I have been trying for days to edit a post. It has pictures of Kinsey's Birthday. This Internet connection is so annoying.
I also have a couple of pictures of some surprises that were given to us for GrayMan... whenever I can get them to load on here, I will post them. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later.
I am at home today, Taylor is back at work. I start back on August 24th. I have just been trying to keep myself busy at home. I have cleaned out 2 closets, working on the office...and then will find something else to clean. I have cooked two new dishes...(which Taylor loved) and will be trying a few more new things. I also am still working on Thank You cards. I have so many to write, I have just been doing a little at a time. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied somewhat... but I never really have Gray and Kinsey off my mind.
I have heard from so many people that compliment me on my strength and faith...
I don't really know if that's the correct way to put things. I don't feel strong right now.
I pray, and I have my Faith...but its hard to not have questions for God. I will always wonder why Gray and Kinsey...why Taylor and I? Why were we chosen to deal with all of this pain and hurt? All we wanted was to have a healthy child to bring home. To start a family.
Will we have that one day?
I see so many women at work (in the hospital) and on TV that treat their babies so badly! Drinking and doing crack or meth while they are pregnant and breastfeeding. Abusing and neglecting their babies and children. All the while, they were able to have a healthy baby to bring home...and they treat them like that! They should be so grateful for what they have! It's enough to make me insane and furious at the same time. SO... don't think I don't have my moments. It's really easy to be bitter... but it's really difficult to be positive. That's where keeping busy helps. Idle minds are the easiest to stray. I constantly pray and ask Christ to give us strength to keep going. That's really all I know to do right now.
Honestly, we haven't even begun to talk about the future. I don't think its fair to our babies to go that route right now. Taylor and I need to have some time together, and to visit family...and that's what we have planned.
One day though we will talk about our future. What will it be? and where will it lead? I don't know. We do want a family... we just aren't sure where to go from here. We have so much to give, and just would love to have babies to raise here on this earth.
Seeing Taylor with Gray was such an amazing site. The look on Taylor's face when Gray was born...and the way he looked holding him, it was just perfect. I will never forget that, I know Taylor won't either. He is a great Daddy to both of our babies. Thank you Taylor for being such a good Daddy for them...and for being here for me. He is a strong guy, and I am lucky to have him as my husband.
I will always just wish to have Grayson and Kinsey back with us... although I know that will never be. They are in a place they would never want to leave. Thank You God. I know they want us to add to the family, they will be watching over us always. I just pray that God wants that for us as well.
People talk about signs. Signs from beyond that make you think of someone who is no longer on earth. I like to think I have seen some of those lately... I know I have.
I always think of Ladybugs and Butterflies when I think of Kinsey. And it isn't just Monkeys that remind me of Gray. For some reason Blue Butterflies and Dragonflies remind me of GrayMan too.
Is it just a coincidence that we have been swarmed by dragonflies lately?? Honestly I have seen hundreds here at our house and around town this past week. They are out in swarms... it's amazing! Taylor and I love it. He was cutting the grass last weekend...(with a push mower nonetheless. Our riding mower is broken...AGAIN)... and was literally walking through a hundred dragonflies!
Another thing that amazed me last week was this: I was sitting on the front porch talking to my Mom and Aunt Judy. I had been watching this Blue Butterfly fly around on the front porch and in the flower beds. Of course it reminded me of Gray. Then in a split second it landed on my left cheek! Just for a second...almost like a kiss. I believe it was from my Little Man.
I may be crazy, but when has a butterfly ever landed on my face?
2 weeks ago