Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Keeping busy, and seeing Signs

I have been trying for days to edit a post. It has pictures of Kinsey's Birthday. This Internet connection is so annoying.
I also have a couple of pictures of some surprises that were given to us for GrayMan... whenever I can get them to load on here, I will post them. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later.

I am at home today, Taylor is back at work. I start back on August 24th. I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home. I have cleaned out 2 closets, working on the office...and then will find something else to clean. I have cooked two new dishes...(which Taylor loved) and will be trying a few more new things. I also am still working on Thank You cards. I have so many to write, I have just been doing a little at a time. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied somewhat... but I never really have Gray and Kinsey off my mind.

I have heard from so many people that compliment me on my strength and faith...
I don't really know if that's the correct way to put things. I don't feel strong right now.
I pray, and I have my Faith...but its hard to not have questions for God. I will always wonder why Gray and Kinsey...why Taylor and I? Why were we chosen to deal with all of this pain and hurt? All we wanted was to have a healthy child to bring home. To start a family.
Will we have that one day?
I see so many women at work (in the hospital) and on TV that treat their babies so badly! Drinking and doing crack or meth while they are pregnant and breastfeeding. Abusing and neglecting their babies and children. All the while, they were able to have a healthy baby to bring home...and they treat them like that! They should be so grateful for what they have! It's enough to make me insane and furious at the same time. SO... don't think I don't have my moments. It's really easy to be bitter... but it's really difficult to be positive. That's where keeping busy helps. Idle minds are the easiest to stray. I constantly pray and ask Christ to give us strength to keep going. That's really all I know to do right now.

Honestly, we haven't even begun to talk about the future. I don't think its fair to our babies to go that route right now. Taylor and I need to have some time together, and to visit family...and that's what we have planned.
One day though we will talk about our future. What will it be? and where will it lead? I don't know. We do want a family... we just aren't sure where to go from here. We have so much to give, and just would love to have babies to raise here on this earth.

Seeing Taylor with Gray was such an amazing site. The look on Taylor's face when Gray was born...and the way he looked holding him, it was just perfect. I will never forget that, I know Taylor won't either. He is a great Daddy to both of our babies. Thank you Taylor for being such a good Daddy for them...and for being here for me. He is a strong guy, and I am lucky to have him as my husband.
I will always just wish to have Grayson and Kinsey back with us... although I know that will never be. They are in a place they would never want to leave. Thank You God. I know they want us to add to the family, they will be watching over us always. I just pray that God wants that for us as well.

People talk about signs. Signs from beyond that make you think of someone who is no longer on earth. I like to think I have seen some of those lately... I know I have.
I always think of Ladybugs and Butterflies when I think of Kinsey. And it isn't just Monkeys that remind me of Gray. For some reason Blue Butterflies and Dragonflies remind me of GrayMan too.
Is it just a coincidence that we have been swarmed by dragonflies lately?? Honestly I have seen hundreds here at our house and around town this past week. They are out in swarms... it's amazing! Taylor and I love it. He was cutting the grass last weekend...(with a push mower nonetheless. Our riding mower is broken...AGAIN)... and was literally walking through a hundred dragonflies!
Another thing that amazed me last week was this: I was sitting on the front porch talking to my Mom and Aunt Judy. I had been watching this Blue Butterfly fly around on the front porch and in the flower beds. Of course it reminded me of Gray. Then in a split second it landed on my left cheek! Just for a second...almost like a kiss. I believe it was from my Little Man.
I may be crazy, but when has a butterfly ever landed on my face?



Jorden and Kristin said...

i'm not usually much of a sign person, but i was crying as you were describing the butterflies and dragonflies! I def think Grayson is checking up on you and making sure you know he misses and loves you.

You and Taylor are both in our prayers!

Kimberly said...

Praying for continued strength. I'll think differently about those dragonflies now!

Tracy L / Four Square said...

Wrote you back a few days ago, and hoping my email went through... if not, it could be in your spam/junk folder.

If it did, no worries, okay? Just wanted to make sure I hadn't left you hanging.

Take all the time you and your family need, one day at a time, and just keep trucking.

We're all praying for you.

Shannon Ryan said...

The butterfly kiss is so sweet!

