Pictures of the Birthday Weekend

I figured out a different way to get my pictures on the computer...so I finally got to post all of the Football Weekend pictures. We had a great time, and it was good to be with family for my birthday too. I couldn't have asked for a better suprise. Thank you all!!

My Mom, Aunt Wanda, Uncle Mark, Aunt Judy ,Uncle Virgil and Taylor and I in The Grove.

Me, Taylor and Patrick after the game.

Taylor had to put it on...


Patrick and his Mom


Mom & Daddy.

I don't think there are any words for this picture!

Patrick at Halftime... He is the Third from the left on the Front Row. He plays the Trumpet.

I also have a video I would love to get on here of him playing...and when I get it figured out, I'll post it.

I told Taylor I was going to post on here that he's not "perfect"! Everybody sends me comments about how great he is...

I'm lauging at him as I post this. He definately has his flaws! But I guess we all do. He did stay up all night the other night playing Playstation3, and thats happened more than once. He insanely competitive, but so am I (I'm sure Kinsey would have been more competitive than the two of us put together!).

He has quite a quick temper when he wants to....but usually settles down pretty quick. If I could just teach him how to cook and clean the house...I would be in business!

He is a great husband...one I can do things with, and one that I can just sit around and be bored with if we want. But one thing is definate... Kinsey would have had a great Daddy here on earth. Insanely protective, fun to do things with...and one that loved her more than I could have ever imagined I would see.

Taylor will be reading this I'm sure....since he just asked me why I was typing so much! But when he does, he will just see that after everything we have been through...I can't imagine ever not having him be the one by my side.

Birthday Wishes

I turned 37 on November 5th...hard to believe. The birthday wish I want, I can not have. I will have it one day though, one day I will be with Kinsey again. I do still have hope for a family here on this earth, I know I already have one in Heaven waiting on me.

Taylor had a surprise planned for my birthday, and the only thing I knew was that it was relatively close to my hometown...because we went there first. We spent 2 days in Brookhaven, and the first place I went after seeing my parents was to the cemetary to see Kinsey's new stone. It was mixed emotions for both of us. It was the first time we had been able to go back since the services. I did alright I guess, but broke down when I got there. Just was so real and so striking to see her name on there.

It was just as we wanted though, it was beautiful. I'm sure she can see it and loves it too. Taylor and I went to the florist and bought some Stargazer Lillies to take with us (those are the flowers I painted in Kinsey's nursery). It was good to just go alone and give her the lillies.

And of course we also brought her some Ladybugs! Live ladybugs...and when we released them, they went everywhere! They were all over her flowers and her stone. It was amazing. Something so simple as ladybugs made me so happy. That in itself was a great birthday present. Taking our daughter her flowers and ladybugs.

I gave her my bracelet, and I put on another....I never take it off.

I know in my heart that she is not there, but its just good to be able to have a place to honor her. I'm also so grateful to my Mom and my Grandma for keeping flowers out there for Kinsey all the time. She has a beautiful view of our church...and of course the softball field where I spent many a summer on the pitchers mound.

On Friday afternoon I finally got to find out what my birthday surprise was... a college football game with my family there! I had a great time with everyone...and even got to see my cousin play in the band at halftime. I can't believe at least one person in my family didn't let it slip, they did good at keeping a secret for a very long time.

He took me to Batesville, Ms....and pulled into a hotel. At that point I knew we were going to an Ole Miss football game, because there isn't anything else to do in Batesville, Ms.

I went to school at Mississippi State...but grew up rooting for Ole Miss due to my Dad and his brother Mark mostly. I'm one of the weird Mississippi people who pulls for all the Mississippi teams...especially living in another state. Its more of a Mississippi thing than anything. Don't hold it against me my Mississippi State friends.....especially Kenny and Sallie Ann! One of my guesses of where Taylor was taking me was Starkville! But I knew shortly after arriving in Batesville why we were going to the Ole Miss vs Auburn game. My parents and my two aunts and uncles were there to surprise me and I had a great time. It was great to see my cousin play the trumpet before the game in The Grove and at Halftime.

I have some great pictures at the game...but I can't seem to find our card reader right now, so I'll just have to post them later. I pray we find that thing...it wasn't cheap!

