.
I got nervous when the oxygen mask was placed on me..., but they wanted more oxygen to get to her. Kinsey starting having decels (heartrate drops) but she always recovered....its not that uncommon for a baby to have decels during this part of delivery, as long as they could recover. Everyone that needed to be there for delivery was there in the room with us. It did cross my mind why they didn't just take me to the OR for a C-section....but she was so close to coming out. I knew that I just needed a few more good pushes to get her here and then it would all be ok.
I pushed back to back, hardly resting at all in between...because I knew it was so close. At 6:30pm she finally arrived...I could see her. They cut the cord and passed her to the Pediatrician. I knew the second I saw her that something wasn't right. I'm sure that Taylor did too. He looked at me and I asked him to go with her. She was just behind the curtain, but I knew what was happening. I know too much about the medical world...and so does Taylor. We knew she wasn't breathing and that they were trying to bag air into her lungs. He walked back over to me with tears in his eyes and said that she didn't have a heartrate. I will never forget the look on his face...and I don't ever want to see that look again.
We both know that they did all they knew to do...but our daughter did not make it. Looking back now, I know that I was in some sort of state of shock. I couldn't believe it. The happiest time and the happiest day of our lives turned to the worst day of our lives in a few short minutes.
I don't know how long it was before they told my family in the waiting room, but it seemed like forever. They all came in, and I can't remember if I was holding Kinsey at that time or not. I can't explain how grateful I was; that we were....that they were there. My parents were strong, but I know how hard it was for them. I'm so grateful for Peyton for being there. She took the pictures that I have come to treasure more than my life. I have no words to explain how thankful I am that they were there for us. Taylor and I couldn't do anything at that time. We couldn't even talk.
They of course brought Kinsey into the room with us and she stayed there with us for as long as we wanted. We held her constantly. She was so perfect, all that I could see of her was perfect. It was what I couldn't see that wasn't. Everyone stayed with us for awhile...we had some friends come to be with us as well. Thank you to Ryan, Jennifer and Ashley. You all helped so much that day, and still do.
We had Kinsey baptised, she was so pretty in her little white dress with the little ducks and birds on it. Everyone left at some point in the night...and it was just Taylor and I there with our little girl. It wasn't long enough. We both held her and kissed her and told her we loved her, and how we had been waiting on her all this time.
I know that she knows all of this, I know that she knows we love her and miss her and want her back here with us. And I know that where she is right now...she dosen't want be here. She will never know anything bad. I know that she is waiting on us, and will be watching over us until we can get there to be with her again.
We still don't know what happened, and we may never know. I pray that someday we will. We had a meeting with our Doctor this week and talked about things that happened in delivery. He went through everything with us step by step, and he has no answers. She should have been okay. We will hear the final results from all of the tests in the next few weeks we hope. The only thing that we know for sure is that her lungs were not normal...they were not able to take in any air. Even though they bagged air into her lungs, they did not work. The histology however was normal, which makes it even more confusing to everyone.
This has been a very emotional post for me, and I'm going to end it now because its just too much at one time. I need some time to remember and to pray....
I miss you Kinsey Grace, me and your Daddy miss you and love you very much.

The last thing I want to post is the lyrics to a song that has really touched Taylor and I. I came across it on a site, and when I heard the words...it sounded like it was written just for us. The name of the song is Smallest Wingless, and its by Craig Cardiff. I have a version of the song here on the blog. Its actually the second song on the music list...........however the version is not my favorite. To hear the version that Taylor and I prefer go to the myspace page of Craig Cardiff. It is:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26500824
The song is in his list of songs on the top right side of the page, you may have to click on the song name to hear it.
This song is just unreal to me....please take the time to listen to it if you can. Please say a prayer for us when you hear it.
Thank you all, and God Bless.
Goodnight.