You are right.. what you have been through is just not fair! So many people are horrible to their children, but still THEY get to bring them home and raise them. It is indeed easy to be bitter. Hugs to you and Taylor.

sagreen125 said...

you need those signs and I think God knew you did too.
think and pray for you guys often

Cindy said...

Continuing to pray for you, Taylor, and your family! There are many days that I find such peace from listening to the music you've chosen for this website! I find that my tears can fall easily when I read what you post: it has been a comfort and help in my healing with the loss of my daughter to T18 in June! I don't always show emotions and you've helped me do that and I thank you! I think and pray for your family often and don't think that I'll ever be able to look at lady bugs or monkeys without thinking of your children! A tribute to the wonderful parents that you both are! I appreciate and admire the strong woman of faith you are! You are so right about working hard to be positive; you inspire me to find those positives during my dark days! Thank you for sharing your story and yourself with us; you touch more people than you'll ever know (including me). God Bless You!

Mary Ellen said...

I believe that God allows us to have little signs of our angels. i know that these signs help me through the day. Praying for you everyday.

Anonymous said...

I had not checked your blog for a while, and felt drawn to it just now...didn't know why, but now I do. Remembering Grayson and praying for you on this difficult day!
That was a very special blue butterfly!
Donna W

Mindy said...

Praying for you and your husband.

JPTG said...

I completely believe that was a kiss from Grayson!!
Please be patient with yourself to work through all of these feelings. I do believe God wants you to have a large, healthy family and so far has sent these two angels to you b/c of the trust he has for your two to be their parents. And how you honor God, as well as their earthly and heavenly existence in all that you do. I believe he will bless you with more [if and when you are ready]. But all throughout, enjoy your touchpoints with your children in these signs and butterfly kisses.

Colleen said...

As a mother who has also suffered the life altering affects of losing a newborn, I understand everything you have said. It is difficult to see babies and children being abused and neglected and try to figure out the seemingly injustice of us losing our babies. Almost 20 years has passed since my precious Melissa died 8 1/2 hours after birth due to Group B Strep. I promise that the intense grief you are going through now will not last forever and you will find positive ways to keep your babies memories alive. I am still praying for you both.

Tammy518 said...

Awww, that is so sweet with the signs of the dragonflies and butterflies. I'd say that butterfly was definitely your sweet little man giving you a kiss.

I have two healthy, almost-grown children, so I can't even begin to imagine what you and Taylor are going through. Oftentimes I have wondered, as you do, why people that are on drugs or are abusive, etc. can be blessed with healthy babies while others, like you and your hubby, cannot. I'm sure it's all part of a bigger plan, but I know that doesn't help your pain at all.

You and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

Kelly said...

Hi, a friend passed your blog to me. It's been one month since we buried our second newborn - two burials in one year. A lot like you. i would love to email with you and swap stories. I can say that I am one of the -hopefully few - people that know what it's like to lose 2 percious little ones. I am so sad you have as well, but honestly I am comforted knowing that we are not so unique...
please email, as I have not finished making a blog for the babies yet.
Kelly in AZ

JSharp said...

Continue to keep you in my prayers. I think of your babies everytime I see monkeys, butterflies & ladybugs too. May you always be comforted by those signs.

Im pretty sure I live just around corner from you as well as work at same hospital. I'm home alone with my 2 1/2 year old each evening (except Wed). We have high speed, well as high speed as any one out here, & def 1000x better than the satellite Internet we used to have. All that to say, you are more than welcome to come down. Just email here or work, I'm in global & we could meet up.

dg darling said...

You're not crazy. i think it was a kiss too...

Marie said...

I believe in signs for sure! My friend Lisa sends me monkeys, just like your Gray! Rainbows too. I babysit a little girl Tori whose sister Kayley died. Tori believes Kayley "rides on the wings of butterflies." Shortly after she told me that, Tori was swarmed by butterflies. Butterflies will follow her down the street. So...yup, I believe that is how they communicate with us.

You may be right to wait a little before making a decision on more children - I do know people who have tried to quickly "replace" their lost children, and had terrible trouble bonding with the new baby when they realise you can't replace a child. You might want to talk to Kristy from Waiting For Happy (I think you already know her?), she had that experience.

I do hope you are able to have a child in your family one day, you deserve it!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, the signs from our little ones are there, and how special they are!
God Bless,

Anonymous said...

You are not crazy - that was your son kissing you. What a beautiful thing.