The first night we were there we ate supper at a hole in the wall place in Como, Ms. Downtown Como....very small. The place was called the Como Steakhouse, and it was excellent! The steaks were Huge, and they grilled them on an open grill right behind our table. If you are ever in Como, Ms...I highly recommend it! We want to go back... The only drawback was that we were all so full after we left that we were pretty much nonfunctional the rest of the night.

The game was an early game at 11:30am...so we got to Oxford at around 9am. Had time to walk around and see Patrick play, then head to the game. The Rebels beat Auburn, it was a great game. Unfortunately the Bulldogs let Kentucky beat them the same day.

It was a great birthday surprise...with family and Taylor, and football. Not bad.

After the football weekend we headed back to Brookhaven and spent a couple of more days. I got to see my family a little more and have dinner at my Grandparents. They are in their 80's and going strong... I'm blessed to still have them in my life. They would have spoiled Kinsey horribly! But she would have already been rotten...

We drove back to Arkansas on Tuesday. I thank God for a safe trip for us all. I got back home to Macey and Brooks...they were wild when we picked them up.

And when I got to the house, I went in the nursery...the lillies were still blooming. I miss you all the time Kinsey.

Its been awhile...

It has been awhile since my last post, and alot has happened since then....

I have to say that its been 3 months since I gave birth to Kinsey...and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes it dosen't seem real..kind of like a dream. We looked forward to meeting her for so long, and we still have everything here ready for her. Her room is just as it was, and I'm sure it will be for some time. Some people probably think that they wouldn't be able to go in her nursery, but although its hard sometimes....I feel close to her in there. I go in from time to time to just be alone and think of her, talk to her and pray. I know that she can hear and see me in there talking to her, and that one day...we will be together again. And she can tell me all about Heaven and what its been like for her there. Never knowing sin, never knowing pain, never knowing suffering....I can truly say and believe that although I would always rather have Kinsey here with me, that I am comforted by the thoughts of where she truly is this very second. There is nowhere else better than that.

Just to say a few things that have happened lately, I have finally started back at work. I actually went back on Oct. 4th...(my Mom's Bday), and this weekend was my 4th weekend to work. It was so hard to go back. I'm sure that any job is hard to go back to, but with my job....it was 10 times as hard. I am blessed though to work with some amazing people. A group of people that have been there for me when I needed them, and left me to myself when I needed that too. God truly blessed me with their friendship.

They all got together and gave me something that I never take off...a pair of ruby earrings ( July's Birthstone) to honor Kinsey. I can't thank them enough, and I want all of you that I work with that are reading this... to know how much I love you all, and how much your friendship and support have sustained me.

Being back at work and around children has been tough....sometimes a little more than I can take. But the ones at work with me have helped me to only take the patients that I am comfortable with, the bigger kids and teenagers. I think I do better with taking care of boys rather than girls as well. Just to have something totally different, so that I won't be able to tie my patient to my daughter. It will be some time before I can take care of an infant.

Its hard enough to be surrounded by rooms that are filled with babies that are sick and suffering, and by the families that are there. I can relate to them way too much now...I know what they are feeling, and its very draining. I am only working 2 twelve hour nights a week, and by the end of that second night...I'm done. Its not just a physical draining now, its emotional.

I was excited about finishing up this weekend at work...because I don't have to go back this coming weekend! Taylor and I are leaving on Wednesday to drive to Mississippi. My husband is not one to do suprises very often, so I'm trying to soak this one in. He is taking me somewhere this weekend for my birthday (which is the 5th of November)...and I have no idea where it is going to be. I can assume its close to home since we are able to go to Mississippi first, but thats all I know.

On Wednesday we are going to Jackson first, and I am going to get to see some old friends that I worked with in Jackson at UMC. I'm so excited to see them. They will always be my first group of PICU friends, and will always have a special place in my heart. They were there for me at Kinsey's services...and that meant so much to me. To look up and see them there was very comforting to me, and I hope that they all know that. I will never forget it.

My brother also lives in the Jackson area now, and we will be meeting up with him as well. It will be great to see him again too. After we leave Jackson, we will go to my parents in Brookhaven. We have not been able to go to the cemetary since we were last in Brookhaven...so that is one of the first places we will go. Her headstone is in now, and we are ready to see it. I have heard that it's exactly what we wanted. I know that Kinsey is not really there...but going there will be a time for us to pray and to be there for her. It's going to be hard to go there, but at the same time I can't wait to be there. My family has been going almost every day and keeping flowers there all the time...and of course Hobo is out there too.

