Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Back at Home... without our Little Man (July 20th, 2009)


Taylor and I made it back to Arkansas yesterday. It wasn't a bad drive, but it does get long. Our Jack Russell Macey made the trip with us. We stopped a few times to walk around and got home around 3pm.


Walking in the house was pretty emotional for me. Lots of Gray Man memories. I love the memories though... I am so thankful that I have them. But it does not take away the hurt. I miss him so much... his smell, his sounds, the feel of him laying on my chest....and of course I miss kissing him on top of the head. That was one of my favorite things to do.


It all hits you in the face when you come in the house and see his things. I didn't want anything put up before we left here though. I wanted all of his things exactly where I left them. I wanted to be the one to pick up after him, his Mom. I think the thing that affected me the most was seeing his bed, his little Snuggle Nest. Gray slept between Taylor and I, in our bed. It was a special little bed made so that we could do that. He loved it.. it had a heartbeat sound, and music..as well as a little nightlight. Seeing that still in the middle of the bed was very emotional for me. Honestly, I wanted to just leave it there. However, I knew that I couldn't leave it there forever. No matter how much I wanted to do that.


Of course when Grayson was here, I really never slept. The only time I slept was when I accidentally dozed off for a few minutes at a time. I think it was just a Higher Power helping me to stay awake...because Gray needed me there. I just wanted to do everything I could for him while he was here. I wanted to know that I didn't miss any time with him.

I just want him back so badly. I got the chance to do with him what I missed with Kinsey. In a way, it brought back all the hurt from losing her...I really got to experience what I missed with her. I got to know Grayson, to see his little personality. I remember his smell, his sounds....all things that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.


Taylor and I both got to know our Little GrayMan... and it was such a blessing to us.


Taylor did such a great job here on the blog while I was not able to post. I spent every second with Gray, so he took over things. It helped him more than I think he ever thought it would. He really was touched by every one's expressions of support for us.

I saw so many compliments for him in his posts... I don't know if I can be as good as he was! He did a great job keeping everyone updated, and touched so many people by his post for Gray.

We are both still overwhelmed by all of the support and love and prayers we have received from all over the world.

When I started this blog, it was basically to keep family and friends updated. We never could have dreamed how many people and lives our children have touched. They have done more in their short lives than Taylor and I have been able to do our whole time here on this earth. It gives me some sense of comfort...knowing that they have touched so many.


I can't thank you all enough...from the bottom of my heart. All of the comments we have received have helped to keep us going. They have helped our hearts. We have such a long journey to take, such a long time to start healing. We will NEVER get over this...its not something you ever "get over", and we don't want to. We just have to learn how to keep living.

I'm not sure I know how to do that yet, but I pray that God will show me the way.

All I know to do right now is take things an hour, a day at a time. I just want them both back so badly... it physically hurts.

I know that they don't want to come back...even though we want them to be here with us. I can only pray that God's Grace will help us to be with them again one day. It is the main thing I strive for...to someday after this life, be reunited with our children.


In the words of "Mercy Me"...I've never been more Homesick, than now.


Godspeed.






32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you both!

Lisa in NC

dg darling said...

Honestly I don't know how you do it. They're not my children and still my immediate thought is, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" I don't even know you and I want so badly for you to be given a child who is healthy and able to stay with you for years. Thank you for being an example of faith to me. I pray for you daily and I pray that someday I might have the faith that you have.

Mrs. Mother said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through now. We lost our little one last August at almost 21 weeks to Trisomy 18, but I can't imagine losing two children. Big hugs to you. I don't really have any words but I am thinking of you.

Cheryl said...

Kristi,

I am so sorry for your loss, and pray for your family. Taylor did an awesome job for you. His love for you and his children showed through in every word that he wrote. I heard it said that grief is like breaking a leg. You never forget what it was like before, during, and after. You may not be able to walk in the beginning. You eventually relearn to walk, and eventually run. You will always do these things with a limp. But through God's grace, you survive.

Still praying for you in IL,
Cheryl

christen farmer said...

Glad u made it home safe. Yes taylor did an awesome job on the blog. The pics and video were wonderful to see. I pray for u guys every day that he give u the strength to get through this and be able to cope. I know u will never heal and I know u don't really want to but in time God will help the pain ease. God bless you both and ur little angels.

sagreen125 said...

I continue to pray for you both.

mrosev14 said...

I am happy to hear you are home safe and sound!

You guys are in my prayers and I hope you enjoy the memories that you have of your little man!

Cindy said...

Welcome Home! We're still praying for you and your family! I lost my daughter, Jordan, to trisomy 18 June 7th. Thank you for sharing your journey with Grayson as we watched the joy of bringing him home and sharing in your grief when he went home to the Lord! I can't even begin to feel your pain; you and your family have so touched my life. You are amazing people and I know your children are shining down on you proud to have such incrdible parents!!! May God continue to wrap in his arms and bring you peace! Continue to take time for each other and yourselves!
Cindy

Angela said...

Hi Kristi,
Just wanted to let you that know I am still praying for your sweet family.
Prayers, love and hugs from Apollo Beach, Fl,
Angela

Heather said...

I continue to keep you both in my prayers.

