Friday, August 28, 2009

One week down

I made it through my first week of work. It was a big step for me. It was funny how much I forgot while I was off. I walked in the door and honestly had to think for a minute about what all I used to do to get ready for the day. Good thing it was really slow that morning...
By the time it picked up, I was pretty much back in the swing of things. It took me a little while, but by the end of the day I was back to normal I believe.
Our Dallas trip was a good one, we had a good time with friends...and Macey had a good time too. The other big thing I started Monday besides work was a DIET. It was probably a good thing that we took the Dallas trip, I was definately not looking forward to starting a diet, but the Dallas trip helped with that just a bit. I ate so much in Dallas that I didn't mind it that much! I had three meals while we were there, and they were all Mexican. It was SO good. The diet I started was Nutrisystem ... we will see how things go. Its Friday, and I think I have had a good week. I haven't even cheated!
I sure hope that I am able to do the Nutrisystem thing... its not cheap, but if it works...then its worth it. I actually am on the Flex Program, which gives me the weekends to do my own foods. It was a little cheaper that way. If Marie Osmand and Dan Marino can do it, then so can I!
Work did keep me busy this week, I guess that's a good thing. I have had a pretty good week, I have had a few moments. Today however, I lost it just a bit. I blame it on WalMart... why is it that everyone shopping in WalMart has a baby with them? I had started to become better with it, but today was just a little much. I think it was just that the babies I saw today reminded me so much of mine. I saw a little girl with red hair... she was around a year old, the same age Kinsey would have been. It really got to me.
Its just things like that ... they really get to me. It just makes me wonder what she would have been like right now. How big would she have been? I'm sure she would have been a mess...and so much fun. I think that seeing other babies sometimes just reminds me of what I am missing. That's the hardest part.
I know my children are in a place they would never want to leave... it just doesn't help me from missing them.
I'm not really sure what we have planned for the weekend, Taylor is still at work. We will watch some pre-season Football I'm sure.... Next weekend College Football will start, which anyone that knows me knows that I am REALLY into Football. College and Pro. It will give my mind something else to focus on... sounds silly, but it really will. I just wish that I was able to hold GrayMan for his first football game. I read a comment today on the Trisomy 18 board, one of the babies born around the same time as Gray is still alive. He actually turned 2 months old today. I won't try to lie and pretend that I'm not jealous... I would give anything to have Grayson here with us still. I know that its not possible. Doesn't make me not wish it were.
I better turn off the computer and start getting something ready for dinner. For Taylor at least that is... My dinner is in a box in the pantry! It really is pretty convenient. I have been cleaning up, ...and don't laugh...watching Golden Girls. I don't know why I watch that show so much. Its mindless and silly, maybe that's why I like it. I bet I have seen every episode at least twice...pitiful isn't it.
I hope all of you have a good weekend. I don't know what all our weekend has in store, but
I know that my children will be looking over us.
Godspeed.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Congrats on getting through your first week back at work and a diet. Thats great! Please know that I am think of you and praying for your peace of mind a spirit.

Laura

Mindy said...

Praying for you.

Mary Ellen said...

Glad to hear your first week back went well. I pray for you everyday.

Carrie Gray said...

I see little red headed girls about a year old and I tear up. I can't imagine the heartache and emptiness you feel when you see a little girl around Kinsey's age and a baby around Gray's age.

Thank you for your honesty and sharing your feelings with others. I'm sure there are (sad but true) many mom's like you reading tonight and you give them comfort because they struggle with the same issues.

You and Taylor are in my prayers daily. I hug Jackson a little tighter these days too!

FabTheMayor said...

Sending up prayers in Atlanta

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Stacey said...

I often check your blog in hopes for updates. Although our loses are completely different, I know your pain too well. I've lost 11 pregnancies due to miscarriage (5-14 weeks) and think of my children often. Our 10th pregnancy was a little girl, who was genetically normal. I named her Emma Grace. I too struggle with my emotions. Recently, a few friends and my sister have had babies, so close to the expected dob of our daughter. The heartache and the longing never goes away and I'll NEVER get over my children. However, I am blessed to have 2 living boys (6th and 7th pregnancy, ages 3 and 4) who have helped get me through the pain. They lift my spirits and put a smile on my face.

My heart goes out to you. I'm grateful that you've shared your journey. I've found great comfort in reading blogs of mothers who have lost children...I can relate to their grief and pain. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Stacey from CA

Brookeanne said...

I'm so relieved to hear that your first week went well! I now often think of Kinsey when I see children with bright red hair as well, and although I can't truly comprehend your loss, we feel for you. I shared the post of the lady bug and dragon fly with my husband one afternoon when we were out having coffee together. He was so moved, that we could not help but stare at eachother silently with tears streaming down our faces. I am so glad that your two little ones have been able to send you kisses from above! Those moments are incredibly amazing! You and your husband are so deserving of these special touches you are receiving from Heaven.
Praying for you both!

Jennifer said...

Its good you are back at work. Hang in there! :o)

Melissa said...

I know your pain, and I can honestly say it does get easier...eventually. I cried every single day for the first 6 months after my daughter, Carsyn, died. Then I cried every other day for the next 6 months. I distinctly remember breaking down in Target one day. I had to walk all the way to the other side of the huge store to exit with tears steaming down my face and sobbing uncontrollably. Episodes like that are to be expected.
I know how jealous you must be of other Trisomy babies who lived longer, because I feel that jealousy, too. Please try to find comfort in the 5 precious days you had with Grayson. My daughter lived two days, but we only got to spend 45 minutes with her. (She had been med flighted to another hospital 100 miles away). We never even got to bring her home.

I will continue to pray for relief from your grieving and that you will one day have a healthy child to love and care for in your home. Stay strong.

Lauren said...

I'm glad to hear you made it through your first week. Thought about you. I am a Golden Girls fan as well and like you, i'm not too sure why, but I do like to watch it. I've followed your story for a long time now. Just wanted to say I'm thinking and praying for you both and your littles.

natalie said...

I have a daughter who is almost 4. I haven't been able to carry a baby to term since I delivered her. I can so understand the pain of seeing other babies and wanting your own baby...of feeling that ache of MISSING something. My arms yearn to hold our baby, to love another infant. Once we were at the zoo and EVERY SINGLE woman there was pregnant. I was hysterical the entire way home. I'm praying for you! Good luck on your diet.

Brookeanne said...

Thinking of you this Labor Day weekend. Just wondering how you're doing and if you did anything special! I hope work is going well and that God is continuing to heal your heart is great ways! Praying for you... but I'm sure you already knew that :)