There is something else that I have been meaning to post about...but just haven't yet. Taylor got me a Jack Russell puppy when we got back home to Arkansas. In a way she has been a Godsend to me. She gave me something to take care of and something to hold. There is nothing more empty than the arms of a Mother who has lost her child....and holding Macey has helped me. She of course is a puppy who has no idea of all we have been through, but she loves us unconditionally...and definately keeps us moving. It's true what they say about Jack Russell puppies being hyper! She is wild at times and lazy at others...but I have to say that she is definately high maintaince all the time! This weekend will be our first time without her...she has to spend the week at the Vet. Brooks will be there to keep her company...and I know that all the people who work at our Vets office are going to spoil her while we are gone, so I know she is in good hands...but we will miss her!

I wanted to take this time to again say thank you to all of you who have been there for Taylor and I, you all mean so much to us....and we will never forget it. I'm going to go and start packing for our trip!

I love you all....and God Bless.

Kinsey, we love you and miss you all the time.

Butterflies, Ladybugs and Hobo

Its been days since my last post...not because I haven't been wanting to write, its just that sometimes its such an emotional toll and I just haven't been able to do it...I kind of have to prepare myself sometimes to post. Other times I don't, just changes day to day.

I have been wanting to post some pictures and talk a little about Kinsey's service....and about some things that happened in between. Some of you were there, and I am so grateful that you were. For those that were not able to be there, this will give you a little insight.

I can't tell you many people were there to support us and to see Kinsey. So many people and we appreciate and love every one of you. I know now thinking back that I was in a state of shock for days after I gave birth to Kinsey. I guess it was my body kicking in a sort of coping mechanism to save me....and I'm sure that all the medicine I was taking had a part in it as well.

I can remember talking to some people in Brookhaven at the services, and then there are other people that I know that I talked to...but for the life of me I can't remember it.

There was one thing in particular that happened to us, in one of the worst possible times. I think it was God's way of sending us a little comfort. It was something simple, yet it meant a lot to us. We were at my church, at the cemetary....doing something that I never even fathomed would happen. We were picking a place to bury Kinsey, it was so hard...so surreal.

As we were walking around the cemetary a little solid black Lab puppy walked up and started following us around. He was so cute, and Taylor and I both love dogs anyway. He stayed out there with us the whole time....and after we picked out a resting place we all stood in a circle and had a prayer. Guess who walked up and stood in the circle in during the prayer...yep, the little lab puppy.

We have since found out that he belongs to our friends Roger and Kathi who live right next door to the church. They named him Hobo. He got his name because he was a stray who just stumbled up one day and wouldn't leave...long story short, Hobo has been hit by a car twice and lived to tell about it. I believe that Hobo survived for a purpose, to give Taylor and I a little comfort that day when we needed it. We think of him as Kinsey's puppy...always visiting her and looking over things.

The day of Kinsey's service, Taylor did something for Kinsey and me that to this day will never forget. He somehow thought to order a box full of Butterflies! They were Monarch Butterflies....and after the last words were said at the cemetary that morning, we opened the box and let them go. They were so beautiful, and I know that Kinsey watched them all fly around. To this day and for the rest of my life, when I see a Butterfly...I will think of my Kinsey.

It goes back a long way for Taylor and I...but we have had this thing about Ladybugs. We even decorated Kinsey's nursery with ladybugs...its so pretty. Taylor ordered Ladybugs too...they just didn't get to us in time for the service. But that was okay, because they arrived a few days later.

After the services were done, and we went back home...Taylor and I decided to drive down to New Orleans just to get away and be alone. I definately was not physically able to do much, but we just wanted to go.
I am so glad we did, because it was really good for both of us. We stayed at the Omni Royal Orleans, only a couple of blocks from Jackson Square...and it was wonderful. It was August in N.O., so it was really HOT...but there was a storm in the Gulf (imagine that) so it was a little cooler that usual.
We spent most of our time walking around to shops and places to eat, just soaking up New Orleans. I would have loved to take Kinsey there, to the zoo and the aquarium....she would have loved it as much as we do I'm sure. I know though that she was there with us the whole time.

One thing that Taylor wanted to do was get a haircut and an old fashioned shave...with a straight razor! He had never been to an old time barber shop, so with the help of the Omni...I found him one. Ernie's... He loved it. Kinsey was laughing at him I'm sure.

