Monday, September 1, 2008

The scar will always be there, but just let yourself feel it.

I have had so many things going on the last few days, that I haven't had the time I wanted to update the blog. Between the Memorial service in Shreveport (Thank God we all made it home safely)...and all the chaos with Hurricane Gustav, well lets just say we have been busy. Mrs. Mona's service was beautiful, and she had so many family and friends there. It was hard on everyone, but we made it through. It of course brought back many painful memories, and was just tough. I had many thoughts of Kinsey that day, and I'm sure Taylor, my parents and others did as well. Two funerals way too close together. Two funerals that should have never had to be. Mrs. Mona is in Heaven with Kinsey at this very moment, looking over us all.
My parents left early Sunday morning instead of Monday due to Hurricane Gustav making landfall earlier than expected. Brookhaven, my hometown is just 120 miles north of New Orleans on I-55 we always get massive winds, rain and tornados during hurricanes. Prayers are needed with this hurricane hitting, and God willing all will not be as bad as expected.
I have realized lately that I still am in need of time to myself...or time with just Taylor. I am not to the point where I can be around large groups of people for long periods of time. Its not that I don't want to, or that I don't appreciate body and emotional state just hasn't been able to handle it. I find myself getting nervous (which is very unlike me) and finding my way to somewhere where I can be alone. To just be still. I know this will in time change.
Its just that I can't seem to take my mind off of Kinsey and all that has happened. I can do some things that I normally do...I did my Fantasy Football team. (For those of you who know me well, you understand that its a big deal for me) Its just that everything that I do or see reminds me of Kinsey. I want to be reminded...I don't ever not want to think of her, its just that right now it hurts...the pain of the bad memories still stings bitterly. Its the things that I will never get to do with her that are constantly in my head.
For instance something as simple as Fantasy Football. I had been looking forward to holding Kinsey while I did my football draft....I wanted to introduce her to football. I know she would have loved it as much as I do. The reminders are everywhere right now....and thats ok, they just hurt.
I don't ever want to not think or talk about her. She will always be a part of me and Taylor...our firstborn. I know also that it has to be hard for friends and family of ours to know what to say...and I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to talk about her, and it not be a subject that people avoid.
Not talking about her, or avoiding the issue is not a good thing for me. I can't get her out of my with everything I do, I have her in my head and heart. So a problem I have run into is when we just go on with life as usual. (and at the same time I know that one day, to a certain degree...I will be able to go back to that.) Life is NOT usual for me right now (and it will always be different...things will never be as they once were), so I think that people will just have to bear with me for awhile. I will always be Kinsey's Mama, and Taylor will always be Kinsey's in that respect our lives have changed forever....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I need people to just be there...even if I need to be alone....thats the best thing I could ask for.
A very good friend of mine in Mississippi (a true New Orleans Lady by birth) sent me an email that I have looked at many times and it has given me a lot of perspective on memories.
She said that a special Aunt of hers told her one time that:
"the pain will get better, but the scar will always be there. Give yourself the time, and years from now... when you feel the scar, it will be okay. But just let yourself feel it. Ours is not to question why, but try to continue to have faith."
Thank you Lisa Manuel.
That pretty much is how I feel right now, and its a point I know I have to get to. I just don't know how long it will take. With the help of God, our family and friends...we will get there one day.
I can't tell you how much all the comments, prayers and emails have meant to me. They have really been keeping me going, I love reading each one of them. I must have read them all over and over...and I am always thankful each time.
I will post more later......God bless you all and thank you again.


Anonymous said...

hey friend,
still thinking about me to talk, cry, be silent. i'll be here. jenny

Aunt Judy said...

You, Taylor, and Kinsey are always in my thoughts and prayers. We have so many questions and there are so many "what ifs". We just have to trust God that one day we will have answers. I pray that you will continue to feel God's love and presence and know that we love you and want so much for you to have joy in your life again.
Aunt Judy

Angela said...

Hi Kristi, you don't know me I clicked on the prayer request link on Kelly's Korner that asked for prayers for your family. I just want to tell you that as I read your blog my heart broke for you and your family. I will be keeping you in my prayers, praying that God will wrap His arms around you, Taylor and your baby. That He will give you comfort and peace and will show you that He is always with you. And that He will allow your sweet baby boy time on Earth with you before it is time for him to fly home to Heaven and his sister.