Smallest Wingless.....
Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no little heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
And held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kristi,
I just wanted you to know that I am continuing to think of Kinsey, you, Taylor, and your family. I hope keeping the blog is therapeutic for you. I know that there will be many people who read your story who will be touched, inspired, or moved to work through their own pain. Hang in there. You are not alone. We love you.--Suzanne

Anonymous said...

kristi & taylor,
Well, its me again. Many days i still have trouble finding the words to say to comfort you. Its in these times that I realize that this is true for most people...so i pray and i type. No words will ever give you what you need...for I can't bring Kinsey back and put her in your arms. But I can let you know that we continue to love you both and lift you up in prayer. It is truly an honor to be able to share this time with you. That you have chosen to let us into your world during this most difficult time is a reflection of your true self...for you are two of the most caring a d giving people I know.
Thanks for letting me and Tristin into your home yesterday to love you and share with you. Thanks for opening your heart to me a little bit. Taylor, I'm sorry you had to go back to work. We will pray that things go well for you. Kristi, if you need us while taylor is at work all you have to do is say the word and we will be there.
Mr. and Mrs. Crum, happy grandparents day!!! I can't wait to see what beautiful baby God blesses you with one day. Kinsey is smiling on you all right now.
love to you all,
Heather

Sara said...

Kristi,
Just thought I'd write you another quick note to say that Wade & I still pray everyday for you. I can't wait for you to be able to come home where we can spoil you. You are always in my thoughts. You are stronger than you think. Love and miss you.
Sara

Carrie Gray said...

Kristi,
It took me a good 30 minutes to get through this post. I can't imagine the how hard it was for you to put it into words, but you did a beautiful job. All I can picture in my head is how such a happy day and time came to such a heartbreaking end.... Thinking of you today and always! Carrie

mcrum said...

Kristi, I think you are doing a beautiful job of keeping up your blog of everything that has happened. I'm just so glad we were there with ya'll doing the birth of our sweet grandbaby Kinsey Grace. My heart and always will be. Now I know how grandma Peggy always felt about you. I pray that one day we will have joy again. To have a beautiful. healthy, normal baby and to see the joy in your faces instead of just tears.I love you so very much and you are my heart.I pray every day that God will bless us one day soon with a little one to hold , kiss nad to rock. I know you said not too much rocking but I think Mimmi can some don't you think!!! GOd is love and God will protect you and your love ones. Just keep him in your thoughts and prayers and he will comfort you and Taylor.I miss ya"ll so much and hope to see you soon. Whenever you need me to come just call. I love you, Taylor and our beautiful Kinsey Grace forever. Love nad kisses, Mama

Anonymous said...

Kristi,

I wanted you to know that ya'll remain in my thoughts and prayers. As well as in the thoughts and prayers of your Medical City family. Your blog is truly an inspiration. I hope that it continues to bring you comfort and peace during this very difficult time.
Love
Jenny B

Susan said...

Thanks for sharing so much...I know it isn't easy, but I appreciate you letting us hear your story and share in your grief Kris. Always sending love your way and praying for you both. Love you,
Su

lizzysue said...

Kristi and Taylor,
Ya'll are on my mind everyday. You two are so strong to share your story. These past weeks have been the toughest of your lives and yet you both amaze me. Ya'll have been two of the most cherished people I have come to know and ya'll have done more for me than you could imagine. I love ya'll and both your families please know my heart, mind and arms are always open to you and yours. I love you my dear friends and most of all little Grace.
Lizzy

Sarah Forliano said...

Thank You For Sharing Your Story - I am a Labor & Delivery Nurse- and I have been present for the birth of 5 babies that were lost - it is sad, and monumental - and I am thankful for your grace and for sharing Kinsey's story with others....

Jennifer said...

Kristi,

I have been reading your blog and you have done a wonderful job sharing your daughter with us. Our angels share their birthday, in fact, they joined Jesus at almost the same time. Timothy left our arms at 6:45pm. Praying that you are doing okay as the weeks and months are going by.

Jen

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