The last night we were there Taylor took me on a private carriage ride through the city. I've been carriage rides in New Orleans before, but this was the first private one. The girl giving the carriage ride tour was great, and reminded me a lot of a good friend of mine from New Orleans...(Lisa).

Something I will always remember from this trip was visiting the St. Louis Cathedral in the Square. We went there every day and lit a candle for Kinsey each time we were there, saying a prayer for our daughter together. I will have that memory forever. St. Louis Cathedral is the oldest cathedral in North America, beautiful isn't it. A perfect place to light a candle for our daughter.

We stayed two nights in N.O. and then headed back to Brookhaven that morning. It was starting to get pretty hot down there... so after a breakfast of Cafe du Monde beignets and coffee we went home.

This was in no way a vacation...but a time to get away and be with each other and our thoughts and memories of our daughter, and it was a good decision to just get away.

When we got back to Brookhaven, of course the main place we wanted to go...was to the cemetary to be with Kinsey. We know that she is not really there, she is in Heaven above...but its the place now where we can go to be close to her.
Taylor had one more suprise for me when we got home. He had bought 1500 Ladybugs! You keep them in the refrigerator of all places until you wake them up to set them free. So my parents had ladybugs in the crisper for 2 days until we got home!
We went to the cemetary that evening as the sun was about to set. There were still so many flowers there..and of course Hobo.

We placed Ladybugs there with Kinsey...they were so pretty, they were crawling around the flowers and flying around. It was so amazing to do that for Kinsey, and for Taylor to get them for us. We also left a few Ladybugs at my parent's house in the garden...and then brought the rest to our garden in Arkansas. That way, we all have Ladybugs with us.

I will never look at a Ladybug or a Butterfly the same way again. I know that everytime I see one, its Kinsey telling me that she is okay...that she is watching over us and she always will be, until we can be with her again.

Anonymous

I just wanted to say to please remember to sign your comments to us if you post it as anonymous...(especially if we know you personally)...so that we know who to thank or who to get back to. There was a great comment today from someone who just found out about Kinsey...but I don't know who it was because they forgot to sign. If you read this, please let me know who you are.
We have really loved all the comments...and they continue to lift me up.
God bless all of you.

The way to treat a Mother who is grieving

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

"Lord, make something beautiful out of all this suffering...."




The lady singing in this video actually lost her infant son. They lost him to SIDS. The words in this song are amazing, and are an inspiration to me... Remember to stop the music in the playlist before watching.

Just Breathe....

Its been awhile since I last posted anything here. I know that some friends have asked about me since there have been no updates lately....I'm surviving, I'm here..
Thats something I have thought about lately. What do I say when someone asks how I am? I'm not what I would call "okay"..... So, I decided to say that I'm surviving, I'm here. I'm getting up in the morning, getting dressed, putting on makeup and breathing.

I have two very good friends in Clinton, Mississippi that I used to work with at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. Their names are Russ and Julie. They have been married for some time now, and they are the couple that I took my first travel assignment with in St. Paul, Minnesota. Russ and Julie had a little girl named Sarah who was stillborn. It was a total shock to them...(sound familiar?)
They went to see their OB and had their bags packed for the hospital just in case. If she had been dilated any at all, her OB was going to induce. Julie's pregnancy had been fine without complications up to this point. When they got in the office they did an ultrasound...and could not find a heartbeat. They did induce Julie, but she and Russ didn't get to take their daughter home either.

When we were at home in Brookhaven at Kinsey's visitation Friday night, I looked up from the couch where I was sitting (right next to Kinsey)...and I saw Julie and Russ standing there. I had been thinking about them, and wanting to talk to them...but just figured that I would get to that much later down the road. I can't tell you how great it was to see them.

God works in ways we can never fathom. They didn't plan on being at Kinsey's visitation, they in fact had just heard about us. Julie's Mom lives in Brookhaven...and they just happened to be coming through town dropping off their dog at her Mom's house, while they went out of town. Mrs. Dolly (Julie's Mom) had read about Kinsey in the newspaper and told them about what had happened.
I don't think that they were just there by luck....I believe that God sent them there, it was just too coincidental. They have been a source of strength for me...and will continue to be I'm sure.

Russ said something to me that I will never forget. They knew how in pain I was, and how in shock I was...they had been there. He said, "Just Breathe...thats all you have to do, Just Breathe. " And he was right. Thats what I did. Thats what Taylor did. Thats what my family did. Thats all we had the strength to do.