Mindy said...

You have ALL touched my life. Praying for you...

lizzysue said...

Hi Guys, I felt so blessed being there for Gray Man's Celebration. I wish that I had the words or the touch or something to comfort both of you during this time. I know what you are feeling may never end but I know that I have faith that it will be eased by God and the things he has in store for you. The good stuff is coming, I pray for it for you. I love ya'll so much.

Anonymous said...

Hey Taylor & Kristi!! I am glad that you made it home safely. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers everyday and I will be thinking of you tomorrow especially!! You are truly an amazing couple that have touched so many lives!! Hopefully we will get to see each other again in October. Take care and lots of love!! Shania

Anonymous said...

I have checked your blog daily and am glad to see y'all are home. We have continued to pray for y'all here in Memphis.
Casey and Colton Cockrum (friends of Leigh Ann and Laney)

Kristin (kekis) said...

Coming home must have been not only difficult but bittersweet. No, you will never get over this. You will get through it though. You all are still in our thoughts and prayers.

Jusika said...

I am still praying for God to show you a way :) Thank you for sharing your story.

Carrie Gray said...

Kristi, I thought about you the entire drive home today. I remember it was on this Monday last year that I got a txt that Kinsey was on her way. I was so excited for y'all. I know Kinsey's birthday isn't until tomorrow, but I've sorta relived it all today. There isn't a day go by that I don't think of y'all and say a special prayer.
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to return home, without Grayson. It makes me hurt, like you said physically, to imagine that pain. I'm so sorry you have to go through this....
Thank you for sharing your story with everyone, you'll never know just how lives Grayson & Kinsey have blessed!

Andrea said...

I will continue to pray for you both, that God will give you the strength and the peace that you need. Andrea in NC

Tracy Lucas / Four Square said...

Still thinking of you -- and everytime I've written "you" on these boards, I've meant BOTH of you and the kids... Taylor and you are both heroes, though I'm sure you'd rather not have had to be. Just keep taking a breath in, taking a breath out. You have the world behind you guys, and holding your little babies in the future, when they'll be able to tell you exactly how they knew they were loved the most.

Beans883 said...

I am so convinced that God will reward your faithfulness. You are an inspiration! Sharon in Michigan

Kimberly said...

Praying for you both. I just can't imagine.

Tracie McCoy said...

You and your families are still in my prayers.
Tracie in South Carolina

Colleen said...

As a mother who has also lost a precious baby, I know the pain you are suffering. I am so glad that you had a few days with Grayson but I wish it could have been a lifetime. Just know you are still in my prayers.

M. Congleton said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I think and pray for your family throughout the day.

Stacey said...

I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I've lost 11 children due to miscarriage (4-14 weeks) and they will never be forgotten. Just like you, I will never get over my losses, I will simply take it one day at a time and I know that someday I will see them again with our Heavenly Father. Your blog has deeply impacted me and I'm thankful that you opened your heart and shared your precious children with me.

Stacey from California

CaitlinJ22 said...

My heart and prayers are with you all. I am so glad you got to spend time with Grayson and have all of those memories. I kiss my son more and more each day and think of your little man, and how much he is missed. One day you both will be reunited with your babies, they are your little guardian angels.
Caitlin in SC

Anonymous said...

It has been 23 years since our precious twin daughters went to heaven. I still think of them often, but the memories become sweeter and less painful with the passage of time. You are very special parents and your story has touched my heart greatly. I will continue to pray for the Lord to use this sorrowful time in your lives to draw you closer to Him.
Jan in SC

Anonymous said...

hi Kristi and Taylor. I'm glad you're back home safely. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling being back home without him there. Please take comfort in knowing you made a difference in his life and in so many other's. My father passed away the morning after Grayson. This may sound funny, but one thing that comforts me in his passing is knowing there are babies and children in Heaven with him. My father was such a good man and such a family man, I know he is happy in a place where there are children. He loved to tell my children his stories of his years in the Marines. Who knows, maybe one day he'll be telling these stories to your children as well. God bless you. Love you both, Debbie Teague

Melissa S said...

Your Grayson brought me a smile and comfort last week. I had a meeting that I was SO nervous about and had lost sleep over. I sat down (after dropping my water bottle and dowsing myself & the table) and was handed a coaster. A monkey coaster! I smiled and thought how your sweet angel is in heaven with my own and his sister too and how they look down on us and still want us to smile. Hope you'll get lots of reminders too of how he & Kinsey watch over you & love you still.

So much in your post reminds me of my own feelings. Sending prayers and remembering with you...
Melissa
(Noah's mommy)
t18 & spina bifida
9/20/07-6/14/08

NDBurke said...

So glad you are home safe. You continue to be on my mind and in my prayers. I am currently reading Nancy Guthrie's book, "Holding on to Hope", and I believe I got her name from your blog... thank you.

Emily said...

Praying you through the night... and knowing my own baby girl, Miller Grace, must love your precious children. One fine day, we'll all be home. Until then, we'll keep honoring our little ones and making much of their Maker. You are an inspiration.

Sara said...

Sitting in ChicFila watching my kids play and Mercy Me's song Homesick came on and I thought of you guys.

I'm praying.