I still don't really know how I have made it through these 7 1/2 weeks. It dosen't seem real sometimes. I can't say that I have made it through a day yet without crying...and thats okay with me. I'm just suprised that I have made it this far without totally going insane. Taylor and I have been able to have some time together, and I have also been able to have some time to myself. I needed the time alone and with Taylor...I didn't have the energy to do anything else.
It really has been a challenge to just do everyday things. For awhile I just didn't want to get up, or to talk. I had no interest in doing anything I usually enjoyed doing. All I wanted to do was sit there. I just wanted to be alone, or with Taylor...everything else just required to much effort.

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am right now. By God's Grace I am here and surviving. Taylor went back to work 2 weeks ago, it was hard for him but he has done okay. He tends to always be doing something when he is off work too, it keeps your mind busy.

This week I started doing things around the house. I'm feeling a little better physically and able to be more active...so it has been nice to just do things. We cleaned out our garage on Tuesday and spent the entire day outside with the dogs. The weather was great, and it just felt good to be outside. The rest of the week I found things to do. I even cleaned out closets... I took 3 bags of clothes to Goodwill yesterday.

I have this feeling that I need to be doing something, so I have kept myself busy with work around the house. But I know what the feeling is.... Its the feeling that I'm not doing something, that I'm missing something. I'm physically and emotionally feeling that I should be taking care of Kinsey right now. I should be taking care of our baby. Changing diapers, making bottles, washing onsies, watching Taylor play with his daughter...and learning to be a Mama. Thats what I'm missing. So I will keep trying to keep myself busy, we will keep ourselves going. We don't really know what else to do. I miss her just as much right now as the day I gave birth to her...if not more.

Everything we have done and planned for the last year was to get ready for her. She was our reason for planning and painting, and decorating, and shopping. We have a nursery in the house that is empty, it's just not right. Kinsey is always on my mind, every minute.

We have to continue to trust God and hold onto our faith and each other. Thats all I know to do. Thats what has gotten me this far. So I'm surviving...we both are. Are we "okay?"... I don't know. I know things will never be the same here, and I've come to realize that thats okay. I have a totally different perspective on grief than I used to have. Its not something that will ever go away, its something that actually becomes a part of you.

I've said before that Kinsey's death is not something that I will ever "get over"...I don't want to, but I do pray that I can become stronger. Stronger emotionally, and stonger in my Faith. I have always had the desire to be a better Christian...to have a home in Heaven one day with Jesus. I now have another reason to live life in the way that He would have me live it....to be with our daughter again.

Russ and Julie survived...and are a source of hope and strength to me...as are others who have survived losing a baby. They still love and miss Sarah everyday....they were blessed 7 months ago with another baby girl, and this time they got to take her home.

It will be 8 weeks to the day this Monday, and it still seems like yesterday. Kinsey...Mama and Daddy miss you and love you so much. Watch over us until we can be with you again.
Goodnight.

This song was written by Angie Smith, and the only way to hear it is by watching the video on YouTube. It is a song that has really helped me. I do believe that I was blessed by carrying Kinsey while she was here in this world...and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o&feature=related

I Will Carry You



There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness But I know

That the silence Has brought me to His voice

And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you



by...Angie Smith

What makes a Mother

I read this poem last night and it provided a little comfort, the thought of her visiting me here on earth...while it might sound weird to some...it actually makes me feel better. Yesterday was 6 weeks to the day since Kinsey was here with us, I miss her every second of every day.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik

We said Hello at the same time that we said Goodbye

It was around 5pm, and they had just told me that I was at 10 cm....I knew what that meant. Taylor and I had my Mom, Dad and my cousin Peyton there with us. I asked everyone to leave at that time, because I just wanted it to be me and Taylor there at delivery. I didn't want a room full of people there watching me push....and I didn't want anyone else there in case something went wrong. I don't know if that was my subconscious mind knowing that something was not right....
I know that it wasn't exactly a normal delivery, but it wasn't anything that they had not seen and dealt with in the past. Kinsey was a "brow presentation" as they call it. They did say that it would be harder to deliver her, but that it was something that should not cause any problems. Everything had been fine up until the last 30 minutes of labor.
I got nervous when the oxygen mask was placed on me..., but they wanted more oxygen to get to her. Kinsey starting having decels (heartrate drops) but she always recovered....its not that uncommon for a baby to have decels during this part of delivery, as long as they could recover. Everyone that needed to be there for delivery was there in the room with us. It did cross my mind why they didn't just take me to the OR for a C-section....but she was so close to coming out. I knew that I just needed a few more good pushes to get her here and then it would all be ok.
I pushed back to back, hardly resting at all in between...because I knew it was so close. At 6:30pm she finally arrived...I could see her. They cut the cord and passed her to the Pediatrician. I knew the second I saw her that something wasn't right. I'm sure that Taylor did too. He looked at me and I asked him to go with her. She was just behind the curtain, but I knew what was happening. I know too much about the medical world...and so does Taylor. We knew she wasn't breathing and that they were trying to bag air into her lungs. He walked back over to me with tears in his eyes and said that she didn't have a heartrate. I will never forget the look on his face...and I don't ever want to see that look again.
We both know that they did all they knew to do...but our daughter did not make it. Looking back now, I know that I was in some sort of state of shock. I couldn't believe it. The happiest time and the happiest day of our lives turned to the worst day of our lives in a few short minutes.
I don't know how long it was before they told my family in the waiting room, but it seemed like forever. They all came in, and I can't remember if I was holding Kinsey at that time or not. I can't explain how grateful I was; that we were....that they were there. My parents were strong, but I know how hard it was for them. I'm so grateful for Peyton for being there. She took the pictures that I have come to treasure more than my life. I have no words to explain how thankful I am that they were there for us. Taylor and I couldn't do anything at that time. We couldn't even talk.
They of course brought Kinsey into the room with us and she stayed there with us for as long as we wanted. We held her constantly. She was so perfect, all that I could see of her was perfect. It was what I couldn't see that wasn't. Everyone stayed with us for awhile...we had some friends come to be with us as well. Thank you to Ryan, Jennifer and Ashley. You all helped so much that day, and still do.
We had Kinsey baptised, she was so pretty in her little white dress with the little ducks and birds on it. Everyone left at some point in the night...and it was just Taylor and I there with our little girl. It wasn't long enough. We both held her and kissed her and told her we loved her, and how we had been waiting on her all this time.
I know that she knows all of this, I know that she knows we love her and miss her and want her back here with us. And I know that where she is right now...she dosen't want be here. She will never know anything bad. I know that she is waiting on us, and will be watching over us until we can get there to be with her again.
We still don't know what happened, and we may never know. I pray that someday we will. We had a meeting with our Doctor this week and talked about things that happened in delivery. He went through everything with us step by step, and he has no answers. She should have been okay. We will hear the final results from all of the tests in the next few weeks we hope. The only thing that we know for sure is that her lungs were not normal...they were not able to take in any air. Even though they bagged air into her lungs, they did not work. The histology however was normal, which makes it even more confusing to everyone.
This has been a very emotional post for me, and I'm going to end it now because its just too much at one time. I need some time to remember and to pray....
I miss you Kinsey Grace, me and your Daddy miss you and love you very much.

The last thing I want to post is the lyrics to a song that has really touched Taylor and I. I came across it on a site, and when I heard the words...it sounded like it was written just for us. The name of the song is Smallest Wingless, and its by Craig Cardiff. I have a version of the song here on the blog. Its actually the second song on the music list...........however the version is not my favorite. To hear the version that Taylor and I prefer go to the myspace page of Craig Cardiff. It is:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26500824
The song is in his list of songs on the top right side of the page, you may have to click on the song name to hear it.
This song is just unreal to me....please take the time to listen to it if you can. Please say a prayer for us when you hear it.
Thank you all, and God Bless.
Goodnight.

Smallest Wingless.....
Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no little heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
And held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.
We said hello at the same time, that we said goodbye.

Responses to all of you....

I just wanted to say to you all that I want to, and will respond to everyone of you in time...
Either by email, or phone calls. I have so many people to thank and so many of you that I want to talk to, I will eventually get there.
I just don't want anyone to think that I'm not getting your emails or comments. As I said before, they all mean so much to me...it will just take me time to get to all of you.
We (My family and friends in Mississippi and Louisiana) have been lucky (God blessed) from the Hurricane so far. I pray that is stays that way with the tornados and flooding.
By the way...if you click on the pictures of the slideshow, you can enlarge them.
Love to you all..........and to Kinsey.

The scar will always be there, but just let yourself feel it.

I have had so many things going on the last few days, that I haven't had the time I wanted to update the blog. Between the Memorial service in Shreveport (Thank God we all made it home safely)...and all the chaos with Hurricane Gustav, well lets just say we have been busy. Mrs. Mona's service was beautiful, and she had so many family and friends there. It was hard on everyone, but we made it through. It of course brought back many painful memories, and was just tough. I had many thoughts of Kinsey that day, and I'm sure Taylor, my parents and others did as well. Two funerals way too close together. Two funerals that should have never had to be. Mrs. Mona is in Heaven with Kinsey at this very moment, looking over us all.
My parents left early Sunday morning instead of Monday due to Hurricane Gustav making landfall earlier than expected. Brookhaven, my hometown is just 120 miles north of New Orleans on I-55 South...so we always get massive winds, rain and tornados during hurricanes. Prayers are needed with this hurricane hitting, and God willing all will not be as bad as expected.
I have realized lately that I still am in need of time to myself...or time with just Taylor. I am not to the point where I can be around large groups of people for long periods of time. Its not that I don't want to, or that I don't appreciate everyone...my body and emotional state just hasn't been able to handle it. I find myself getting nervous (which is very unlike me) and finding my way to somewhere where I can be alone. To just be still. I know this will in time change.
Its just that I can't seem to take my mind off of Kinsey and all that has happened. I can do some things that I normally do...I did my Fantasy Football team. (For those of you who know me well, you understand that its a big deal for me) Its just that everything that I do or see reminds me of Kinsey. I want to be reminded...I don't ever not want to think of her, its just that right now it hurts...the pain of the bad memories still stings bitterly. Its the things that I will never get to do with her that are constantly in my head.
For instance something as simple as Fantasy Football. I had been looking forward to holding Kinsey while I did my football draft....I wanted to introduce her to football. I know she would have loved it as much as I do. The reminders are everywhere right now....and thats ok, they just hurt.
I don't ever want to not think or talk about her. She will always be a part of me and Taylor...our firstborn. I know also that it has to be hard for friends and family of ours to know what to say...and I don't expect anything. I just want to be able to talk about her, and it not be a subject that people avoid.
Not talking about her, or avoiding the issue is not a good thing for me. I can't get her out of my mind....so with everything I do, I have her in my head and heart. So a problem I have run into is when we just go on with life as usual. (and at the same time I know that one day, to a certain degree...I will be able to go back to that.) Life is NOT usual for me right now (and it will always be different...things will never be as they once were), so I think that people will just have to bear with me for awhile. I will always be Kinsey's Mama, and Taylor will always be Kinsey's Daddy...so in that respect our lives have changed forever....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I need people to just be there...even if I need to be alone....thats the best thing I could ask for.
A very good friend of mine in Mississippi (a true New Orleans Lady by birth) sent me an email that I have looked at many times and it has given me a lot of perspective on memories.
She said that a special Aunt of hers told her one time that:
"the pain will get better, but the scar will always be there. Give yourself the time, and years from now... when you feel the scar, it will be okay. But just let yourself feel it. Ours is not to question why, but try to continue to have faith."
Thank you Lisa Manuel.
That pretty much is how I feel right now, and its a point I know I have to get to. I just don't know how long it will take. With the help of God, our family and friends...we will get there one day.
I can't tell you how much all the comments, prayers and emails have meant to me. They have really been keeping me going, I love reading each one of them. I must have read them all over and over...and I am always thankful each time.
I will post more later......God bless you all and thank you again.

Shreveport

My plan was to start telling you more about Taylor, Kinsey and myself...but that just didn't happen today. For one thing my computer was SO SLOW all day (Don't EVER get satellite internet, it costs too much and its basically just TERRIBLE)..so I just never really got a chance to get on the computer. But also I never got started because today I just basically didn't feel like it. Some days are better than others, and I guess thats normal in this situation....but nothing feels normal. Today was just a bad day for emotions. One of the days where I just wanted to scream and cry all day...but I made it through the day without losing it. I can't say that I didn't cry ( there hasn't been a day yet that I haven't cried), but I managed to make it through the day without just holeing up in my bedroom and crying myself senseless.
Im sure my parents being here helped, because Taylor and I are apart right now...so they have been a big help to me, just being here.
Im lying in bed right now because I can't sleep, so I figured I would tell about the next two days. Taylor is in Shreveport and has been since Sunday night. The lady that he calls his "Mom" passed away on Monday the 25th. and as I sit here and type this I just realized that Mrs. Mona passed away exactly 4 weeks after Kinsey...also on a Monday, and at almost the same time of day....6:30ish. How strange is that. Everyone in her family, and also Taylor said that she is up there in Heaven right now holding Kinsey and looking after her. I'm jealous of that.
She was in a bad car accident about a week after Kinsey's left us, and was critically injured. Taylor wanted and needed to be there for her and for her family...and to help them with medical questions as well.
One of Taylor's oldest and best friends is Kim, Mrs. Mona is Kim's mother... and I credit Mrs. Mona with helping to keep Taylor sane and on the right path in his teenage years. She took him in and became a mother to him when he needed her. It takes a special woman to take in a teenage boy! but she did, and he (and I) will always be grateful to her and her family.
My parents and I are leaving tomorrow for Shreveport to be there for Mrs. Mona's Memorial service on Friday...and to be there with Taylor.
After the services we will be headed back to Little Rock...so I ask you for prayers for a safe trip for us to and from Shreveport, and also for prayer for Mrs. Mona's family and friends. Please also continue to keep us in your prayers as well. We have lost a daughter, and now my husband has lost his "Mom".....
I know God dosen't give us a cross that we can't bear....but it sure feels like it sometimes.
Thank you all for your comments and emails today....they mean more that you know right now, and help to keep me going.
I'm going to try to get some sleep now, goodnight to you all...and goodnight Kinsey and Mrs. Mona. Hug and squeeze her tight for me.
Love,
Kristi

Kinsey Grace Thompson July 28th, 2008

Two different friends sent me a link to a blog about a Mother who lost her daughter. that is how I got the idea to start my own blog about my daughter....never would I have imagined that I would be in this position. I wanted to write this blog to talk to family and friends, to let them know what has happened with Taylor, Kinsey and myself. Its easier to type the words than to speak them....this is the time in life when you can't seem to talk without crying. So I will type, and let those that don't know what has happened recently to our family know the details.....and this way I only have to type it once. Taylor and I, as most of you know....were expecting a baby girl. On July 28th, 2008 at 7:15 in the morning my water broke....and then at 6:35 PM, our hearts broke. The beautiful red headed baby girl that was exactly what we had wished for, did not survive. Our daughter, Kinsey Grace was born at 6:30 PM. Even though we wanted and loved her so much, she was not able to be with us the way we had planned. Kinsey was born, but never was able to take a breath. She never had a heartrate after they cut the cord. There are no words to explain how we felt and still feel. I had a normal, basically uneventful pregnancy. Nothing that could have hinted that this would happen. Kinsey's death was a complete and utter shock to Taylor and I, and still at times it dosen't seem real. In this blog I would like to tell you our story, although tonight I am tired and just doing good to start everything. There is so much to tell, and to share.... and I would like to also have this place to ask for help from all of you for our future. Maybe one day we will try to have another baby- right now we just need your prayers and support with us. Kinsey is in the best place that there is....with Our Father in Heaven, I have to take comfort in that because that is the only way I have been able to survive this past 4 weeks. I know without a doubt that the daughter Taylor and I created is now our Guardian Angel in Heaven, and looking over me even as I type. She would want a sister or brother, and God willing with the help a great Doctor and Nurse Practioner maybe she will.  I will start back as soon as I am able, we have so much going on in our lives right now.....I will tell you about it all in time. For now, your prayers are needed and appreciated. I want to leave this post by posting the lyrics to a song that has meant so much to me the last few weeks, its also in the playlist here on the blog. This song was introduced to me by a friend at work that has had to deal with a similar situation. I thank her for that, and for her friendship when I need it most. Thanks Julie. Its Glory Baby by Watermark, we actually played it at Kinsey's services and I wanted to share it with you. Glory Baby....by Watermark Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you… Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would… BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabiesand what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home And it’s all you’ll ever know… all you’ll ever know… Goodnight to you all, and Goodnight Kinsey. Love, Kristi P.S. There is a comment section here on the blog...I invite you all to leave a comment. The first comment left here is from Taylor, I think its fitting that Kinsey's Daddy was the first to leave a message. Just click on the word "comments" at the bottom of the post. Its small and you really don't notice it, but I would love any comments you may have. You can also read any comments that have been left by other people.